DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar I do agree- I had to get crafty and plan when I got rid of someone very similar - I had the locks changed whilst he was away for a day ( in my case it was my house ) packed , paid for and put his stuff in a storeage unit and left key and unit number in a designated place. packed my stuff and went away for 3 weeks and did any communicating whilst I was away - realise this isn’t simple if kids involved etc - I wasn’t risking being around him whilst he was upset and furious because he had already shown some volatility, even if not physical abuse

He won’t be “beaten by an 18 month old stick” yet has no issue with acting like you are forever in his debt for the changes he has made in the past to get sober.

his only value is that he comes first. the rest is just manipulation and control.

The “woe is me” personality is classic alcoholism. They are very self-pitying.

Honestly, in your last posts he sounds deranged and utterly unhinged. Leaving a relationship is the most dangerous time for a woman so be careful.

But ultimately you have to save yourself before you can save the child.

Staying because of a child who isn’t yours and wrecking your own life means she isn’t going to be in a position to save this little girl. She needs out and then get authorities involved to help this child from a distance.

You're not afraid of him.

So...just dump him?

Spoken to the DV helpline and they have put me in touch with an IDVA, meeting them on Friday.

Thank you again for all the support.

I just want to reassure people who are very worried. He knows nothing of my plans etc, he is not an immediate threat and I do think with enough pressure he will leave. Ie. Legal standing on me ending the tenancy etc he will not want to lose face and I will absolutely become the ex who ‘was good as gold then massively changed and became a psycho’.

Once Iv met with the IDVA we can put a step by step plan together. I will wait to tell my DD until after then so it’s clearer on timescales etc.

For what it’s worth, it seems really clear now and I just feel silly for being in this situation, letting it get to this point, having some average man think he can express his demands like this.

well done! You are doing brilliantly.

these types are very cunning and many smart people get drawn in, no need to feel silly

He does sound terrifying, OP, I'm glad you're taking things carefully.

I said I don’t feel the same about him anymore since everything that happened and he got angry saying he will ‘not be beaten by a 18 month old stick’

If you say anything, just say you don't love him. There's no need to explain why not. In fact, there's no need to tell him anything if you don't feel like discussing your feelings. It's pointless anyway, since he's not at all interested in them.

I know you are probably anxious to "know the reason" for the changes in how you feel, but I promise you that at the moment it is very hard for you to pin down causes. So much has become normal to you that isn't. Once you are safely out of this "relationship" and enough water has gone under the bridge, you will start to realise all sorts of things in retrospect that make perfect sense of your strong desire to run a mile.

Thank fuck you posted here OP instead of suffering in silence. It just goes to show how important it is to listen to our instincts. Well done and good luck.

@Suffocatedlove fantastic update. Wishing you all the best.

Great update OP. And you are not at all silly. You’ve been like a frog in slow boiling water. If he’d have been like that from the start you never would have jumped in, but it’s been insidious with alcohol issues in the mix too.

You've put the first step forward so just keep on moving now

Don’t feel silly. You are a kind person and he manipulated you. It’s great that you’ve finally seen what’s actually going on. Well done on taking steps today to clear him out of your life. You’ve come a long way from “partner is great but I’m not that into him”. He is not great. He is unhinged.

I am sure you’ll get good advice on Friday and make a plan. I know you know him better than us internet strangers do and I hope very much he will just slink off quietly. If you do have any friends who could be on stand by between you telling him and him moving out (the shorter this period is, the better) then please have them ready to drop by at a moment’s notice if you sense anything is becoming unsafe. Some of his phrases are really disturbing. Please ensure you have a back up plan. Just in case.

Good luck. We’d love to hear how you get on, but there is no need to come back or share anything if you don’t wish to. It’s your life, not a soap opera, and MN posters are not entitled to updates. (I feel I have to add that as I’ve seen quite a few threads where the OP has been supported by other posters to open their eyes and end the relationship, only for people to demand updates or get quite snotty when the OP hasn’t done what they suggested! You have a responsibility to yourself and your DD and that is all).

Good luck sister.

@Suffocatedlove

Great plan! Just try not to raise his suspicions until you have your plan together.

Well done OP. Be strong! I don’t know how you can live with this man for 5 minutes, let alone have sex with him 🤮

@Suffocatedlove

Bloody well done!

