Wanting a baby with newish partner at almost 40

[Broodyat40]

Hi,

I have two wonderful kids, aged 10 and 8 with my ex-husband.

We were together for 15 years. He cheated and left me for that woman 2 years ago. He has no involvement with our children.

1 year ago I met a nice man, hes really lovely. Hes 35, I am about to turn 40 in a few months. We are serious about each other and talk about marriage and having a baby together. We don't live together at the moment but have spoken about this happening in the future.

I know a year isn't a huge amount of time to know someone, but at the same time, I was with someone for 15 years and ended up not having any idea who he was, so im not too hung up about the length of time we have been together.

I always wanted another baby, my partner would like to have a baby with me, and I am wondering whether or not to seriously explore this. I realise I dont have a huge amount of time left to make this decision.

I worry about the age gap that would be between my kids.
I worry about him leaving and being a single mum with a very young child to raise alone, since thats what my ex-husband done
I worry about being 50 and having a 10 year old

But...I love him and I would love to expand our family.
He has made it very clear that if it's not something I want, then he is not upset by this, but if he had the choice, he would like to have a baby.

Anyone been in similar circumstances?

I find some of the comments on here very strange and judgmental towards new relationships when children are involved. My father left my mother when I was 6 and we didn’t see him for a few years, totally off grid. He did return eventually and we saw him sporadically after that. My mum met someone less than a year after he left and remarried when I was 8 - we moved in with him prior to this. My siblings who are 3 and 5 years older than me were happy, as was I. There was no major adjustment needed, it was just par of the course.
My stepfather is a lovely man who we adore and they had another child together. Life isn’t always doom and gloom for step children. Our home life was even happier than it was before.

It’d be a no from me. You already have kids, your relationship is young - you never really know someone till you live with them.
At 40, (and 35 is also an older dad, biologically) chances of ND increase - watch the documentary that was on BBc2 last week, could you cope with a child with extreme needs and what would that do to your existing kids quality of life.

I think your kids need to come first. It would be very difficult for them to process all this change and a new half sibling.

Do you have other children though?

You could be the exception, not the rule.

If your partner wants a baby then I suggest he finds someone younger than you and someone without children who will be entering teen ages soon
You may build yourself up to have a baby and with age fertility isn’t the same as when younger

Did you read her post?

Hi,

When I met my second husband I had a 14 year old child. We got engaged and married quite soon, having discussed children very early on. Actually got pregnant on honeymoon, as I wanted to start trying straight away. So my second son was born when I was 41 and my husband was 48. I was worried about being older, and the fact that we had only been together a few months, but it was one of the best things I have ever done.
We have now been happily together over 21 years, and our son is 20 and at university. He and his older brother are extremely close, despite the 15 year age gap.
I used to worry that he would be embarrassed at having older parents, but he never has been.
Nothing is ever guaranteed, but if you want a baby and you love this man, go for it. My only regret is that I didn't have another child.
And ignore all the doubters who say you are too old. I had a few, but it's your life, your body and your choice.

Hi,
When I met my second husband I had a 14 year old child. We got engaged and married quite soon, having discussed children very early on. Actually got pregnant on honeymoon, as I wanted to start trying straight away. So my second son was born when I was 41 and my husband was 48. I was worried about being older, and the fact that we had only been together a few months, but it was one of the best things I have ever done.
We have now been happily together over 21 years, and our son is 20 and at university. He and his older brother are extremely close, despite the 15 year age gap.
I used to worry that he would be embarrassed at having older parents, but he never has been.
Nothing is ever guaranteed, but if you want a baby and you love this man, go for it. My only regret is that I didn't have another child.
And ignore all the doubters who say you are too old. I had a few, but it's your life, your body and your choice.

All this. Your hormonal instincts cannot be trusted at this age. Ignore them. Just enjoy new relationship slowly. There isnt room for a baby in this story.

100% absolutely NOT @Broodyat40 Don't do it. I've had food in my fridge longer than you've been with this man.

Yes I have been in a similar position and I am eternally grateful that I did not have another baby.

Hard to know the order of priority but:

• Your current children are about to go through the most difficult part of life. Dealing with secondary school, school avoidance, self-harm, eating disorders, truancy - with a baby that they would have felt we had 'chosen' over them - would have been utterly awful. It almost broke me as it was. Your children are at a 'nice' age - that won't last.

• Navigating a new relationship AND mothering your existing children is a very difficult tight-rope to follow. In some ways, both have to be your priority but that results in clashes all the time. It is draining and exhausting and you will let everyone down because you are just learning these skills.

• Hitting your 40s in a woman's body is like running into a brick wall every morning. Peri-menopause makes everything hurt, your brain turns to blancmange and you are filled with a rage so deep that in a few short years the way your fabulous, lovely partner chews his food will make you want to stab him. Doing that with no sleep does not bear thinking about.

• You have a new lover and a vagina that has had years to recover from childbirth. You should enjoy that for as long as possible because this fortunate alignments of planets is very, very brief.

So my answer would be no. I would bet my house that you will end up as a single parent if you go down this route, and your current children will get 30% of your attention and love, when they deserve all of it. Don't do it. Get a dog.

"I was with someone for 15 years and ended up not having any idea who he was" so what makes you think you 'know who this lovely man is' after such a short time-you haven't even lived together yet. Are you Katie Price?

