Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

@DexterMorgansmum

I'm on the 'quite far side' of 60 and I am perfectly healthy, no 'serious health issues' and plan to remain so. Getting older does not mean we fall apart. I suggest you stop reading those threads. All they're doing is making you more fearful of getting out and starting a new and happier life.

And I'm on my own. I left DH because he's a verbally abusive alcoholic. I'd rather depend on a Siberian Tiger for 'care' should I need it than depend on him.

I have two grown sons, one travels frequently for work and the other lives about 90 minutes from me. I know that if it becomes necessary they will do their best for me. I also know that, should it become necessary, there are senior housing options as well as care homes where I will be looked after. I have no fear of either. I will not be a burden to them. Chances are your son will do his best for you, too.

Quit being afraid. You are actually luckier than I am. The US has NO social care system for the elderly. I will have to finance my own care, no govt agency will step in and pay for it.

I am close to 60 with a number of long term conditions and to be quite frank, not the best quality of physical life.
But I do know this. Nothing brings on illness as quickly as living with an abuser. Your cortisol levels sky rocket, and your immune system gets destroyed.
What an awful view of life you have, worrying about serious illness and being trapped with your persecutor.
You have a choice. This summer you can choose a new place to live. Your son can still be in your world. But you can be free.
However, you are actively choosing to stay in this.
A miracle for me, something I dream of, is to be able to walk along a beach alone. Go for a coffee with a friend, unaided. To drive a car to a supermarket, alone, and push a trolley around. Everyday things that most everyone else thinks of as ordinary.
Never take these things for granted. You aren’t old, or infirm, you have a son who loves you and a choice to start again.
Grab it with both hands. Don’t choose sickness and imprisonment, because you don’t need to.

@DexterMorgansmum "DS finishes exams this month end ....then I need to decide whether I can move out asap or wait it out for two years for financial reasons (moving to 3 days a week only at work instead of full time due to health reasons, so will struggle to keep DS in private school, or pay the full mortgage and fixed monthly bills, on my own)."

I don't think you need to decide at the end of his exams. That's the definition of procrastination. Decide now, you're only a couple of weeks off.

I know it's all so scary but you have more resources for this because you are working. Move somewhere near a good state school for sixth form, then DS can either start the state school/college or you have it lined up as a backup if private school proves untenable. I'm not sure about the Scottish system but in England , moving gets harder once they have started their post-16 courses. This is going to be your best chance.

Consider the fallacy of prior investment with school fees too. Better to "waste" a term's fees, that you can afford, than need to find 6x that much if you don't have it. There's an argument that state schooling is better prep for uni anyway.

OP very kindly, you started this thread in February (and I think you had a previous one before that). In these three months, what has changed? Has your husband’s behaviour towards you improved? Have you got the house on the market? Has he stopped threatening to move to another country?
I don’t say this to berate, but to say it sounds like nothing has got better, so you are either in a position where you are stuck, miserable for years or you start to make things happen to leave. I think you are stuck and worn down by this, so it feels really difficult, but nothing is going to get better unless you make it so. If it’s what you want then you can do it.
What, exactly are you waiting for?

I agree 100% with this poster. OP listen to this. Stop procrastinating.

I have read all of your posts and if you can even contemplate another two years you will probably never leave. I will never understand why some women do this to themselves.