Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

I'm sorry to be blunt but this waiting to the summer plan is madness!! What if DH finds out?! How many documentaries have we all seen where people wait and it ends badly?!

I have been following this post from the start and im genuinely starting to wonder if its click bait as I just cannot comprehend your logic.

If genuine i completely apologise but for god sake put yourself and get yourself and son out safely. Nothing else matters!!

He has said again this morning that he definitely wants to retire and leave the UK by this summer as apparently very unhappy living here with DS and I

I have replied with yes please leave as soon as you can, no point in you staying as you are so unhappy and making us constantly unhappy as well, ruining our weekends and weeknights - our only escape is work/school

He needs to sort out why he is this unhappy, perhaps a mental health issue , up to him to get support and fix it, Cannot help him anymore

I really hope he leaves asap and shall continue to pray it happens well before the summer. God what an unhappy soul

I truly think he at 54, is unhappy because
A. He does not have a wife who is 34, still in size 6/8s , wants to F every night insatiably, and manages to hold down a busy corporate job that pays well while still having the energy to feed him a hot 3 course every night !
B. Wants to have DS be the top UCAT+highest score in Scotland in highers+ full scholarship red carpet invite from the Ivy leagues and then say on the podium this is all thanks to my dad , the greatest dad in the world
Wanker......

How do we get them to move out asap , to their next onward location - once the discussion has been had so many times to live separately as intolerable living together

Also he appears to want all the sale proceeds from the family home to take with him, laughed at that as it really is ludicrous

I think he is toying with you.

This is your life. Take back control of it, or it will forever be a toy for him to dangle in front of you.

Thanks, what could possibly be the motive for that though, I think he means it that he is also very unhappy and now he wants to move back in with his dad (at 54!)

He got very 'sad and sorrowful' that DS threw away a shirt that DS wore for a sport team when he was only 7 or something - a sport that H coached him in.

I don't get any of this......DS is a child, if the shirt means something, then take it from him and put it away as a parent? why be sorrowful a whole day (sulky is the word) that he threw it away. I have a box of things I packed away , baby clothes and toys of DS that i wrapped up and labelled to be opened when Grandkids are born - left to DS he probably would have thrown away his first rattle say, if it had still been lying in his room to date

I really think H after leaving us should go get mental health help - maybe it is purely never having adapted to the long cold winters here or something but he's not right in the head at all , more so in recent years for sure.....

You need to start your divorce now !

The Gov website will take you through all the info step by step.

A divorce takes around 6 months - longer if lots of fighting over money etc. but at least it will be well started - as you need to ask for at least 50% of the house and his pension etc. before he cashes in his pension / lives off it and you need maintenance for your son until he is x age

Can he even take his private pension at 54 ?!!!
he has a very long wait for his state one, that will be 67

www.gov.uk/divorce

p.s. stop allowing a child to make your choices/decisions, you are the parent...

Thanks, I don't think he has a clue whether he can take his workplace pension at 55 - he probably thinks he can tide over with the proceeds from the family home and other savings - with the choice of retirement location being very low cost compared to the UK

Also yet again today he said 'if only you had not forced the private fee paying school idea on us , additional joint savings for the 4+2 years would have been XX K Pounds .......'

Wish I had gone with state school from S1 now if I could turn back time - just to not hear this said for the millionth time, pathetic parent what. Can afford it but still too stingy to do anything for anyone else even ones own child

I’ve read all your thread OP and the motivation is to mess with you and to exert control,
I imagine originally, when he talked about leaving, he expected you to beg him to stay. Now he knows you want him to go, he’s likely to tell you he’s leaving and then not go,
Kindly, as PPs have said, you need to make your plan to leave for your and your DS’s wellbeing. You seem to be now banking on him leaving this Simmer. What are you going to do when he doesn’t?
I know you have put up with his abuse for a long time and you are frightened of leaving - umderstandably so, but you are allowing this to give reasons why you can leave yet - your DS’s exams, the fact that your ‘D’ H is saying he’s going to leave.
Please think about and plan your escape. Once you’re ready, tell DS that you’re going and he can come with you, BUT, if he chooses to stay he can change his mind at any point.
Please don’t rely on your husband actually leaving the country - he’s dangling this over you and it’s not a guarantee. This man is awful and you deserve better.

Thanks, yes, I think the best thing is to agree to put the family home for sale as step 1 - but instead of renting, I look for a much smaller place to buy for DS and me to stay, with half the equity share from this place.

That would be calling his bluff / encouraging his plan to leave -while seen as working with him on it - ie he has said once he cant leave till he has the money to leave from selling this place

Whatever will help you get away from him forever. Also make sure if the house is sold, that half the money goes into your bank account and not one that he controls.

however in the event of divorce, and a child to support it is highly possible you could be awarded more than 50% of the house

so

3 estate agents in to give valuations with the thought of selling

Open a separate account and have your salary paid in there in the future .

@DexterMorgansmum

I am begging you, please please, see a solicitor ASAP. Even if you've seen one before, now that he's said he wants the entire house profit AND that he's going to retire and leave the country you MUST learn how you can protect yourself financially RIGHT NOW.

I still doubt his leaving the country scheme, but then again he is getting desperate as he feels you and DS slipping out of his control. And desperate people do desperate things. And moving money around is surely one of them!

I agree with others - you need to seek urgent legal advice about his threats to move abroad with the full proceeds of the house sale. There is a chance he could pull it off and disappear to a country where you have no legal chance of recovering your half.

See what a solicitor says - what you can do now to protect your half of the assets? I would imagine divorce proceedings as soon as possible. And a forensic detective to work out exactly how much he has squirrelled away in savings.

Whatever you do, do not sell the house without legal advice (and likely starting the divorce process.) The money could hit your joint account, he transfers it all to an account in his name and jumps on the next flight.

This needs putting a stop to and you need to do it.
Your son will have to be guided by you.
Your husband sounds unstable, at best. All this moving abroad, keeping the money, etc it’s just noise. He flip flops constantly.
As do you, but I can understand why you do.
But it’s time to stop waiting for him to
do anything. The likelihood of him moving is small.
He is messing with your mind to keep you off balance. He enjoys it.
You need to provide the stability for your son now and if that means change, then change comes even if it means changes in his education. It’s absolutely worthless while he’s living in this hell.
He’s being abused and manipulated.
Act.

Just start divorce process.

See a lawyer NOW!
If you go ahead with selling the house before a divorce he WILL pocket all the profits, leave you with nothing, and chained to him for ever.
Don't be naive he is not your friend.
Don't end up a cliché: the wife who signed away all ger rights to property and ended up destitute.

@DexterMorgansmum ok so when are you contacting an estate agent ?
Are you going to book a solicitor appointment and get the divorce started ?

Stop talking and analysing and over-analysing and re-analysing and DO something.
Stop focusing on him and start focusing on YOU.

He has said again this morning that he definitely wants to retire and leave the UK by this summer as apparently very unhappy living here with DS and I
I have replied with yes please leave as soon as you can

Come on now, he's not going to leave. You know this. He's just messing with your head.

If you want change you will need to make it happen.

Thank you , I need the reality check and the kick in the arse that I get here....

I'm lazy and a coward ....

You can't have your son calling the shots. Because you are also affected and need to get away from this relationship, not just your son. Please don't wait til summer.