Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

If legal things might start moving soon OP it might be worth asking for this thread to be deleted. There is so much identifying info about your family / friends etc that it could cause a headache if your husband finds it. Maybe start one with less identifying info as you still deserve loads of support and encouragement of course

Or ask for it to be moved to OTBT.

I think a separation first

I'm going to mention here what I was told by my lawyer. IF you are going to move anything (including children) do it BEFORE you file any type of legal papers.

Once those papers are filed you may be 'enjoined' from moving the DC and/or have to get his permission to do so. Because you cannot be 100% certain he's going to fuck off to Tahiti (or wherever). Often when things get 'real' for the person who's initiated the split they turn into a different person altogether and the things you never thought they'd interfere with suddenly become of paramount importance to them.

So please don't wait to see that solicitor. It will be money very well spent. The advice I received was invaluable and I was able to take actions that secured my ability to pay my living expenses and my financial security. She created a file with all my info but took no action and I did not pay the retainer, just a 'consultation' fee. Once I had take the actions I needed to take, it was a simple phone call for her to draw up the papers. I then paid the retainer and the ball started rolling.

' If we feel the need to legalise it with divorce will just apply online straight off. It would be a marriage under Hindu Law in India in 2004 being dissolved and there are some solicitors in the Asian community who specialise in this '

I guess all the advice that you have been given on this thread relates to UK law / Scottish Law, are you legally married according to UK / Scottish Law ?

Would the rules of the country you currently live in apply more or less than any rules under Hindi Law ?

@DexterMorgansmum London borough of Hounslow have very good secondary schools. Have a look / I can make suggestions , let me know x

Not trying to sound flippant, but I'd say our marriage is as legal as Rishi Sunak and whatshername (genuinely can't remember her name, Naryana Murthy's daughter Im a bad Indian !)

Hindu law marriages must be legal here I am sure....actually if it isn't then thats one hassle less I suppose

Thank you, this is my list so far and thought Watford near my cousin is the perfect base , a tube ride into L....all these are nearby schools and good /recoed

1. Queen Elizabeth Grammar, Barnett
2. Watford Grammar
3. Parmiters school, Watford
4. Chesham Grammar
5. Dr Challoners Grammar
6. Royal Grammar , High Wycombe

Any thoughts on above @AnonAnonmystery

Akshata Murthy !

Thanks will do eventually, Ive come back to read it so many times, not ready just yet so far

@DexterMorgansmum two of my friends sons went to Queen Elizabeth’s and one of them are at Oxford now! They are outstanding young men from your ethic background, brought up by their wonderful single mum. I used to go swimming at this schools pool and the grounds are outstanding ❤️

Look I did Nat 5 to A-level transition (or equivalent, I'm old!). It was really hard and that was in a high acheiving independent with tutoring opportunities.

My take on this is you need to get you and your son out of the toxic environment of your house and your son needs to stop fucking about doing medical school prep and concentrate on getting good grades in his Nat 5s

Quite frankly if he isn't getting pretty much straight As in them he ain't going to Oxbridge especially to study medicine. I'm involved in a medical school and the entry requirements are sky high. And he isn't going to qualify for wider access!

He also needs to think back page stuff - so sorting work experience is good, but some kind of community volunteering would help, does he play high level sport, music etc? Is he doing DofE.

And with the shit show that is the NHS and junior doctors jobs does he actually want to do medicine? I see so many asian kids who have been forced into because it's what you do if you are a bright and scientifically minded they don't thrive at medical school or if they get through as resident doctors. I'm a doctor and I actively discourage anyone who asks me about it).

Can’t help wonder why the OP is focussed on the detail but not the big picture after all the advice given.

Totally crushed and heartbroken

My DSis called last night to say not to come anywhere near there as my marriage is an embarrassment to her - not even to go to Watford near our cousin as me living alone and depending on others for support is a huge embarrassment

Blethered on something about how one needs to sacrifice their needs for their marriage and family...

Back to original plan now of waiting for H to move out and bugger off so DS and I can live in peace or moving to near DSs school here

Cried so much last night and wanted to quit my job inexplicably this morning as cant face work

I was going to rent my own place, continue my corporate job, do all the practical financial stuff on my own, if anything - it was just emotional support with the bunch of cousins , uncle/aunt etc - but apparently living without a husband is an embarrassment - I wasnt even going to tell any of the cousins about the marriage just that he moved to be with his DF. They are all much younger millenials and I dont they think anyone single is a failure.

