Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

He yelled at me this morning after DS left for school, as I had noticed a hole in DS's sock just as he was leaving (slipping school shoes on) but there was no time to give DS another pair to change into

I just went back to my bed after DS left for school (till 8.30 and time to log into work) to ignore H

Have you booked a solicitors appointment yet?

Lots of people have given you advice on here. I think it is time to take it and stop telling us how awful your 'D'H is.

I do have sympathy for the situation and I've previously said I've been in your shoes. You DO need to take action now. The longer you stay and do nothing, the harder it is going to be.

Your 'D'H isn't going anywhere. He doesn't believe you'll leave him and is toying with you. He is enjoying harming you and DS.

Just get yourselves out of there. Go with the things you can carry.

Honestly, nothing will change unless you take action and before you know it, it'll be just you and 'D'H alone in that house.

You will survive it, so what if you start again with nothing. Anything is better than this.

Do you actually want to leave really ?

@DexterMorgansmum I'm sorry, but you do realise that your husband is never going to leave, don't you? He's playing you and he's winning, because you just keep kicking the can down the road.

I get that it is a frightening thought to actually have to get through all the upheaval of separation, but if you can't do it, this will NEVER change.

Have you even spoken to Women's Aid or a solicitor? No-one can help you if you won't help yourself and it's becoming very clear that people are wasting their time, trying to help.

OK you're all so right, will come back to post only when I have an actual update and not more rants/venting on how horrible it is with 'H'

Thank you so much for all the advice, links , etc

Good luck OP, you can do this, you've got this! 💪👏

Good luck OP, you absolutely CAN do this. He may have you thinking you're weak and have nowhere to go but you aren't weak and you do have options.

Please start with Womens Aid at the very least. It is scary as fuck to begin the process but the alternative is much worse.

Stay strong for your DS, I KNOW it is hard.

Why is he yelling at you about socks? Can he not just walk upstairs and get a pair down? It’s hardly your fault

OP I'm the poster who was in your son's shoes many many moons ago as I'm your age now.
I agree with pp, stop wasting time and prolonging the situation looking for people to agree with you. That wont help the situation.

Your son will carry for life the devastating effects for the rest of his life when you NORMALISE the situation and don't take action. His frame of reference is totally distorted now.

I decided to post here when you mentioned your good relationship with your mum, so that makes me feel you have no idea how it is for your son. You have no idea how devastating it is for him, the level of insecurity he will have for life, the low self steem, the need of acceptance at all costs, the empty sense of self. If you don't act NOW he won't have any desire in the future to connect with both you and your husbands, I can guarantee that.

Thats my current sutuation with my parents. Your husband won't ever leave as he is too comfortable. But you are too comfortable too. The only one losing is your son. Once he finds out what stability in a home looks like, he won't have any desire to spend time with you, that's guaranteed. You are still on time, act now.

Talk to the estate agents yourself. Do not pass on any information. You are not "working" for him any more. If you research useful information it is for your and your DS benefit.

@DexterMorgansmum

You aren't lazy nor a coward. What you are is shit scared. And that's OK and normal.

What you need to do is take that first step. See a solicitor and get questions answered. It's a simple visit and they aren't going to make you sign your life away nor force you to file anything. If you were ill you'd go to the doctor, right? this is no different. You're in 'trouble', you see a solicitor.

Once you have answers to your legal questions, you will be able to make the next decision, whatever that is is up to you.

ETA: and you post whatever 'rants' you want to, don't let anyone discourage you. That's what this thread is all about. You saying your truth 'out loud' in the way you cannot do IRL. Just doing that will start to make you see things more clearly. It's part of the journey.

You don’t have to earn the right to post here, @DexterMorgansmum . You can come back to moan, rant, or ask for a kick up the bum!

People are just worried that the fear and the status quo will keep you where you are- which is what he wants and isn’t what you want.

Don’t let him set the schedule. Get the advice and information you need without telling him. Keep coming here for a head wobble, or to keep track of your progress.

But make progress. Do something every day that will help you end your marriage. You don’t need to know the fine details of the future, but you do need to take a step towards it.

In a divorce you could probably ask for most of the house whilst he held on to his pension.
If you sell and split the house 50/50 he can then run back home with his pension intact.

Absolutely this.

Its a support thread. Nobody here should be telling you what to do or berating you - you've had plenty of that and thats the problem!

It can be immensely difficult to leave. But you have the right to think about it and talk about it and consider it and what you might want, or not want.

he can trace which air BnB we are in from my account

Not if you change your account password.

How are things? @DexterMorgansmum

Hi @ThisJadeBear , thanks for asking.

I only have the courage to leave to a rental if it is in England near family, I think it is partly what people here (we have so many friends and all of them are happily married, zero divorces here in the community etc) will say. As well whilst I can have a fresh start there, it feels messy here

I have against the advice of a few posters on here, about moving after Nat 5 here, to S5/S6 in England (Year 12 and 13 there? or Year 11 and 12?) - started enquiring about state schools and grammar schools in these places -

1. Watford near my cousin - good state schools and grammar schools too
2. Potters Bar/St Alban's - my Uni best mate's son goes to school at grammar secondary here
3. Staines near my sis - her son went to a private school - Harrow Boys. But there was a grammar school (Tiffen Boys?) he got into as well nearby
4. High Wycombe - Best friend from 2. lives here.
5. Anywhere within 30 mins of 1-4

If I can get school locked down for Aug/Sept 2026, the rest will fall in place, DS is working on A's in Nat 5 meanwhile that will help with school entry. Trying to gather info.

Chesham Grammar School. Equidistant between Watford and High Wycombe

Also another cousin is closer by in Birmigham and is also a GP and has agreed to provide work exp for my son for a week this summer - so perhaps schools there are an option too as my uncle/aunt are often there with her over from HongKong (they got British passports during the handover in 1998) to look after her DC - so there would be lots of support. The uncle is my mum's DB and lived with us for years during my childhood in HK.

Thank you will check their website out now and ratings.

@DexterMorgansmum

Have you been to see a solicitor, OP?

I think a separation first @TheSquareMile , he has agreed we each take half of the proceeds from the family home here in Scotland - there isn't much else tbh except we each keep our pensions ofc - as of now, he says he is moving out of the UK this Aug so I get to keep DS and anyway at 16 DS can't be forced to go more than he wants to visit /stay with H - so I might not need to pay a lawyer ? no fees etc. If we feel the need to legalise it with divorce will just apply online straight off. It would be a marriage under Hindu Law in India in 2004 being dissolved and there are some solicitors in the Asian community who specialise in this , but I don't want to pay unless I need to.

I know I might be able to get 60/70pc of the family home or even get to stay till DS is 18 and not forced to sell asap if using a solicitor- but I want H to have his share sooner so he can move on too. Amicably with dignity hopefully

He can do well and get great grades at lots of decent schools, grammar or not. If anything I would favour a comprehensive over grammar so there is a bit of a safety net for him while he gets up to speed, maybe less pressure.

Plan the best life you can with the richest support network you can find and work school around that. The best schools may well be chock full be abuse they keep full waiting lists. A next-best school that can offer and hold a place for your son might be a far better bet.

Given what you have written about your background I would urge you even more strongly to get some legal advice before you change anything at all.