DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

I actually don't think he's mently unwell or has an addictive personality at all. I think he's just a textbook abusive narcissist using manipulation, thinly veiled threats and all the other typical narc bullshit.

Addictive personality doesn't mean a person thinks the word no doesn't apply to them or that they don't have to respect boundaries. Thats just plain old Psychopath territory.

Well done op. Let us know you’re ok. We don’t need details if that’s too much. Just “I’m safe” would be great.

I get your point but I assume you need to be mentally unwell to actually do it on the first place, if you were mentally healthy you’d not abuse people. Maybe that’s naive. However I agree it’s abuse. Insidious, creepy abuse,

I guess I'd argue that psychopaths etc aren't mentally ill. They're just predators doing whatever works for them to keep their prey.

In a similar way like autism isn't mental illness.

It's just, part of the person that they are.

Not sick. Just not like the accepted norm.

Not that it matters really. It's just, mental illness implies they can be 'fixed'. Where as its more like...a dog will never be a cat.

Well done op, this stuff is so confusing and not easy to see. But once you do you can’t unsee it! Good luck with the transition and look forward be being free in your own home to live life without invisible chains 💞

Womens aid and the freedom program are worth their weight in gold.
I agree with a pp don't promise to remain friends to let him down gently, he will take that as a green light to keep turning up as your friend. Let everyone in your social circle and work know what is happening so they are prepared. You will be surprised how common this is.

Good luck today @Suffocatedlove . I hope you get a solid plan in place and give this creepy guy his cards. Stay safe. Xx

@Suffocatedlove I hope your meeting goes well today.

Good luck OP, I'm so glad you're speaking to someone who can help. I was reading your updates with an ever increasing sense of horror. He's potentially dangerous. I'm glad you can see it.

Hoping that the meeting today goes well too, OP.

You don't owe him anything. He's had his chance - you let him stay because he got sober. He didn't only do that for you; he did it for himself. A lot of members have mentioned gaslighting but you haven't. Would you check this out for me? https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-gaslighting-in-relationships

Hope you're ok Op.

I hope you are ok and safe OP, he doesn’t sound at all as a guy who would go quietly to safe face.

Hope you are doing ok OP

Hi all! Sorry it’s been a hectic few days. I met with the IDVA and it was really helpful. Going to be more of a pain than I realised though given the tenancy situation.

As I said, I spoke to him over the weekend and explained everything, the intensity, the issues etc and he got quite upset but said that he realises he is quite ‘intense’. I have asked him to back right off until I decide what I want (to buy me time so I can at least breathe!) and he has, still the odd weird comment but otherwise kind just mooching about doing what he has to do with the hump.

It didn’t help that he had his DD Friday and Saturday and it was hell tbh. She is so messed up she screamed for 4 hours Friday night non stop and about 5 hours Saturday about how much she hated him, her mum, everyone. I let him manage this as much as possible but it’s a challenge in a house as you can imagine. So everyone was very fatigued come Sunday.

His sister who is is NC with also turned up unannounced Saturday which was a shock and tbh I spent a lot of time explaining to him I don’t want her near my home.

Gosh OP what a lot on your plates at the moment.

Just a word of warning:
I have asked him to back right off until I decide what I want (to buy me time so I can at least breathe!) and he has, still the odd weird comment but otherwise kind just mooching about doing what he has to do with the hump.

That's not how an adult shows respect for the feelings and needs of the person they love. He's behaving like a petulant child. You can talk to him until you're blue in the face, he just doesn't get it. He's just biding his time until his twattery can crank up again.

Good morning!
Thank you for the update, I was wondering how you were getting on.
I've read through all your posts again, and it's amazing to see your thoughts changing as you read through everyone's replies telling you all the things that are wrong about this man and your relationship.
What came across very strongly was that he actually doesn't care about you OP. Not in a normal way. He wants everything to be how HE wants, from how you rest on the sofa, to how you think. He really does come across as completely unhinged, and deeply mentally unstable.

If you went to court to get an 'ouster' order (to make him move out) and listed everything about his behaviour towards you, I think you would be granted it straight away.
It may be that that is what you will have to do...
Good luck, stay strong! 💐

It sounds like the entire family is messed up to a degree that can never come right. Please, OP, hold to your decision and go for that oyster order.

Stay strong.

It runs in his family then? Horrible for you and particularly your DC. Your IDVA probably said this but log everything that constitutes DA from before and now. You need this to apply for an Occupation Order which will remove him from the home. Also report coercive controlling behaviour to police online. You may have done this already. Wish you well his behaviour is very concerning.

Oh man, @Suffocatedlove , you've got a lot to deal with. Just focus on yourself and getting all the good advice you possibly can. And get away from the house as much as possible.

Would you feel safe at this point speaking to the landlord about getting out of the tenancy early? Would there be a way to buy yourself out (if that's feasible).

I know you've spoken to IDVA, but have you spoken to an actual solicitor about this? They may have other ideas that might help you about breaking/getting out of the lease. I'd speak to a solicitor before I spoke to the landlord, though.

Yeah, strange how they both just happen to come over when he isn't getting his own way, isn't it?

Almost as though he'd engineered it to send you off balance/to make you forget all about your own needs.

.. so his daughter turned up and behaved like this, then sis sister who you don't want anything to do with.

@NeverDropYourMooncup makes a good point that it seems an odd coincidence.

But I have to say that neither this man, his daughter or his sister sound like they add anything to your life and in fact as if they make it considerably more unpleasant than it would be if they weren't around.

No it was his (new) arrangement to have his DD so this was planned a couple of weeks ago.

Not sure about his sister but he hates her so did send her packing thankfully and she didn’t come in the house

He sounds totally deranged.

Good luck op.

@Suffocatedlove hope you're ok.

You must be worn out with all the stress.