DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

You don't need permission to end a relationship from anyone and you don't need a reason which makes sense to anyone else. Because you are not happy is a reason in and of itself. The only exception to this is when you share children - but you don't have shared children, you're balancing the feelings of two adults and putting yourself lower currently.

You're not responsible for someone else's decisions they make regarding their own wellbeing. Every person who has had a close relationship with an alcoholic feels responsible for the alcoholics'choices because its the nature of that type of dependent relationship, it's not a relationship of equals.

I can't see that you should feel bad about him cleaning up his act to keep you. Him stopping drinking is only a positive thing for him?

But so are you, you get to have a happy existence too. Make the choice that is right for you, you don't owe anyone an adequate justification.

@Suffocatedlove Have you fully understood that he doesn't love you? Because nothing he has done or said is about love. He doesn't really sees you as a person but as a "thing" he needs to feel good. He never thinks about what you need or desire- It's all about him. If you can see that clearly you won't feel any misplaced guilt about leaving him. Your his current obsession but he will find another one (woman/alcohol/drugs).

I think you should talk with your daughter and tell her you want to leave him. That way you won't have to "smooth things over".

Well done re calling women’s aid OP. It may be worth speaking to the police if he doesn’t leave at your request this weekend. You can apply for a DVPN or DVPO with them which means he cannot return to the address even if he is listed as a tenant. He cannot return be arrested if he does try to turn up.
Just make sure you are honest with them about the manipulation etc and ask a IDVA or women’s aid advocate to come with you.
There is SO much support available for women who want to end relationships like this, but it’s your move now and you will need to step forward and ask for the help if he doesn’t go willingly.
my advice would be - have a friend sit in a car outside while you do the breaking up. Don’t get into an argument or get dragged into the mental gymnastics. Be very clear that you cannot ‘try to be friends’ or ‘just take a break’.

Just a basic ‘I have realised I don’t love you anymore. I would like you to leave today. There is nothing you can say or do to change my mind.’ Don’t give him the space to wail and cry and fuck with your head.

Police won’t evict a person from their own home just because another tenant says so

What makes you think he will be arrested or that she will get a DVPO for anything he's done??

Oh good luck. Stay strong! He will absolutely lay on the emotional blackmail as he is shameless and cares only about himself. If he loves you as he says he does, then he would want you to be happy! He wants what he wants and he will use whatever tools he has at his disposal to maintain the status quo. He may well threaten to harm himself as others have said. Do not feel bad about that. It’s another form of control.

Your body does not lie. It wants to repel him for good reason. Your DD doesn’t want him in her life. Listen to her and your body: get him gone. He is not your responsibility. He sees you as a commodity, a prize to be won. Just like his own DD. That level of detachment is quite sinister. This is why he gives me cause for concern. Because I don’t think he thinks of you as a person in your own right. You exist for him. To give him comfort, adoration, sex. You’re not entitled to your own feelings. And when you express them he turns everything back on himself and his wants/feelings. Please do be careful as he’s giving off major red flags.

Call women’s aid. Make a plan. Call your LL/agent. Ask about the process to remove him from the tenancy. Sit him down and give it to him straight: you don’t love him, you do not desire him sexually, you need him to move out. You don’t want a six hour heart to heart. There is zero benefit for you in doing that. You don’t owe him. Set a date. Can he stay with friends while he finds his own place? Don’t let him wheedle his way back in by laying on the drama. Don’t feel sorry for him. He doesn’t care about you. Be strong for your DD. A month from now, when he’s gone and off the tenancy, you will be able to breathe and it will be wonderful!!!

And prepare yourself for the suicide threats, the whttabouterry etc etc. just make your statement again, and be firm. Weirdos like this always end up with a new woman within days / week

Coercive control is a crime an DVPO’s don’t need a conviction-only an allegation. I work in criminal justice, specifically housing offenders so I see this on a daily basis

No. No. No. Please no. Not another one advising couples counselling. Please do not give this advice.

Isn’t also not permitted to do counselling with an abuser? Or they don’t like to or something.

Call your LL/agent. Ask about the process to remove him from the tenancy

There isn't a process to remove a joint tenant other than if the tenancy has run its fixed period one tenant can give notice to terminate the tenancy. The landlord might, but certainly isn't obligated, to offer OP a new tenancy.

This.

Yes, but as OP was the sole tenant previously, long term it sounds like, I would imagine the chances are good that the landlord will agree to signing a new agreement with her rather than the expense and gamble of letting it out again to new people. Hope OP will speak to landlord and set this in motion.

