Horrible situation that has devastated me

[PetraStorm]

N/C for this. Apologies, it's long. A few months ago, I received a message from a man that I used to have a casual relationship with years ago. We went our separate ways as friends, with no issues, sent Happy Birthday/Christmas texts etc. He asked how I was doing after my illness? I have breast cancer (3 years post op) and have undergone surgery and reconstruction, radiotherapy etc and I'm still receiving adjuvant therapy. We went for a drink and had a brilliant time. I asked if he was seeing anyone, he said no, he'd been single for years and lived alone. Didn't meet again for a while as I was ill. Texted frequently. We talked about everything including sex, we always had amazing sex; we were both majorly into kink and were very compatible. I told him I had been celibate since my surgery, and I was feeling vulnerable about my scars. We talked about it and he was understanding, kind and reassuring. He said all the right things. We had sex numerous times, and it was amazing.

Now, to last Saturday. He said he was going to a gig with his daughter and her girlfriend. He said the small venue was unusual, a tattoo/barbers' and bar combined. It sounded interesting, so I looked it up. There was a video of Saturday's gig, and you guessed it; there he was with his girlfriend/fiancée/wife. I felt physically sick. I would never have had any contact with him if I had known he was in a relationship. I feel incredibly sorry for his partner. She thinks she is in a happy, monogamous relationship with a man who loves her. Instead, he's sexting, sending explicit photos, and having kinky sex with another woman. Everything he told me was a lie. I have known this man for decades and considered him a friend. He knows what cancer has done to me, physically and emotionally yet lied to me so he could have the type of sex he really enjoys. I have thought about telling his partner but don't know if it's the right thing to do. The stress is awful and I feel guilty because I believed everything he told me. In addition, I found out today my last mammogram showed abnormalities and now I need a biopsy to find out if my cancer has returned. I feel defeated by life and used by a man I trusted.

How did you see all this detail in a video posted by a venue?!

Absolutely vile behaviour. Id think though about the reason you want to tell her. Is it because you feel sorry for her not knowing what an arse he is? Or for revenge? Or even because you hope she'll end it with him so you can have him? You just need to have a clean break and not get embroiled with the drama or fallout from telling his partner. Gather your friends and family around you to get through this difficult stage of your illness. Erase him from your life. Block and move on. He's really not worth another second of your time.

I’d message him and say that you’ve not really been enjoying the sex and at this point in your life faking it isn’t really for you. Purely to be spiteful. I’d then block him.

BDSM is not a proxy for infidelity. That's a red herring here. He's a cheat, who happens to have a kink. The two things are relevant but unrelated.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong, OP. You were badly misled and the fault lies entirely with him. Please be kind to yourself and try to focus your energies on what you need to do for your health and treatment.

Were you having FWB sex in the years before - was there a stipulation then that neither of you could be in another relationship whilst being FWB.

Our "casual" relationship was 15 years ago and it was instigated by me. I was caring for one of my children who was involved in a life changing accident that left her permanently disabled. She was in and out of hospital and undergoing numerous sugeries and I was her sole carer. I didn't have the time or energy for anything else. When we met up again four months ago I told him if he wanted that again, I wasn't interested. It had been nice to see him but after my cancer that wasn't what I was looking for. He said neither was he and that he had never stopped thinking about me. We agreed to try a "proper" relationship. I realise now he was love boming me. He told me has was looking for a holiday for us for later in the year. He sent me dozens of loving texts saying he couldn't wait to see me. Did we have sex? Yes, but I usually have sex in my relationships.

Can I ask again, how he responded to your message? And did you give him time to do so before blocking him?

At the moment it just seems as if you've made a bunch of assumptions.

You have been lied to. You have nothing to feel guilty about at all and i say that as a wife that has been cheated on. If you need to tell his wife, give her a day of your time and no longer. You need to concentrate on you now, just you. Look forward not back x

Utterly dishonest of him. To pursue a relationship with you after you had been clear about what you want now, and emotionally dishonest to pretend to be trustworthy after you had made yourself so vulnerable in the context of your cancer treatment.

He was bizarrely reckless though. If you know his Dd, you could easily have bumped into her and she could have mentioned his relationship in passing.

But, I would walk away now. I don’t even know how you could contact the woman , and IMO it makes you vulnerable all over again, in different ways, to tell her, a stranger, about your sex life and emotional life.

Put energy nowhere but into your own self care and life.

You’re going through a lot, he’s not your problem. I would stay well out - for YOUR sake.

OMG, your update shows his behaviour to be shocking. So 4 months ago you and he agreed that you would have a proper relationship, and that is what you thought the situation was when you saw the video and realised he was actually engaged to someone else and not in a "proper" relationship with you at all. He lied and tricked you basically in order to get kinky casual sex on the side. All the while knowing what a vulnerable situation you were in health wise and knowing that casual sex was definitely what you did not want.

What an absolute self-serving shit.

How do you know the person he was with is his parter/wife?

How do you know they are monogamous?

I would absolutely expose him, his partner/whatever she is needs to know. And I highly doubt you were the first person he’s behaved like this with.

I’m very sorry for everything you’re going through, I hope the biopsy has the best outcome possible.

I’d tell his wife and then tell him I’d told his wife. I’d then block them both!

Put your energy into you and you only. Bin him, tell him if he ever contacts you again you will come clean with his partner.
Wishing you much luck with biopsy results.

She didn't say they agreed they would have a proper relationship.

I'm so sorry, you must be crushed. If you can, tell his partner - she will also be crushed but you will both have the opportunity to move on from such a scumbag. You deserve better.

She said exactly that!

What?

"We agreed to try a "proper" relationship"

That is literally what she has written.

This 100% You have made a lot of assumptions and then said you told him and blocked. What did he say?

I would tell his partner. My best friends long term partner of 10 years was having one night stands in hotels for god knows how long and she didn't have a clue. He was a great guy, we all loved him. One day she got a Facebook message from this woman who had been tricked into sex with him as he claimed he was single. She was suspicious as he took a call and abruptly left the next morning so did some digging. My friend is FOREVER grateful to that woman because if she hadn't of messaged she would have married that disgusting pig

I was looking at her first post

For the people saying tell his partner how is she going to find her?

I read lots of the relationships threads and this is one of the most upsetting. What an utter cunt he is. They’re so believable sometimes aren’t they. He’s worked his way in by telling you lies and pretending his life is quite different to how it actually is. Would I tell the gf? Not sure. Maybe. Why are some people just hellbent on making life a misery for others. Let’s hope he gets his comeuppance xx

@scottishgirl69 it is always a good idea to select 'see all' near the bottom of an OP's post and read the original post and all OP's updates before posting a reply, so you know everything which has been said by an OP?