Wanting a baby with newish partner at almost 40

[Broodyat40]

Hi,

I have two wonderful kids, aged 10 and 8 with my ex-husband.

We were together for 15 years. He cheated and left me for that woman 2 years ago. He has no involvement with our children.

1 year ago I met a nice man, hes really lovely. Hes 35, I am about to turn 40 in a few months. We are serious about each other and talk about marriage and having a baby together. We don't live together at the moment but have spoken about this happening in the future.

I know a year isn't a huge amount of time to know someone, but at the same time, I was with someone for 15 years and ended up not having any idea who he was, so im not too hung up about the length of time we have been together.

I always wanted another baby, my partner would like to have a baby with me, and I am wondering whether or not to seriously explore this. I realise I dont have a huge amount of time left to make this decision.

I worry about the age gap that would be between my kids.
I worry about him leaving and being a single mum with a very young child to raise alone, since thats what my ex-husband done
I worry about being 50 and having a 10 year old

But...I love him and I would love to expand our family.
He has made it very clear that if it's not something I want, then he is not upset by this, but if he had the choice, he would like to have a baby.

Anyone been in similar circumstances?

Not been in similar circumstances but I did have a baby at 39, almost 40 with a similar age gap with my older 2.
i had the same birth 3 times over - my 3rd birth was as easy as my first but I do look after my health. I would say knowing your body and ensuring your health is good is very important at as an older mum.

love is not enough to have a baby. Unfortunately you also need to consider the practicalities because they baby grows into a child and then an adult who requires your attention .

Could your new partner support financially if you did break up? could you support yourself? Do your current children like him? Any red flags at all (no matter how small right now, but ones that could have a massive impact later on as the pressures of family life take their toll or the honeymoon period wears off), eg bad with money management, sometimes loses his temper, relies on alcohol for the wrong reasons, is very disorganised, doesn’t have a stable job

I know some people get lucky, but the majority of people I know who had children at this age had to deal with taking a long time to conceive, had miscarriages and went on to have IVF. It isn't something that I would want to go through in the early stages of a relationship.

How do your children get along with him?

Will they want to live with him, let alone have a new sibling?

I was tempted to have a baby at around the same age with a new man (now DH). I also had two DCs about the same age.

Thankfully I realised there is no way I could have coped with early teens, a baby and a FT job when I was early 40s. And the FT job was important as my first marriage was a hard lesson in the importance of financial independence. Absolutely no regrets and I now have a gorgeous GC who I can lavish my energy, attention and money on.

That's so sad.

Sadly though, I have to say that I have heard multiple stories like this, when a woman gets with another man in her (almost) middle age when her children are teens, and has a child (or more than one) with him. The older children pretty much always feel left out.

You also have to remember @Broodyat40 as many posters have said, you will be navigating teens/uni age children with a baby/toddler.

And in a few years, you will also have a school age child/children when you areein your late 50s/around 60.

You will also have spent some 40 years raising children. (From early 20s to early 60s.)

Don't do it. Be content with the children you have.

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OP, just because you want another baby, doesn't mean it's a good idea to have one! We can't make decisions entirely based on our emotions and common sense has to come into play at some point.

I haven't dealt with this myself, but a close family member had a baby at 42. She obviously loves her child, but it was hell for everyone involved (the pregnancy wasn't easy on her with preeclampsia & diabetes and she had a long recovery), and her teenager spends half of every week at our house to escape their home now.

I know medical tech is amazing now, but have you looked into the risks for pregnancies over 40? One of the reasons why my relatives older DC escape their home so frequently now is that the "new child" has a serious disability and their lives had to change completely to accommodate that. They resent it. Are you prepared for the possibility that this might not be a "standard" pregnancy?

I think it's not fair on your existing kids. They are at a really vulnerable age for you to start making a new family, especially when theirs is broken.

I also think 40 is too old. I know it's possible and some women do have healthy pregnancies and babies at that age or even older but the risks are much, much higher. You would be taking that risk not only on yourself, but on your existing children. Being permanently disabled or having a disabled child or child with SEN would change everyone's lives forever.

Thirdly, I think your relationship is still too new. You don't know enough about how your partner would balance having his own child with being a stepdad to your two. It's not fair on your kids to move a new partner in when you don't really know him that well yourself.

I'm aware that others will strongly disagree with some or all of these opinions, but that's how I see it. Enjoy your new relationship for what it is, and let it progress naturally. If you'd met ten years ago, it would be different, but sometimes things don't work out how you wish.

I wouldn't do this. I think you just want to be loved again and scared to be left alone. But you need to be honest with your new boyfriend, because he is young and he surely will want children. It wouldn't be fair on him to lead him on.

MN is a wildly old fashion/conservative universe. I’ve never looked it up but I can only assume the overall user age bracket is on the older end.

OP I personally don’t think age is the issue, I know three close friends who have had second or third babies in their forties and all are doing ok.
I think it’s perhaps the newness of the relationship that would be the concern to me and the fact you and your children don’t really know him enough to know what the blended family would look like at this stage. That is what is making this riskier here.

