Horrible situation that has devastated me

[PetraStorm]

N/C for this. Apologies, it's long. A few months ago, I received a message from a man that I used to have a casual relationship with years ago. We went our separate ways as friends, with no issues, sent Happy Birthday/Christmas texts etc. He asked how I was doing after my illness? I have breast cancer (3 years post op) and have undergone surgery and reconstruction, radiotherapy etc and I'm still receiving adjuvant therapy. We went for a drink and had a brilliant time. I asked if he was seeing anyone, he said no, he'd been single for years and lived alone. Didn't meet again for a while as I was ill. Texted frequently. We talked about everything including sex, we always had amazing sex; we were both majorly into kink and were very compatible. I told him I had been celibate since my surgery, and I was feeling vulnerable about my scars. We talked about it and he was understanding, kind and reassuring. He said all the right things. We had sex numerous times, and it was amazing.

Now, to last Saturday. He said he was going to a gig with his daughter and her girlfriend. He said the small venue was unusual, a tattoo/barbers' and bar combined. It sounded interesting, so I looked it up. There was a video of Saturday's gig, and you guessed it; there he was with his girlfriend/fiancée/wife. I felt physically sick. I would never have had any contact with him if I had known he was in a relationship. I feel incredibly sorry for his partner. She thinks she is in a happy, monogamous relationship with a man who loves her. Instead, he's sexting, sending explicit photos, and having kinky sex with another woman. Everything he told me was a lie. I have known this man for decades and considered him a friend. He knows what cancer has done to me, physically and emotionally yet lied to me so he could have the type of sex he really enjoys. I have thought about telling his partner but don't know if it's the right thing to do. The stress is awful and I feel guilty because I believed everything he told me. In addition, I found out today my last mammogram showed abnormalities and now I need a biopsy to find out if my cancer has returned. I feel defeated by life and used by a man I trusted.

She could be a casual hook up from that video and she could be a relationship but given how unwell you are you absolutely don’t need that uncertainty right now. You need your peace.

I would not be getting yourself into anything that could compromise your recovery and any drama from him could cause you emotional harm and do just that.

Just let him go.

I know his daughter, it's not her. Yes, they were kissing. We worked together years ago and that's how we met. She's wearing an engagement ring, so I suppose it's feasible that she's engaged but not to him. If I got it wrong he could have told me but I think he's realised what a mistake he made.

In a normal situation, I'd say tell her but in this one, don't waste your energy or open yourself up to any drama being brought in your life by this. I'm sorry about your mammogram results and the hurt he's caused you. For now, the most important thing is you and using your energy for whatever lies ahead of you. He isn't worth anymore of your time. I hope everything goes well.

I know that venue. [redacted by MNHQ for privacy reasons]. He sounds like he has tried to use you. That’s why extremely unfair. It’s actually good that you found out now before this got any further.
You should tell her. But don’t let him know you’re going to. Then block him.
Right now you heed your focus on your healing however. So maybe the timing isn’t right.
I hope you recover.

How could you see she was wearing an engagement ring from a venue video? I am not disbelieving anything you say OP but could you be building this up into something even worse than it is? Yes he sounds deeply horrible and you should dump him. But did you really see enough to tell you all you seem to have read into it - it’s seems crazy that in a short venue video she would flash an engagement ring and they would have a committed kiss.

I am not meaning to downplay anything this horrible man has done to you and you should 100% bin him and I’m so sorry for the hurt, but could you be reading too much into the other woman’s position - she may be casual which is still horrible for you but not the same as a wife/fiancee.

I agree with this over my own statement.

But were you exclusive? It sounded like your relationship was built on sex...nothing wrong with that.
Nothing you have said screams wife. Romantic kisses can be just that.

Normally I am in camp "block, delete, move on" but this feels like an emotional betrayal and something quite sinister.
I would reach out to her and explain - that you're not the other woman type and that he actually prayed on your vulnerability and used that.

I don't think he is your simple cheating bastard... this seems more - darker.

This was a totally horrible experiencd for you. However, don't tell his wife/partner. Let her find out for herself. And some folk don't want to know anyway.

I’d be sorely tempted to tell the wife. Whether this is good or bad is a moot point.

He’s an arsehole to lie about this and lead you along though.

No she didn't, OP did nothing wrong here.

Firstly I'm sorry that you've been so ill and still have ongoing concerns about your health.

But I'm not sure I'm following about this bloke. You had a casual sex-based relationship with him that ended "years ago". You stayed in touch but it sounds like you didn't meet up. In the meantime he got a girlfriend and more recently got engaged? What is wrong with that? Why do you think they were together/engaged when your sex thing was going on? Isn't it far more likely that their relationship is recent (the romantic kissing in public would suggest that).

Or are you hurt that he never mentioned the girlfriend during your communications including when you met for a drink a few months ago. Did he expressly say he was still single/celibate? Did he ask or hint for a hook up with you? If so it makes more sense that you are pissed off because he almost certainly was with the GF/fiancé by then.

If you don't know this woman how are you going to tell her?

This is what I'd do
He needs to feel at least some anxiety

Reality is that you don't know exactly what he was there for. So give him space to explain. There may be a reason that is not close to what you assume. People tend to jump to conclusions too much.

I have been there you have blocked him. I would not tell his partner as this will simply be another can or worms best left alone.

Easy to say but I would just move on easier said than done.

Good luck

Read the OP.

"We had sex numerous times, and it was amazing."

So he cheated on whoever the woman in the video is.

I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Treatments nowadays are excellent even when & if the cancer has spread.

I would definitely be inclined to inform this man's partner. There is a possibility they are in an open relationship nevertheless if it helps you to get closure I'd let her know. At least you'd get the satisfaction of letting him know you are aware of his behaviour towards you in the hope he has any form of conscience. I'd block him after letting his partner know but not before I gave him a few home truths about how he's made you feel.

Not to trust what men you are casually dating say about their relationship status. Her mistake was being too trusting, sad but true. What the fuck are you nitpicking with me for?

Ahhhhh, sorry! I did read that but i thought it was referring to their met up drinks conversation where they were discussing their PAST liaisons (sex numerous times) not that they had sex numerous times THAT night.

OK, makes more sense now.

What did he say when you told him what you'd seen? Did you even give him time to respond before you blocked him @PetraStorm ?

You've assumed that 'this woman believes that she's in a monotonous relationship with him' when you seem to have nothing to base that on at all.

Solidarity from another breast cancer patient. Mate, your nervous system deserves your attention right now. You have no need to feel guilty for what he is doing and you don’t have to take any action on that right now, dealing with the biopsy is more important.
it could be scar tissue or any number of other things, so as hard as it is just try to soothe yourself; go for walks, eat nice food, stretch your body and give yourself love.

Sorry I Missed your update about having told him you know.

Yes agree with these posters. It doesn't sound like an exclusive relationship? Did the guy have no socials at all?

Really hard to imagine how you can see an engagement ring in a venue video - and lots of women wear rings on that finger.

I'm sorry if you wanted it to be something more OP, or thought it was.

Regardless of the other woman's relationship status you feel hurt that he's being having sex and bonding with you and then kissing someone else and that's the most understandable thing in the world, particularly when you're at your lowest with illness. You've done the right thing to block him. At best you can take a positive from it that although he's just a disappointing man like most of them, the endorphins from the sex may have been a really good boost to your immune system, see it that you took what you needed from him and then threw him back!