DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

Op the more we hear about this man the more of an absolute clusterfuck he sounds like. Your life is going to be so much more peaceful when all this is done with. Hang in there!

He might not be drinking, but he is NOT sober.
To become genuinely sober you have to do it for yourself, and whatever drove you to it has to dealt with. And it takes a while, and is a lifelong job. He’s not getting counselling, he’s not going to AA, he’s basically still obsessive. He’s swapped his obsession for alcohol with one for you.
He doesn’t love you, he has no idea what it is. What he does want is to be reflected in you.
He sounds like he has a personality disorder.
So glad you are getting some help.
And not if he has to leave but when he has to leave what he does next is not your responsibility.
You have your own DD to consider who also needs this man out of her life.

I cannot believe the OP initially described this abusive lunatic as perfect.
Her poor child with this total freak foisted on her in her own home.

A couple of weeks ago? You mean three days before you posted when it was already clear that things were ridiculous?

(This is, of course, assuming that it was actually arranged a couple of weeks ago when you were still describing the previous routine as current and he's not just saying 'oh, we arranged this a couple of weeks ago').

And the sister happens to be just after he asked what you'd do if he got back in contact, you said you'd be disappointed and he went off on one about being controlling - as though he'd already done it or decided to do it immediately after your response.

Stop making excuses. He's not helpless and innocent with all these things just happening to him. He's deliberately engineering things to trap you, knowing that the little kicked puppy act debilitates you, so that he can press on with sending messages that tell you he's thinking about how you can meet his urges whilst he's looking at you with your daughter and take your attention away from her to put it back on his penis.