Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

That's a really good point Daffodil.

Is there a risk he would pick staying with his dad because staying in the Scottish system would be a less intimidating transition academically than moving to England and A levels? He's done 16 years with his dad, he might think he can handle another 2 and he had some duty to do that to honour the high academic expectations you both have for him (and he probably has for himself). Staying in Scotland would be a much safer bet academically and I wonder if he's been brought up to sacrifice his preferences to whatever is best for his grades. He might find it easier to stay with you, OP, if you stay in Scotland. My apologies if this is way off the mark, feel free of course to ignore.

I just can't help but think an abrupt separation here will allow any rumors to fuel there as to how things fell apart

So you’d rather you and your son stay utterly miserable to keep up appearances? True friends and family will only care that you’re happy, not whether you’re divorced, how your relationship ended etc. Mean spirited people will gossip regardless. I think you seriously need to reevaluate your priorities OP.

Shakti women's aid was a good suggestion, @DexterMorgansmum. Maybe try talking to them for ideas and feedback?
https://shaktiedinburgh.co.uk/services/#bme-women-services

As someone who went through a horrendous marriage break up when my dc were 16 and 18 I would say stay in the local area. Your son will need his friends and routine. My son would have said move away if it had been an option, but now he would say staying was the right decision. If he hadn’t had his network of friends, and the family friends who stayed on my “side” I honestly don’t think he would have got through it.

You are changing what your son has known all his life, his mum and dad and him living together. Don’t also take him away from his school he knows and his friends at what is probably the hardest time in his life so far.

please don’t read this and use it to justify staying with your husband, my dc wish I had left him years ago and, after the initial trauma caused by my ex being a complete arse, are much much happier without him .

Apologies , I did mean England and Wales (I'm not sure about uni fees situation in NI). Also the rules about fees may well have changed since we went through the process. but the UCAS website is a good resource.

So latest update, after son's absolute NO to moving this summer anywhere, I reverted back like I always do , to waiting till Nat 5s are over and getting an apartment near the school.

In the last two weekends, his father has again yelled at me for DS not studying at all for upcoming exams, DS keeps saying he will then doesn't.

Today DS said he was okay with his dad's pushing him to study , it was actually helping him. And that me asking his dad to leave DS alone to find his own way was what was annoying & dramatic.

Well......

Posters on here were right, I just need to leave because of H being verbally abusive to me and leave DS to figure out how much he wants his dad to be in his daily / weekly life and how much he doesn't.

Life feels so grey, I should have left 10 years ago when I still felt strong and able to.

Sometimes literally the only thing that gives me strength and hope, is coming on here and seeing so many brave women fight and survive and ultimately thrive.....

Action needed

I’m the same OP… MN has been my safe place and support too… I am so sorry that you are now having to face your lad ‘siding’ with H… yes honey you must leave and support DS to navigate his relationship with his dad but NOT sacrifice your peace and happiness trying to solve that issue yourself anymore.
Easy to say, harder to do but I’ve had to do it with all 3 of my kids and their dad so I know it can be done and actually you get more respect from your kids for dropping the rope and letting them decide for themselves.
Get your quack quacks lined up and sail forth to your new future, we’re always here cheering you on 💕

OP no one is going to do this for you. Your son can't, your cousin and sister can't, your partner won't. But that's ok because you have all the skills, plus you are working which is a huge well of the practical resource you need.

Please stop all this talk of options with your son, it's unfair and very unsettling on him to have to be part of this while you and your partner are still together, and he has his exams.

While your 'd'sis doesn't sound like a good person, I do think you should stay in Scotland until your son has finished school. He will be entitled to a free University education if he stays and keeps his grades high. Moving to England will remove that right from him.

As other PP’s have said you now need to make your own plans to leave. Keep the door open for DS if he wants to move with you in future. Consult a lawyer, get your finances lined up and get the house valued. You can do this OP - wishing you happiness ahead.

You shouldn't be putting this decision in your son's hands. Its normal for him to feel conflicted and its just not fair for adults to be making him feel its on him. The stress of that is too much for him.

Make your plans, stop running them by your son for his green light. When you are ready to go, go. Your son needs to feel secure and confident that you have got this and can take care of him, rather than him feeling that in some way he has to take care of you.

https://www.lawscot.org.uk/find-a-solicitor/

I remember my mum discussing with me whether she should leave my dad. I must have been about seventeen at the time.
My answer was yes. Their relationship was volatile and dysfunctional and that impacted the whole family.
They are still together. Their marriage, their choices. I wish seventeen year old me had known to say that.

Well exactly 2 months on but feels like two years - still here living in the family home.

Live in guest bedroom , rarely make fake public appearances together at a social event 'for the sake of DS' , do our own thing weekends, each of us cook in turns for DS, and then each for themselves only, cleaning is still mostly me tho, but do not run his cutlery or clothes washes. Sometimes use milk or something from each other's grocery runs like distant housemates

It all feels dull and grey being in a practically dead marriage, I read the life-limiting illness thread to remind myself how much I have to be grateful for

DS finishes exams this month end ....then I need to decide whether I can move out asap or wait it out for two years for financial reasons (moving to 3 days a week only at work instead of full time due to health reasons, so will struggle to keep DS in private school, or pay the full mortgage and fixed monthly bills, on my own).

Hope all those who gave me so much good advice on this thread and other MNers are well !

sounds like you are limbo. There were so much good advice given in Feb to leave and get house valued that it may be worth revisiting

The months will seem like years when you are trapped in an awful living situation. You must start to take small steps to free yourself. Don’t go based on your son and what he wants so far as living as one big unhappy family.

You can't put a price on freedom. Sometimes I think having nothing can make these types of decisions easier. You come from nothing and go to nothing. I had some possessions and that was it. I have a really rich life and home by myself with my daughter now. It's a struggle for other reasons but being by myself is life changing.

Also, having two parents living in this situation will have an emotional impact on your DS that he will carry with him through his adult life.

You need to put yourself first for once. Whatever is good for you, will work out for your son. He will build some resilience and this is especially valuable at his age.

Don't drag it out OP, this is horrible way to live.
After his exams, leave. Start planning now.

Do not wait it out got another two years, no point whatsoever in doing that and it just gives him more opportunity to abuse you and in turn your son. If you can go earlier do so.

I cannot imagine the atmosphere at home is at all conducive to studying for exams either but they can be retaken if necessary.

Do not wait it out another two years, no point whatsoever in doing that and it just gives him more opportunity to abuse you and in turn your son. If you can go earlier do so.

I cannot imagine the atmosphere at home is at all conducive to studying for exams either but they can be retaken if necessary.

@DexterMorgansmum

You deserve so much more than a 'dull grey' life, merely existing. Someday DS will leave home and then what? You'll start a 'new life' then? After years of a dull grey life will you even have the energy?

Much better to make plans and leave now, while the desire is still strong.

Even though I said I read on the incurable cancer thread to try and find gratitude for life as is for the moment - actually increasingly it terrifies me that sooner or later I will get more and more serious health issues as I enter 50s and beyond (indeed many of them are only in their 40s and already facing it) - and that I have no one but my 'part time' abuser (their cycles of reasonable behaviour come and go do they not) as my companion in these scary years ahead with no other support system in place really......

LEAVE THEN!!!!!!!!!!

FFS. You know the answer.