Horrible situation that has devastated me

[PetraStorm]

N/C for this. Apologies, it's long. A few months ago, I received a message from a man that I used to have a casual relationship with years ago. We went our separate ways as friends, with no issues, sent Happy Birthday/Christmas texts etc. He asked how I was doing after my illness? I have breast cancer (3 years post op) and have undergone surgery and reconstruction, radiotherapy etc and I'm still receiving adjuvant therapy. We went for a drink and had a brilliant time. I asked if he was seeing anyone, he said no, he'd been single for years and lived alone. Didn't meet again for a while as I was ill. Texted frequently. We talked about everything including sex, we always had amazing sex; we were both majorly into kink and were very compatible. I told him I had been celibate since my surgery, and I was feeling vulnerable about my scars. We talked about it and he was understanding, kind and reassuring. He said all the right things. We had sex numerous times, and it was amazing.

Now, to last Saturday. He said he was going to a gig with his daughter and her girlfriend. He said the small venue was unusual, a tattoo/barbers' and bar combined. It sounded interesting, so I looked it up. There was a video of Saturday's gig, and you guessed it; there he was with his girlfriend/fiancée/wife. I felt physically sick. I would never have had any contact with him if I had known he was in a relationship. I feel incredibly sorry for his partner. She thinks she is in a happy, monogamous relationship with a man who loves her. Instead, he's sexting, sending explicit photos, and having kinky sex with another woman. Everything he told me was a lie. I have known this man for decades and considered him a friend. He knows what cancer has done to me, physically and emotionally yet lied to me so he could have the type of sex he really enjoys. I have thought about telling his partner but don't know if it's the right thing to do. The stress is awful and I feel guilty because I believed everything he told me. In addition, I found out today my last mammogram showed abnormalities and now I need a biopsy to find out if my cancer has returned. I feel defeated by life and used by a man I trusted.

When you have casual sex with people you can never assume anything about their lives. There are plenty of attached men and women who will look for casual because its less risk to their relationship. Move on and wise up to such things! Im sorry you are so unwell, I wish you all the best with recovery x

These are two separate things - this deceitful man, and your mammogram abnormalities.

Best thing you can do with this guy is block, delete and forget about the whole thing. Put it down to experience and don't waste another single second on this. While I appreciate your reasoning about wanting to tell his partner, move on, it's just not worth your bandwidth, particularly at present. Concentrate all your energies in keeping yourself in a good frame of mental health while your cancer team investigate your scan/call you in for any anomalies.

FWIW, I to have been through breast cancer, two mastectomies, chemo and so far, so good. But, I understand the fear of the cancer returning and/or being given cause for concern that there's an issue with the scan. This is why I say concentrate on yourself. You are the most important thing, so put yourself first. Also, and perhaps most pertinently, I have an ex similar to yours. The only reason he never made it anywhere near me post-cancer is because I blocked him from my life when I was newly diagnosed and he revealed himself to be utter repugnant and without feeling. The main thing to remember with your ex is he is not the man you thought he was. Full stop. Grieve if you must, you've been connected for a long time and he has helped you emotional after a horrendously difficult time, particularly in terms of coming to terms with your post-cancer post-reconstruction body. But, that man isn't who he actually is. He's scum. Remove all trace of him from your life and thoughts, and this includes thoughts of telling his partner. Just move on.

Sending much love and all positive wishes for the ongoing investigation ✨✨✨💐

How could he have told you? You blocked him.

(Which was probably the best course of action either way nonetheless.)

So sorry you’re having a rough time with your health.

I can’t help but wonder if they type of ‘kink’ that you’re both in to has something to do with his general behaviour? Is it some type of BDSM?

(purely ignorant musings)

If you were my friend I’d say try to forget about him, you enjoyed your time, he was deceptive but that’s not your fault at all, don’t let him hurt you any more than he has by dragging this out.

+1

How bizarre that he would post a clip of him kissing someone. He's a cheat and a stupid one at that, just forget it and move on.

Hope your biopsy goes ok

You aren't friends. You were in a casual sex based relationship and it doesn't sound like he was there for you when you were ill either. As someone else said - when you have casual sex with people it's likely that they'll be having sex with other people too. You also don't know when he got together with this woman

This is true. Some people think if it's just sex/fwb then their relationship status isn't the other person's business. Still sleazy and shit though.

