Horrible situation that has devastated me

[PetraStorm]

N/C for this. Apologies, it's long. A few months ago, I received a message from a man that I used to have a casual relationship with years ago. We went our separate ways as friends, with no issues, sent Happy Birthday/Christmas texts etc. He asked how I was doing after my illness? I have breast cancer (3 years post op) and have undergone surgery and reconstruction, radiotherapy etc and I'm still receiving adjuvant therapy. We went for a drink and had a brilliant time. I asked if he was seeing anyone, he said no, he'd been single for years and lived alone. Didn't meet again for a while as I was ill. Texted frequently. We talked about everything including sex, we always had amazing sex; we were both majorly into kink and were very compatible. I told him I had been celibate since my surgery, and I was feeling vulnerable about my scars. We talked about it and he was understanding, kind and reassuring. He said all the right things. We had sex numerous times, and it was amazing.

Now, to last Saturday. He said he was going to a gig with his daughter and her girlfriend. He said the small venue was unusual, a tattoo/barbers' and bar combined. It sounded interesting, so I looked it up. There was a video of Saturday's gig, and you guessed it; there he was with his girlfriend/fiancée/wife. I felt physically sick. I would never have had any contact with him if I had known he was in a relationship. I feel incredibly sorry for his partner. She thinks she is in a happy, monogamous relationship with a man who loves her. Instead, he's sexting, sending explicit photos, and having kinky sex with another woman. Everything he told me was a lie. I have known this man for decades and considered him a friend. He knows what cancer has done to me, physically and emotionally yet lied to me so he could have the type of sex he really enjoys. I have thought about telling his partner but don't know if it's the right thing to do. The stress is awful and I feel guilty because I believed everything he told me. In addition, I found out today my last mammogram showed abnormalities and now I need a biopsy to find out if my cancer has returned. I feel defeated by life and used by a man I trusted.

This venue is immediately identifiable and can’t see any couple kissing or engagement ring flashing on their socials?

Nothing to do with you. She may even know. I hate women who do this tbh. You don't even know her. The only time I would ever do this is if this was a women I knew (sister, sister in law, best friend). Otherwise, just walk away. Not. Your. Problem.

I think it's quite telling that as soon as you reconnected, you were talking about sex and he's sending explicit photos and you had sex several times - amazing sex can blind you to a lot of other things. You've also jumped to the conclusion that this woman is his wife or fiancée. She might be - she might be someone he met a week ago

It's clear you are vulnerable - but if he has been hiding someone else away - they are only going to need to look at his phone to see what he's been up to with you

How well do you actually know this man given that your relationship was very casual previously

Thought experiment:

• He had a date with someone else without telling you (because he’s single and your relationship has always been casual).
• You jumped to a conclusion and blocked him.
• He had no reason to imagine you wouldn’t have blocked him everywhere else too, or
• He took your block as an indication that you didn’t want him to try to get in touch with you.

Presumably he has social media? If he has social media and it's not locked down you would think that if he were married or engaged that she would be on there. Visible

It sounds from the info that you've given that your relationship is still pretty much based on sex - and him texting you to tell you he cares about you

Why?

I would tell her in a heartbeat. She has the right to make INFORMED decisions about her future, her sexual health and her boundaries. He’s denying her that basic autonomy by lying to her. It’s really not about whether she’ll be grateful or not, she needs to know.

And how does she find this woman to tell her?

I’d tell her in a heartbeat. I was cheated on by my ex, probably for a few years, and I wish someone had told me so I could have made decisions about my life with full knowledge of the facts. I certainly wouldn’t have been buying expensive sofas for our home and exotic holidays for us if I’d known I’d been leaving him in a few months. Liars and cheaters don’t deserve discretion and silence - you’re basically condoning their actions if you don’t call it out. Tell her - and bring the evidence. At least that way, if she chooses to continue the relationship, she does so knowing what this man is really like - at least then it’s an informed decision.

If he's told her he wants a "proper relationship", send her all these messages saying couldn't stop thinking about her (both of which, as the OP has stated in her posts, he did), then he really wasn't making out to her it was to be an FWB relationship, was he? There is no room for confusion here. If you want an FWB relationship you say so. If you've never discussed it perhaps, it might be assumed but if you RTFT you will see that he absolutely had discussed it with OP. There are no excuses for him to make here at all.

And he did not admit to having a long term partner, or even a short term one, as OP has also said. He specifically told her he was single. And was going to the gig with his daughter and HER partner. Which was clearly a lie.

What a scumbucket.

No, I wouldn't tell the woman, OP. If she was a friend or acquaintance I probably would, but you don't know exactly who she is and as others have said, how would you even find her anyway? You have other priorities right now - you.

TBH, I think it's better that he knows you know and want nothing more to do with him. It puts you in the more powerful position; he has nothing 'on' you now, because you know and wouldn't be fooled again. I know it hurts horribly but consider yourself well rid. (And at least the sex was good and it showed you that YOU can enjoy your body again. You are allowed to enjoy sex on its own terms, nothing to be ashamed of, he hasn't actually taken that from you. HE, otoh, can fuck off, absolute cretin of a man.)

Thought experiment:

How does him telling OP he wanted a "proper" relationship with her fit into this scenario exactly?

How does knowing she is likely feeling very vulnerable about her body fit into this scenario?

How does lying about who he was going to the gig with fit into this scenario?

With all respect, it sounds like you're his fuck buddy, and whereas he seems fond of you, he doesn't see you as long term partner material. I've had my share of this, myself, in my 30s. Amazing sex, and somehow that makes the man think that you're no good for anything more. It's so strange.

Regarding your health, I am wishing you all the very best, and hope this situation doesn't make you too miserable.

What an absolute scumbag he is. I personally wouldn’t want to get involved in any drama around him or his relationship, given where you are with your health right now, as tempting as it is.

I wish you everything well with your ongoing health.

You should tell her . But be prepared for her to turn round and say they have an open relationship and she’s into the weird kink too. I’m sorry he’s hurt you

I'd love to know what cameras them venue use. They sound fantastic.

For all the 'suspicious' posters, it's absolutely normal for a small venue to film on a phone and post to social media. I've seen myself very clearly on videos like this. Wind your necks in and report if you don't believe the OP is genuine. I'm sick of people like this disruption threads and making veiled accusations.

Fair enough; I think I misread the original description and thought that the daughter was at the gig as well. Reading it again, it would appear not, so that was an outright lie which is enough in itself to kick him to the kerb.

I was more objecting to this business of blocking him in one place and expecting him to divine that he's supposed to check other places to see if he's also blocked there, failure to do which is taken as guilt. This seems like a test a teenager might pull, not a grown woman.

The OP said the daughter was at the gig

No. The cheating boyfriend said he was at the gig with his daughter, but he was lying and was there with his partner.

He was there with someone... She might not have been his partner

He was kissing her. But I see clearly how you like to stir up dissent on a thread with disinformation.

Interesting…

Have you seen the video. Here's one word for you. Go. The other is away. Ok

I don't give two fucks what you think of my posts. I haven't seen the video - so whatever.

I'm actually very sorry for the situation the OP is in as like a lot of people I have lost people to cancer and my mum is only alive right now because of a friend that spotted something wasn't right

But I'm not going to sit wanging on about a video I haven't seen

My point was it could have been anyone. A date. Like other people said. Hardly spewing out dissent. Didn't realise there's no room for other opinions

That's not the OP. The OP is @PetraStorm and this is what she said

They are stood together, he has his arm around her, they kiss. You know when two people are close by body language.