If i do go at this point, I think it will be near Hs cousin , as apparently I am such an embarrassment to my birth family.

You have a foul immoral family. Kind strangers (not family) are better than them. Divorce is not shameful, abuse is. The abuser is the one who carries the shame, not you. Live your lovely life without "family" but with supportive friends, whoever they are.

Whatever happens hold your head high, give pity and silence to those who refuse to support you.

This is astoundingly cruel of her OP. I can’t fathom saying something like that to my sibling. Is it worth speaking to one of your cousins, whoever you are closest to, and explaining some of what’s been going on? If they’re younger then like you said they’re more likely to have a normal viewpoint and want to be supportive. You are not wrong for wanting to leave an abusive marriage - it reflects terribly on your sister that she would prioritise her own feelings of embarrassment over the happiness of a sibling. Sending a big hug and support.

Thanks @Imbrocator and @Hhhwgroadk , was shockingly inhumane by any standards anywhere in the world and any ethnic background .....didn't see it coming, but got a glimpse of what is in ppl's hearts - i.e. seeing me as a burden when I am growing old alone - and glad I could get that glimpse and stay well away. She's probably regretting being too dark now - not only does no one in the UK in their right mind think leaving an unhappy marriage is 'embarrassing', no one anywhere in the world probably thinks that, even I can see that in all my misery.

Might as well rely on Women's aid and council if needed - apparently I am not to 'inflict myself' on any of the cousins either.

Sorry just a useless rant.

You don't need to live near to any family members, you can do this yourself.
You are a strong woman and have a good job.

Stay in Scotland, get legal advice put your plans into action !

and as your son is already in the Scottish education system, and you both live in Scotland - stay in Scotland He will get University free !!! if he does choose a Scottish one.

Get back in touch with your friend who was going to find you a rental.
Start getting any and all paperwork ready.

and

Get legal advice !

Honestly, I think talking to Womens Aid can help normalise your predicament for you. To outsiders reading your thread, you come over as rather bewildered and lost. I'd guessed that this reflected engulfment by 'family values' in combination with an overbearing, mean-minded spouse. Both factors are known to impair rational thought, indeed it's a generational strategy to secure obedience.

It's worked on your sister and, apparently, your cousins. You're lucky to have a more independent streak that has railed against psychological imprisonment. There's nothing wrong with seeking more impartial input to assist your thinking - it's the wise thing to do for your own sake, and your son's.

Shame on her. Sending you strength. The dishonour and embarrassment is on her. Disgraceful sister and human being.

Come on, OP.

Make an appointment with a solicitor for this week.

Doing so is going to open the door to a brighter future.

www.lawscot.org.uk/find-a-solicitor/

I know it's scary but there is a limit to how much practical difference one cousin or one friend can make IRL over and above what they can give you on facetime. Elaborately seeking the very best school in reach of one friend is not sensible prioritisation, and talking to extended family about your plans to leave him before you have taken legal advice to make sure you secure your half of the assets is foolhardy.

With the added complication of Nat 5s it would be so much more sensible to move somewhere within Scotland. Your BF etc can still be supportive to you from a distance and it would be much easier for your son to move schools in Scotland. For medical school your son needs decent grades (which can be got at many different schools, it doesn't have to be a grammar) and to be somewhere stable so he can handle getting relevant work experience, super curriculars, and medical school entry tests.

You need when you are able to make friends who see you and accept you as you are.
I think you should stay in Scotland and make a new life there with your son.
Taking him so far away from what he knows would have been a wrench.
You are a really strong, independent person, but you are flip-flopping a bit at the moment because you feel without a rudder?
That is completely normal at this stage.

Sympathies, my friend is Indian and most of her family were awful about her divorce. Her parents are still trying to get her to take her ex back 10 years on despite his violence and him paying nothing towards their kids to get back at her. Because the parents think they've lost face due to her divorce when the reality is they've lost face by picking such an awful husband for her. She's got great boundaries though and doesn't get dragged down by them.

I don't understand why you think you need to be near family. It would surely be simpler and much less disruptive to move into a local rental as you were planning. Perhaps longer term when your son is at uni you could move again but it seems too disruptive to move countries now, particularly when you seem to be stuck in analysis paralysis. The important priority is legal advice and physical and financial separation.

Being at the mercy of your husband's whims (he probably won't move/leave, he's just playing games) seems like a recipe for even more anxiety. You can take control of this rather than waiting to see what he does next.