Yes, but if OP doesn't tell his wife/gf then the poor woman will be wasting even more time with that cheating scum bag. Wouldn't you want to spare/help an innocent woman? To save her time? As obviously she wouldn't want to stay with a man like that....

when I found out my (ex) partner, cheated on me. The person they were cheating with also had a partner-they had just bought a house, engaged. I messaged her to say to her, I said you need to ask X where they were on Saturday night because my partner and I have split up after I found out. She told me not to contact her but at least I told her.

they broke up.

Absolutely this,don't tell the wife , everyone shoots the messenger so you'd be putting yourself in the firing line and you have enough going on at the moment.

He is the classic disgusting asshole who does some fishing behind the partner's back. I know it is easier said than done, but the worst you can do is spend more energy and thought on him. I know it hurts, it always hurts to have your trust betrayed. But as much as you can, try to let go of the feelings towards him, the hurt, the disappointment, everything. Stewing in such thoughts is detrimental to your health..

However, I would make sure to tell the partner about him. Not to feel better, not for revenge, but I'd feel bad for the deceived partner. I would want to know if I was her too, rather then living life in the dark, being lied to daily. It's like an act of good..

This really x

I would block and delete him (thus giving him a chance)

In the event he contacted you by other means, then I would write to his partner/wife and tell her everything. Explain that the blocking was his chance to stay the F away from you but being as he has not done so, he has brought this on himself. Give times/dates/places and full detail so she knows you are not lying.

What an absolute bastard to lie to you when you're already vulnerable.

You don't actually know what's going on with him and this other woman though.

I'm sorry about your health issues. Please block this loser and forget about him. Focus on surrounding yourself only with people who lift you up.

Write to the wife? God no.

Your survival instincts kicked in and you have absolutely done the right thing by confronting him and then blocking him everywhere.
Injustice and betrayal bring up the worst emotions to have to deal with so my heart goes out to you, especially as you are so low with your own health worries which he had seemingly supported.

OP, I wouldn’t involve yourself with any more stress than you already have with your current health scare. Concentrate fully on helping yourself and don’t go down the rabbit hole of trying to warn his fiancé off. You know nothing about their private relationship. It will drain your energy (and that strong survival instinct that you need right now) and you owe them nothing at all. You have your own much more pressing concerns.

Im sorry this is happening to you and wish you the very best with your health. Praying you will discover they were being over cautious because of your history.

In that case, best to move on. He hasn’t been honest with you, at a time he knew you were emotionally fragile. Not kind or respectful.

Focus your energy on yourself. Don’t let him derail you 💐

Though, I wear a ring on my ‘wedding finger’ despite not being engaged or married.

What an absolute wanker. I am so sorry OP.

I don't think you can get involved in telling his wife/fiancee - too much drama for you to be dragged into that when you need to focus on your own health. You've blocked him on everything, try and forget about this now. Hope the cancer hasn't returned, fingers crossed for you.

OP how awful. Im so sorry. There are no words for men like that. It's sadly very common for them to do stuff like this.

If you can face it I would tell his partner. However I do think you must put yourself first so if it will cause you even more stress then please don't.

I really hope your results are ok and you have lots of support in real life. Take good care.

He targeted you for sex. He got what he wanted. Block and don't give him another thought

Maybe he just got back together with her that night? Anyhow your relationship is over and I’m sorry you are so hurt, what a loser of a man. At least you found out.

I really hope you will be ok x

The video of the gig included the audience in such detail that you could tell what jewellery she was wearing?

From the information provided, I don’t understand how you can know so much about the status of their relationship. Plenty of single people wear rings on their engagement fingers. As for contacting her, if she’s a complete stranger, how are you planning on getting in touch? Just forget him, he’s not worth the angst, concentrate on taking care of yourself. I hope all goes well with your results.

I'm sorry you've been lied to OP. If he thought it was a casual, no strings, relationship he wouldn't have lied and said he was going with his daughter.

I wouldn't get involved with telling his partner, you've bigger fish to fry at the moment and you don't need the drama that might ensue. Concentrate on yourself and your health.