Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

@DexterMorgansmum

I'm on the 'quite far side' of 60 and I am perfectly healthy, no 'serious health issues' and plan to remain so. Getting older does not mean we fall apart. I suggest you stop reading those threads. All they're doing is making you more fearful of getting out and starting a new and happier life.

And I'm on my own. I left DH because he's a verbally abusive alcoholic. I'd rather depend on a Siberian Tiger for 'care' should I need it than depend on him.

I have two grown sons, one travels frequently for work and the other lives about 90 minutes from me. I know that if it becomes necessary they will do their best for me. I also know that, should it become necessary, there are senior housing options as well as care homes where I will be looked after. I have no fear of either. I will not be a burden to them. Chances are your son will do his best for you, too.

Quit being afraid. You are actually luckier than I am. The US has NO social care system for the elderly. I will have to finance my own care, no govt agency will step in and pay for it.

I am close to 60 with a number of long term conditions and to be quite frank, not the best quality of physical life.
But I do know this. Nothing brings on illness as quickly as living with an abuser. Your cortisol levels sky rocket, and your immune system gets destroyed.
What an awful view of life you have, worrying about serious illness and being trapped with your persecutor.
You have a choice. This summer you can choose a new place to live. Your son can still be in your world. But you can be free.
However, you are actively choosing to stay in this.
A miracle for me, something I dream of, is to be able to walk along a beach alone. Go for a coffee with a friend, unaided. To drive a car to a supermarket, alone, and push a trolley around. Everyday things that most everyone else thinks of as ordinary.
Never take these things for granted. You aren’t old, or infirm, you have a son who loves you and a choice to start again.
Grab it with both hands. Don’t choose sickness and imprisonment, because you don’t need to.

@DexterMorgansmum "DS finishes exams this month end ....then I need to decide whether I can move out asap or wait it out for two years for financial reasons (moving to 3 days a week only at work instead of full time due to health reasons, so will struggle to keep DS in private school, or pay the full mortgage and fixed monthly bills, on my own)."

I don't think you need to decide at the end of his exams. That's the definition of procrastination. Decide now, you're only a couple of weeks off.

I know it's all so scary but you have more resources for this because you are working. Move somewhere near a good state school for sixth form, then DS can either start the state school/college or you have it lined up as a backup if private school proves untenable. I'm not sure about the Scottish system but in England , moving gets harder once they have started their post-16 courses. This is going to be your best chance.

Consider the fallacy of prior investment with school fees too. Better to "waste" a term's fees, that you can afford, than need to find 6x that much if you don't have it. There's an argument that state schooling is better prep for uni anyway.

OP very kindly, you started this thread in February (and I think you had a previous one before that). In these three months, what has changed? Has your husband’s behaviour towards you improved? Have you got the house on the market? Has he stopped threatening to move to another country?
I don’t say this to berate, but to say it sounds like nothing has got better, so you are either in a position where you are stuck, miserable for years or you start to make things happen to leave. I think you are stuck and worn down by this, so it feels really difficult, but nothing is going to get better unless you make it so. If it’s what you want then you can do it.
What, exactly are you waiting for?

I agree 100% with this poster. OP listen to this. Stop procrastinating.

I have read all of your posts and if you can even contemplate another two years you will probably never leave. I will never understand why some women do this to themselves.

OP - seek therapy for yourself and attend a domestic abuse course about healthy relationships (your local DA/DV organisation will run one). You need to do something proactive to help you get out of your current stasis and limbo.

Thanks all those who responded last week , very grateful.

I read the whole thread back again last week and it was very clarifying and grounding to do so, almost like therapy.

We went last week from an agreed amicable last few weeks of cohabiting and coparenting during the Nat 5s to some silly words over the shared housework last week and I snapped back after which we went to zero words or shared co parenting tasks for the past 5 days.

My son immediately seemed to stop any interactions with his dad as well beyond one word replies to any direct questions - even though I told him he did not have to follow suit just because I had gone to no conversation mode with his father.

The thing is I should be happy , because its clear isnt it there whereever and whenever I choose to leave, my son will be on my side with me, and yes I am happy about that, its why I waited patiently the past 10 years for him to grow up.

But in reality, also - along side that knowledge - on the practical side, I actually found the last 5 days very hard without STBEXH contributing with a few tasks he did for DS around the house - like feeding him a couple of times when I was sleeping etc (I fell sick last week with a stomach bug)

I know its only temporary and DS will soon anyways need to be cooking more and fending more for himself - 18 is just 20 months away now.

But I also cant help wondering if STBXH is not contributing to school fees or helping with co-parenting son on a daily basis - why am I even here? I mean one of the things stopping me moving 400 miles away to be with friends and family who could support me with doctor appointments and raising DS - is that legally I feel it is a grey zone to take a DC away from the other parent that far away - but if H is absconding from all duties , why am I still around advocating for his parental rights, in a sense.