It’s dangerous. They can weaponise the counsellor and use this to ramp up the emotional abuse. The partner being emotionally abused can actually become more vulnerable and isolated as a result. Abusers are very adept at making everything about them. They can twist things the counsellor says, or even get them on side! And when you’re doubting yourself and trying to navigate an abusive relationship (where you may not even realise you’re being emotionally manipulated, although you sense something is not right), when the abuser says “see? Even our counsellor agrees with me!” It is more likely to make you think the problem isn’t their behaviour. It is you. You are the problem. You need to be fixed. They are not to blame. It can absolutely make things much much worse.

The problem isn’t about boundaries or communication: it is his behaviour. Couples counselling is not the answer! I agree he needs therapy. But from someone highly trained, possibly someone specialising in personality disorders. OP is in an emotionally and sexually coercive relationship and should not be advised to do couples counselling with this man.

I agree with everything here.
You need to get him out of your life.
If you can’t get him off your lease you are going to have to sacrifice your home.
This is still going to be by far the lesser of two evils.

Op, you mentioned that your friends don't like him. Can you confide in a few and let them know what you intend to do? It will help you not to feel alone in this. If you can get a few to have muscular looking partners on standby even better. Your partner will be ready to talk you round, use emotional blackmail etc. However if he sees that you have back up he will realise that you mean it.

I do think OP we all think ( and I’m guilty of this too) that it’s easier to split with a ‘firm reason’ and women in particular are conditioned to this - I remember when I decided to split with my 1st husband and my grandmother saying ‘but he earns good money , he’s handsome and he doesn’t hit you’ ! That’s how low the bar was for plenty of the previous generations. But sometimes there really isn’t one solid reason, it’s whole ‘bits of reasons’ that mean we just no longer feel happy, safe, in love etc and that can mean that having to spend endless amounts of time with someone who no longer is ‘your everything’ becomes a real mental issue. If we could seem them twice a week for an hour an awful lot more would cope with less than what’s ideal , but that’s not the case

I couldn't be this cold hearted about a child, even if that child isn't mine.

There are a billion children in worse circumstances. Perhaps OP should take responsibility for them all?

🙄

@Suffocatedlove i am rooting for you here too along with others.

A couple of thoughts and things to consider.

In the space of 1-2 days you had a massive realisation that you are in fact in an abusive relationship, a massive shift from calling your partner ‘perfect’. You need time to process this and make a plan. This is potentially high risk situation, i bet your adrenaline is high and if you are anything like me, you want to address it with action because you want to take back control of the situation. However in telling him this weekend you are losing the chance to get prepared.

You don’t have to tell him just yet. His reaction is unknown and is likely not going to be good. He is a liability. And he lives in your home, in your space, has access to all that is in the house, valuable items, documents, items of sentimental value to you and your daughter. What is he decides to destroy those, creating more problems to you and making it harder to leave?

I think you need to do more work in terms of talking to your landlord, talking to Women’s Aid, potentially police. Gather important documents and take them out of the house where he can’t access them, give them to a friend for safekeeing. Talk to a few close friends about this situation so people know what’s going on.

Do you have any joint bank accounts?

I feel your decision to tell him this weekend is too hasty and it will make things more difficult for you. I would sit tight for a bit until you work out a feasible way out. Protect yourself. Your daughter needs to know to an extent what is going on, she is 17 and i think she will be relieved you are leaving this man.

Depends on the landlord's appetite for being drawn into this mess. What if he doesn't move out?

Imagine for a second you're that child. You grow up and wonder why no safe adult around you ever did something to help you in this awful situation, knowing full well how horrible it was for you. This child has been in the OP's life for over 4 years, it isn't a child she doesn't know on the other side of the world. I'm not saying she has to save the child at her own expense, btw. I just responded to the PP saying "not her problem".

In terms of the tenancy, if it is rolling (usually after you’ve had the current joint tenancy for a year) then one tenant can serve notice that they want the tenancy to end. He doesn’t need to agree. The landlord can then start a new tenancy with just you. I think given you were there first and it is your DD’s permanent residence and DP (STBXDP?) has a history of alcoholism then one might assume the LL would prefer to rent it to just you, rather than him. However there is no guarantee. LL could decide he doesn’t want to rent to either of you. It’s a risk, but hopefully not a large one.

If DP (not sure what to call him now) agrees, then it’s fairly straight forward I think. DP can serve a deed to surrender and LL can remove him from the tenancy. If he won’t go quietly, then you will need to serve notice to quit and technically you will both need to leave/be evicted, but if the LL has agreed to a new tenancy for just you then you don’t need to leave. It is more complicated. But doable. But be warned that is a dangerous period where he may become even more unhinged. You might want to think about how to protect yourself, your DD and your pets and belongings if you get to that stage.

Caveat: this is just from googling as I am not qualified to give housing advice. I am sure women’s aid will be an excellent source of advice.

Be strong sister!
💪

No, you chastised PP for rightly pointing out that it’s a separate issue. Get off your high horse.