No one is denying that some situations like this turn out fine.

But the reality is that there are often additional tensions and stresses in blended families. Children can put a strain on the best of relationships, of course they’re a wonderful blessing too, but the reality of the physical demands - sleepless nights, endless nappies, toddler tantrums, then playdates, homework - plus managing the family dynamics … it all takes work. The added dimension of step parent/ step children/ half siblings is obviously going to add to the challenge. Great if it all works out like a fairy tale but that’s probably pretty rare.

to think of having another child with a man you’ve known less than a year, when you’ll have a large age gap with your existing children (not to mention presumably moving the man into the home with your existing children) is a massive thing. It’s not old fashioned or conservative to think, hmmm, is this really going to work out best for all concerned!

I dont think its old fashioned to have significant reservations about planning a baby with someone you haven't lived with.

There is no sign that the Op's boyfriend has spent extended amounts of time with the Op's existing children.

By moving in he will become a step parent and his position I think will be harder precisely because the Op's ex husband is absent from their lives. Even if they disliked their father (and they might given how he's behaved) a new man in the house will need easing in carefully to allow everyone to find their bearings.

Nothing conservative about considering all of that.

I have two children from two separate relationships with a 12 year age gap. I am not 40 but did class as "geriatric" for my second childs birth.

I did not have my second child until, he had been around long enough that he lived with me and my other child for a significant amount of time, I felt I knew him (as best you can know someone), we were also married but I don't think that's necessarily required.

A few things:
I would not think about having a child with someone I have not lived with.

A big age gap is no more likely to create siblings who don't like one another than a small one. I know many people, myself included who didn't get on with siblings with closer age gaps. Yet my two are very close. Some kids don't get on regardless of age gaps.

If you need to ask on here it maybe that you aren't truly ready.

Don't be pressured by age, you have 3 or maybe 4-5 good baby making years in you yet. Also don't worry too much about the age gap between children if everything else is 'right'. Most important is your relationship with your children, your new man and their relationship with one another. If that's all good then the 'next step' is worth considering. (we had our third child just before turning 44, no regrets). Best of luck.

It's not really about being unfashionable, it's about realising that there are two existing children here that in the last two years have seen their parents split up, their dad abandoning them, mum getting a new boyfriend. They haven't had a moment to settle down and process how their world has been completely changed. A new man moving in and new half-sibling being born is not in their best interest right now.

You can’t ever guarantee that siblings will get along, and of course there will be some with a decade age gap who get along like a house on fire and some 18 months apart who won’t

but it’s undeniably easier to establish family routines and activities with children of a similar age and stage. It’s pretty difficult to find an activity or outing which appeals to, say, a 13 year old and a 3 year old: that’s just a fact. And while you can work around it (eg each parent taking children off to do separate things) it just makes for a different dynamic. That’s all people are saying. Not that having children with big age gaps means they’ll hate each other, just that you aren’t going to move through each stage of parenting together with them.

As someone exposed to that through a step dad (thankfully not the ''ultimate'' act but it was tried). If for what ever reason I ever find myself single again I would never consider moving another man into the house while my DC are living there.

My friends dad died when she was a young teen. Her mum did go on to date someone else. Took it all very slowly. They did not move in together until her children were all adults/ pretty much moved out.

I think you’re crazy to consider having a baby with someone you don’t even live with yet. You also need to consider the children you already have in this

My aunt did exactly this with her now husband. She went through a divorce where her husband left her for another woman (who was herself 9 months pregnant at the time) with two kids. They were a bit younger. 6 and 4. She was single for a year and then met her current husband. He wanted a baby and they conceived a year later (so the older kids were 10 and 8 when the baby was born). They've been together for over 20 years now. The kids all get along. Ex husband had no involvement with children and the new husband became a father of three, essentially. It all worked out beautifully. This doesn't mean it will be the same for you but since you are asking for experiences, that's what I've got.

You'll find your whole life will become one big balancing act that you can never win OP. Your children will not be joyous about a new baby, it will be like a bomb going off in their worlds and you will find yourself constantly trying to compensate. On top of that, your new partner will be focused on his baby and will start to resent the time, love and money you devote to your existing children, so you will be trying to keep him happy too. Presumably you'll still be working as well. You'll be torn in all directions but it will never be enough for any of them. All this at the age of 40 plus.

It’s still a very new relationship, I’d give it a couple of years of living together to make sure you are truly compatible. Also be prepared that you may become a single parent again.

If you both want a baby then have one.

@Broodyat40 my eldest two were 10 (just) and 11 when I had dc3 (same shit df) and they absolutely hated having another sibling after all that time! They love him now, it didn't help that he's autistic, but they still wonder why I did it! I did have another dc (same df) when I was 42 so great fun going to university open days with a young child. She's is her last year of school and whilst I love her to bits (she has adhd and possibly autism), having her has made my life much harder than it would have been.