What is preventing you from leaving? Previously, you had agreed to get the house valued and sell it - where are you with that?
Have you taken legal advice? If your H is not contributing to school fees then who is paying? You would be better off divorced with financial agreements in place.
Your DS doesn’t need to ‘take sides’ - you just need to be clear with him, that he will always be welcome wherever you are. What your H does regarding a relationship with your son is up to him.
This relationship is toxic, if you can’t leave for you, then leave for your son to show him that you don’t have to settle for an abusive relationship.
You know what you need to do, but being really upfront, you don’t seem to do it - only you can make this happen.
Get legal advice
If he is abusive (and you’ve said he is) speak to Women’s Aid
Go to your GP and get help for your mental health and tell them you’re in an abusive relationship
Plan your exit and follow this through
Or alternatively, do nothing, your DS will leave home anyway and you will spend the rest of your life stuck in this miserable situation.
Sorry to sound harsh - I support you OP, but you’ve got to move past this inactivity if you want change to happen. Decide you will make a legal appointment today and book it for next week.
Start something today for your own and DS’s sake.

Thank you @SlothSpiritAnimal , it just seems like the most amicable respectful way to leave STBEXH is the way he wants to do it that we part ways almost naturally as the next step after DS leaves for uni in 2028 .....

2 years to go for that......

Cohabiting meanwhile is so stressful though

STBEXH also was making noises earlier this year that he was going away to be with his dad for a while later this year, hopefully that happens and he stays away for months at a time

It could be equally amicable if you moved to a nice flat of your own during this summer, perhaps one not far from your son's school, to make things easier for him at the start of the autumn term.

Jeez, again, supportive of you as well. But what horrific, long term MH damage will you do to your son (and you!) if you wait til 2028.

And what Sixth form student could do their best living in that toxicity?

The guilt you are putiing on your DS that you are staying "for his education".

You have a damp, grubby, bacteria laden plaster over a wound. Leaving it on vs ripping it off seems utterly insane.

Leave.

You're harming your son every day you keep him living in this stressful situation! Just get out now!

Have you seen a solicitor to get everything underway, OP?

https://www.lawscot.org.uk/find-a-solicitor/

He's not a STBX though is he? He's just your husband. You're going nowhere. You're putting your child through years of misery because you're in an unhappy marriage and haven't got the balls to sort it out.

just seems like the most amicable respectful way to leave STBEXH is the way he wants to do it

Of course. He is controlling the situation. So acquiescing to his preference is going to cause the least friction.

OP, it is your choice what you do or don't do.

Have you thought about accessing counselling or therapy to help address the effects of being in a coercive and controlling abusive relationship? Perhaps also for your son.

Exactly. I really really hope this is an attention seeking, wind up, rage bait attempt. Because otherwise she's lying to herself about doing this for her son, while actually damaging him even more.

Thank you for staying with the thread since February, hope all going well with you ......

I know I want to leave the marriage, its already quite dead and irreparable and no wish to put in the effort to repair, but it's how I go about it is what I seem to be undecided.....

Reading 'was it even abuse' was so triggering this week as I remembered all the other non-overt abuse as well over the years, the covert narcissim from just neglect, entitlement, selfishness that hurts just as much as the verbal outbursts and overt abuse.

I want to leave as friends with respect and affection for the good times...like the day my son was born ....H calls it me wanting the 'Definitely Maybe Central park scene movie ending' of a divorced couple as amicable friends......he told me he will never give me that if I take the legal route with custody etc etc, ten years ago

I think Im trying to hold true to the amicable separation by just conscious uncoupling when son leaves to uni .....

Meanwhile its very triggering being in the same house though as there are always up and down emotions and one cannot start the grieving process yet....

Thanks for listening, this thread serves as my journal, except it has a lot of wise advice on it from y'all as well .....

You need to start putting your son first, properly and stop waiting for him to grow up and have him on your side.
Whatever happens to him in terms of academic success will be minuscule compared to damage being done to his emotional health and growth.
Do you want him to have a lifetime of disastrous relationships? Because he will.
I was in a relationship with someone similar in my 20’s and I regularly got verbally abused and the silent treatment, as well as being barked at. The person is still on his own now in his 60’s. The damage his parents did with these behaviours was awful.
Stop trying to get him onside.
He is not a de-facto partner he is your son.

You spend far too much time dwelling on what your husband thinks and says, OP.

Your focus should be on your own opinions, not his.

He sounds deeply tiresome.

You are an intelligent woman. Draw on that and start putting together a new and much better life this week.

Why though? He’s not been respectful or amicable with you. Your son is witnessing this toxicity and, whether you mean to or not, it’s setting a blueprint for how he views relationships.
As PP have said, you don’t have to dance to your H’s tune - you are not responsible for the relationship your son has with him, so if you think maintaining the status quo for your son’s sake is a good idea - it isn’t!
You are saying you’ll leave in two years - what if in two years your H says he’s ill and needs your help, will that be another ‘reason’ to stay.
Honestly, get out - start making plans to leave - you are helping no-one by staying, not you, not your son, just your H who has you exactly where he wants you!
Please ask yourself, deep down do you actually want to leave? Is the thought of being on your own so scary it’s making you frozen?

I'm very confused as to why you keep talking about moving to England and finding grammar schools near "family" who aren't actually that close/supportive. You seem to be assuming an awful lot from other people who have given zero indication of what they can actually offer.

Why can't you sell the marital home and find somewhere near to rent/buy where you are until DS finishes all education? That way you, and more importantly DS, have your friends, and teachers, support.

You seem to be in the mindset of all or nothing, when there is an obvious solution staring you right in the face. Is it because all those hurdles are giving you the validation you need to not actually leave?

Completely agree. I renember as a 15 year old feeling nothing but relief when my dad left. 400 miles is not that far, c'mon, OP! Bit of functional family life for your son at last