I was in a similar situation when I met my second (and current) husband. My son was 6. By the time I was in a place with him where I knew it was serious, my son was 8 and I was 39. We talked about having children. Like yours, my husband placed no pressure on me. He wanted kids but had already accepted he probably wasn't going to have any of his own and was just happy to have the chance to raise my son with me and his Dad.

I ultimately decided that, however much I wanted more than one child (I never imagined having an 'only') that the age gap was too large to be able to meet both children's needs effectively, that I was too damn tired and old to start again, and that however much I loved my then-boyfriend, it was too seismic a decision to risk him not being my Forever One.

10 years later and I have no regrets. I do still sometimes wish I had more children, but I'm glad I didn't go ahead if that makes sense.

Good luck.

this

and a baby with a man you have know for a year?

Your poor dc.

@Broodyat40 I was the teenage child in this situation. I hated having a new man in the house as I was navigating puberty. And when my baby brothers arrived I hated it even more. I felt like the cuckoo in the nest, literally counted the days until I could leave home and never went back. The sad reality was that they were counting the days until they could be a proper family too.

I know you don’t want to hear it. But this is often the reality of second time around families. It’s not just me - I see it with my DD’s friends too. So, please, for the sake of your children, just enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend for what it is, and let your baby dreams go.

I think the decision should be based on whether you genuinely want a third child and would be okay be a single mum again.

Then best not do anything, ever.

Are you married? How do you know that won't end tomorrow? Do you have kids? Shouldn't have had, just in case things go wrong.

Talking about damaging childhoods is very dramatic. Lots of people have all sorts of things happen and they aren't damaged. Some are happy even. We don't know what the children think or will think about the situation. Personally, if my mum had divorced my dad when I was 10 I'd have been over the moon so there's always that aspect to consider.

My experience is a happy one, I know you don't want to believe that. It can, and does happen - it just doesn't fit in with the MN approved timeline of events, nor is it talked about as much as bad experiences. Doesn't mean it's impossible.

Everyone has their own experience, one is not more correct than another.

You have a new lover and a vagina that has had years to recover from childbirth. You should enjoy that for as long as possible because this fortunate alignments of planets is very, very brief.

Love this, @Goldfsh

The teenage years in my experience as a single Mum have been hellish. Do you really want to be dealing with two teens and all the angst high school brings and a small child in your 50's?

💐
completely understandable.Your mother did a selfish thing.

I don't have any personal experience of a blended family. But what I would say is that as your DC's grow they actually need you more as they approach their teenage years and the stresses of secondary school and exams. I would bear that in mind.

I would also say, and this is from personal experience, that you don't really know someone until you live with them.

Had my third DC at 41, all same father. Smaller gap: eldest was 6. Natural conception, pregnancy went smoothly, quick and easy home birth, breastfed first few years. Had plenty of energy for all three DC. However, I’ve always been v fit and healthy, with lots of energy, and have a young outlook. Lots of women peri and post menopause feel quite old and tired, with much less energy.

No experience of blended families. But suggest you think v carefully about impact on your existing kids. They’ve been through a lot v recently. IMHO, moving a new man in and rapidly having a child with him wouldn’t be in their best interests. Too quick and risky. And a lot for you all. Likely to change nature of your family unit. Currently, from kids PoV, the three of you are a unit and your BF is a newcomer. If you have a child, the unit will shift to you, DP and your shared child and your older DC may feel peripheral. Especially if they don’t have a relationship with their dad.

Thinking ahead, teenagers and young adults need you to be available to them. Not necessarily to do stuff together or hover around them (they need space), but to be free when they want to talk and hang out. It’s wonderful to do more adult stuff with them, like weekends away. Having a young primary-age child when they’re taking exams, and moving on from school, could mean you’re preoccupied and have less chance to do things. For example, you’ll be tied to going away in school holidays until your older DC are late 20s. Plus, bedroom space etc if money was short.

Maybe best to feel blessed and content with the kids you have. Put them first.

Im 48 and have a 2 yo and a 5 year old in a new relationship. I have older children from a 17 year marriage that ended 13 years ago .

It has completely wrecked my relationship with my older children to the point where there is no relationship with 2 of them.

I absolutely do NOT believe this decision should be based on whether you want another child.
This decision should be based on whether this is the right man for you. Do you love him? Does he love you? And crucially: Would he/you want to be together if there was no more children? And finally: How do your kids get on with him?
I met my DH at 39. I had no children but he had two, 11 and 13. We were married 14 months after we met. His youngest had a bit of an adjustment but his eldest moved in with us full time after we had our first child (I was 41). There was zero issue about the baby - the youngest was fascinated by him the oldest just kept expecting a nappy explosion! The youngest asked to move in full time and did at 16 after the oldest left. Anyway my point is obviously they were happy with the new set up and having a second home away from their mother (who was fine if perhaps an bit overbearing). Being such a large gap between his kids and our kids meant no competition and jealousy. My DH still took them to footie and rugby matches on his own, even did a couple short breaks away just the three of them. So many PP say this will ‘damage’ your kids. Why? Sure some kids will resent it some would love another sibling.
But foremost is you. Do you want this man in your and your kids’ lives irrespective of a third baby? If the answer is yes, then start thinking about whether you have another child.