Horrible situation that has devastated me

[PetraStorm]

N/C for this. Apologies, it's long. A few months ago, I received a message from a man that I used to have a casual relationship with years ago. We went our separate ways as friends, with no issues, sent Happy Birthday/Christmas texts etc. He asked how I was doing after my illness? I have breast cancer (3 years post op) and have undergone surgery and reconstruction, radiotherapy etc and I'm still receiving adjuvant therapy. We went for a drink and had a brilliant time. I asked if he was seeing anyone, he said no, he'd been single for years and lived alone. Didn't meet again for a while as I was ill. Texted frequently. We talked about everything including sex, we always had amazing sex; we were both majorly into kink and were very compatible. I told him I had been celibate since my surgery, and I was feeling vulnerable about my scars. We talked about it and he was understanding, kind and reassuring. He said all the right things. We had sex numerous times, and it was amazing.

Now, to last Saturday. He said he was going to a gig with his daughter and her girlfriend. He said the small venue was unusual, a tattoo/barbers' and bar combined. It sounded interesting, so I looked it up. There was a video of Saturday's gig, and you guessed it; there he was with his girlfriend/fiancée/wife. I felt physically sick. I would never have had any contact with him if I had known he was in a relationship. I feel incredibly sorry for his partner. She thinks she is in a happy, monogamous relationship with a man who loves her. Instead, he's sexting, sending explicit photos, and having kinky sex with another woman. Everything he told me was a lie. I have known this man for decades and considered him a friend. He knows what cancer has done to me, physically and emotionally yet lied to me so he could have the type of sex he really enjoys. I have thought about telling his partner but don't know if it's the right thing to do. The stress is awful and I feel guilty because I believed everything he told me. In addition, I found out today my last mammogram showed abnormalities and now I need a biopsy to find out if my cancer has returned. I feel defeated by life and used by a man I trusted.

I do know what the see all function is and I did read more than one post but I missed that part

@PetraStorm So sorry to read this. I'm glad you've blocked him. You have enough to worry about without giving him any more headspace. I hope your cancer hasn't returned and you get good news on that front, but I wouldn't waste any more thoughts on trying to find the girlfriend/fiancée. Different if you could do so easily, but from what you say, it will involve a lot of work, and you need to just concentrate on you, now.

The majority of men ( not all ) are opportunistic when it comes to sex. They don’t have shame. Self restraint, integrity, self sacrifice are usually reserved for women.

Regardless if this man is in a committed relationship or if it's an 'open' arrangement - it's irrelevant. He lied to the OP. He told her he was single and had been for years. This clearly isn't true. Even if the relationship is 'open', you can't legitimately say you're 'single'. If the woman happened to be a FWB arrangement, then he should have been honest with the OP, that she won't be the only person he's having sex with.

As it happened he agreed to have a 'proper' relationship with the OP. He knew she wasn't looking for a casual relationship. He then told the OP he was attending a gig with his daughter and HER girlfriend. This woman is wearing an engagement ring on her finger, and he's kissing her as you would an intimate partner.

Sadly, this type of behaviour happens. A friend of mine came out of a divorce and an old flame got back in contact with her. He was divorced and living in a shared house. They started dating, but alarm bells started ringing for me because he seemed to want to hide her away and told her she couldn't come back to his as it was a house share. After some digging (it's amazing what you can find online!) I discovered his 'house share' was in fact with his wife and two sons!! He wasn't divorced at all. My friend was devastated but grateful I'd found out the truth. His excuse....he had 'bad mental health'!!!

I'm glad you have blocked OP. Yes, it's hurtful, but at least you have found out now before you got heavily involved. He's been especially cruel, knowing your circumstances.

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You need to focus on your own well-being now and consider him a lucky escape.
I am not normally into revenge but re informing his wife /partner, I would consider telling her. She is living a false life, full of deceit.
As painful as it is, if I was her, I would prefer to know

You do you hun

Why would you write to someone to tell them their husband was having an affair on the strength of one video? When you don't even know the woman in the video is his wife!

I will do me - hun.

So sorry he treated you like this. It must have been even harder because yow knew him so long and you were vulnerable following the surgery (which makes him even worse). Now you know his true colours at least there will be no wondering 'what if' about him. Like others have said I wouldn't tell the partner and would focus on your own healing.

The OP referred to this woman as fiancee/gf/wife in the first post. The point is she doesn't know who this woman is - so how is she going to track said woman down to contact her!

He's the issue here - a conversation needed to be had with him in the first instance

What a horrendous betrayal @PetraStorm . So cynical on his part after everything you've been through. You've definitely done the right thing by blocking him. You can still decide to tell his partner if you want to. I would absolutely want to know, but it's how you feel about this when you've had time to process it. I hope you have good support 💐

I would send him a msg along the with a screenshot of who he was with and say "hope you all had a lovely night xx" watch him make his excuses then tell him she deserves better than a lying scumbag like him and block him. Keep all screenshot and if you feel you can or want to tell his wife / gf you can.
He's prayed on you at your most vulnerable and you didn't deserve that. I's so sorry op what a pig of a man he is xxx

That what I was thinking. In his mind you're FWB, and those relationships are often not seen as exclusive. Would you be OK with him casually seeing others in the way he sees you? It could be that she is this type person. Did he admit to having a long term partner?

Though obviously if not then he's a rotter. Either way he's clearly upset OP so she should avoid him.

I’m normally in camp “block, walk away and don’t give him another thought” but given what an absolute piece of shit he has been and that he knew your circumstance I would 100% be getting in touch with her.

In fact I’d probably rock up at their house.

That's assuming she knows where he/they live

I think if you didn’t have such a full plate already I’d say tell the partner but you have enough going on without this emotional labour. Cut and run, consider him a bullet dodged. Hope all goes well with the rest of your treatment xx

Text him a link to the video you saw. Ask him if his partner has seen the video then block him. Let him fester in his anxiety!

So you've been in a proper relationship with him for four months - any red flags that there was someone else? It's also 15 years since you had that casual relationship. What I'm trying to say that obviously it's possible that he had another relationship on the go if he was at yours all the time and you didn't go to his or if he didn't stay over - but that also doesn't mean he's married

You aren't going to know what's going on unless you unblock him and ask him

Yes, I don’t get how the OP ‘knows’ this person is his girlfriend, wife or fiancée on the basis of a single photo at a gig, far less how that woman could believe she’s in a monogamous relationship. It’s not even clear whether the OP and this man had discussed exclusivity. It all sounds a bit ‘jumping the gun’.

I wouldn't give him or her any more headspace. The most important thing is making sure you are well. Telling her will open up unnecessary stress and drama during a sensitive time for you and quite frankly you do not need this. He would have cheated with someone else if it wasn't you, your health is far more important than concerning yourself with whether a virtual stranger's husband is faithful to her.

But but but. OP has explained this already.

What's "jumping the gun" is to post on a relatively short thread before you've even been polite enough to read just the OP's responses.

This man had red flags oozing from his pores and you are surprised he's not morally upright?

What were the red flags?

I would tell his partner, no hesitation

I'd write it off. He's given you back your sexual mojo. You only wanted casual sex 15 years ago.