I’m a psychologist therapist and I have just read all your updates, not all the responses obviously, but I grew more and more alarmed as you went along!! (Where was the 😱 or 😬 reaction when we need it?!)

I’m almost lost for words… (Images of a female wearing his mum’s nightgown, locked up in an attic to keep her ‘safe’ because he loves her so much!!)

No. No. NO!!!

I’m so glad you have taken the steps you have!! 👏🏻👏🏻👍🏻👍🏻

Absolutely get shot of him, please DON’T agree to be ‘friends’ - hold firm boundaries. Future you won’t regret it!

Once you’ve got him out a settle your feathers and can feel like you can breathe again, please do access some therapy, do the freedom programme, the online course is very affordable and really doesn’t take that long, but really helpful!

We would all love an update to know once you’re free and ok.

Good luck!! We’re all behind you!!

I went through exactly this with my ex partner & felt just like you do with yours currently…
I stayed, but as he started to lose control over me little by little his behaviour did escalate.
it ended with him being arrested for stalking, harassment and coercive control.
i would bet good money that your life will feel a whole lot more free, authentic and peaceful without him in it & im sending 💐💐💐x

Also this. Please don’t be hard on yourself, OP. It’s what you do now that matters!!

It sounds like when he's at his worst he makes you miserable, and when he's at his idea of his "best" he makes you miserable.

You are still young, get out and start building a life that you are happy to wake up to everyday.

This is a super plan @Suffocatedlove

Hugely well done.

What would happen if you called his bluff OP? Next time he says he doesn't deserve it, it's not fair blah blah... what if you said "yes I think you are right, you do deserve someone who loves you the way you want and you are right, I can't be that person."

The things that this man has said to you are utterly horrifying. I got chills reading what he said about locking you up together. I’m so glad you’re getting out and doing it safely. So impressed by you, keep going, you can do it!

You know what you need to do. You know this is not right or you wouldn't be posting. He seems to have transferred his alcohol addiction to being addicted to you. You don't like it now and you won't like it in 10 year's time.

He sounds absolutely deranged.
I really hope he does move out, but I don't think he will. I think you're going to have to do it the hard way.
Good luck OP 💐

Relationships can't be intense like this all the time.. that's his personality and addictive nature showing through.
I understand I would feel too suffocated by someone like this it's not a healthy way to be.
You don't owe him anything because he got sober he had to do that for himself and the fact he has a young daughter.
Make it clear to him .

Your poor daughter around that absolute freak.

Abusive, manipulative, controlling, sexually coercion.
He is a horror.
This is nothing like love.
This is pure control, nothing else.

You need advice on contacting the landlord to ask for the tenancy to be changed because he is abusive.
Did he nag you to change the tenancy?
Coercive control if he did.

This is one of the worst threads I've read.
I would look at getting therapy for your daughter and yourself, to work through the inevitable collateral damage of living with such a truly awful man.

Sorry you went through that and welll done on making him your ex.

and I could see this man being rhe same, there is clearly something very wrong with him indeed.

i had a similar problem when i was young, a teenage romance at 16 with an 18 year old for a few weeks, nothing more than teenage snogging. I ended it as he was so full on, there every single day, always wanting to me with me, looking at me wirh that moonstruck look, I got the serious ick and that was at 16.

He stalked me for 5 years after. 5 years. I was 21 when it stopped as I moved away . Turning up at my house, asking my parents to get me to go out with him, then telling him to leave, following me when he saw me, repeatdly asking me out. Turning up when I went on dates and sitting at the table next to us, sending me shit in the mail. It was just constant and insidious. We didn’t report, and I just tried to ignore him and pretend he wasn’t there. Often impossible, as he would get me alone and ask me to go out with him, like on my way to the loo in a restaurant, My parents didn’t know what to do about it and spoke to him a few times, his parents were deeply concerned and spoke to my best friend, but it went on and and on, he was obsessed.

as an adult I can see now he was mentally unwell.and I can only assume it’s rhe same for this man, he’s mentally unwell. As his behaviour is so utterly creepy and abusive. No respect for her boundaries, her welfare, just coercive control and the more she dislikes it, the more he will be getting off on it.punishing her emotionally, for not doing as he wishes, by doling out even more.