DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

But the poster was correct! It isn’t her problem. You’re saying to say that out loud is cold hearted. Therefore what? OP should view the DD as her problem? Sometimes we have to make cold hard practical decisions in self preservation. It is sad but OP needs to do what she needs to do. She cannot make the DD her problem because STBXDP will load enough guilt on her as it is.

Anyway yes, no more derailing. OP has hopefully spoken to someone at women’s aid and is not going to allow guilt for STBXDP or his DD’s plight stop her from making a plan. There is lots of good advice on here (and some less good!) regarding speaking to the LL about options and intentions, securing possessions, enlisting support of friends and generally getting ducks in a row before telling him he needs to leave. Loud and clear message. No discussion about his feelings needed. He can talk to a friend of a therapist if he needs to talk about his feelings. Awareness and plan for all the tricks he will try to use. I hope OP gets the resolution she needs.

It’s a shame about his DD nut unfortunately even being in this situation giving direct advice hasn’t helped so me staying will not help that either.

Trying to get hold of national abuse helpline but been on hold over an hour. Keeping on hold for now.

I spoke to him this morning on the phone and it’s more of the same stuff. He said he feels like an idiot pouring all his love into me not to have it reciprocated, that no one would think he is the ‘bad guy’ for how he is trying to love me. He can’t understand why I wouldn’t want a ‘good relationship’ and let him ‘lead in this’ I asked him directly whether he feels he should be able to ‘ask and get immediately’ he said ‘within reason, yes, why shouldn’t I have what I want, I am a good man’.

I said I don’t feel the same about him anymore since everything that happened and he got angry saying he will ‘not be beaten by a 18 month old stick’ and his actions have showed how much I mean to him and everyone would see that. Apparently Iv had 18 months to ‘get over everything that happened’. He did say that if I didn’t show him the love he feels he deserves then he ‘can’t be here anymore’ but I know that’s at a veiled threat to get me to back down.

He could not put a finger on what exactly he wants from me other than to just be obsessed with him. When I said that even if I do everything he asks it isn’t enough, he said he will ‘always want more’ and if he had his way ‘we would both be locked up together with no one or anything else around’ I told him that was ridiculous, he said that he makes a compromise in the life we have because that is what he really wants. He only see’s this as a good thing.

Exactly this.
Though he is ‘doing stuff’ for you, ultimately he is doing it to fulfill his own compulsion.

Run for the hills.

Your thread and especially most recent update are terrifying. Glad you are calling the abuse helpline, this man is dangerous. The locked up together line is only a small leap to "if I can't have you, no-one can"

Please get yourself and your DD away safely OP

He’s a dry drunk. He quit drinking without doing any of the emotional work, so
all the stuff that led him to addiction is still present.

Alcoholics lie and coerce and control in order to keep feeding their addiction, now he uses the same behaviours to keep you where he wants you.

https://alcohol.org/alcoholism/dry-drunk/

OP, this man has serious mental health issues. it’s not surprising given the upbringing he had, but that’s not your problem. I can guarantee you once he accepts it’s over between you he will transfer his obsession to the next one. His need isn’t for you. His need is to fill a void inside of him. That could be filled by anyone, it’s just you at the moment. I hope women’s aid can help guide you in the right direction and you can free yourself from this man. It will be tough initially, but the freedom and happiness that awaits you will be worth it.

"he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’"
He's swapping one addiction (alcohol) for another. This is something he should address in AA or whatever groups he goes to. It's a well-known thing when people get sober.

This is very dangerous-
“When I said that even if I do everything he asks it isn’t enough, he said he will ‘always want more’ and if he had his way ‘we would both be locked up together with no one or anything else around’ “

Please make plans with women’s aid and the police. Do you have anything in writing that shows his obsession? Multiple texts, coercion in text etc? You need to screen shot them, send them somewhere safe and show them to police/DV support group.

'yes, why shouldn’t I have what I want, I am a good man’.

This is chilling. And clearly he is not a good man.

You’re doing everything right. This is the start of a much better life for you and your DD. Although he is unlikely to go quietly. He is trying to unsettle your thoughts and make you doubt yourself: no one would think…. Bla bla bla. Who cares? It’s what YOU think that matters. It doesn’t matter what he thinks other people will think. Or not think. Don’t even get into a discussion about whether he is a good man. You don’t need to convince him he isn’t. You don’t need him to see your pov. It is irrelevant what he believes. You don’t want to be in a relationship with him and you don’t love him. It’s that simple. He can’t persuade you you’re wrong. Anything he says is just noise. Don’t engage.

Can you get a friend to stay over? I’m a bit worried about his entitlement to you and his mention of locking you both away. Normal people do not say stuff like that! I know you’ve felt sorry for (but not threatened by) him, but people with that level of entitlement to another person can turn nasty very unexpectedly. I don’t want to be reading about you in the news! Sorry, I don’t want to worry you unnecessarily but I really would think about some additional steps to protect yourself over the next few days. Starting today.

He seems to be more concerned about what everyone will think than about what you want. Hopefully this means he will be disinclined to try anything rash. Stay strong, keep calling his bluff that 'he can't be here anymore' if you don't show him the love he feels he deserves.

"if he had his way ‘we would both be locked up together with no one or anything else around’

Jesus, I got the cold shivers from this.

I hope, as PP said, that the fear of what others will say will prevent him from attacking you and/or your daughter when he realizes you are serious about ending the relationship.

But I am really worried for you.

I feel suffocated just reading your updates. This is so far from what a healthy relationship is. I agree he has just swapped one addiction for another. His expectations of you wanting to be “obsessed” with him and him with you are so odd, you aren’t 13 years old! A healthy relationship with love and respect are not the same as an obsession or being a sex pest! I think if he can’t recognise that how he is being is suffocating you and isn’t willing to address his issues then you will have no choice but to end the relationship.

Don't try to reason with him OP.

You don't owe him anything. You don't need to justify yourself. You have delivered the message, you don't have to explain any further.

It's over. Focus on the safest way to leave.

So his ideal relationship is to have you boxed in with him and suffocated. Terrifying.

He is deranged.

Yeah - he's got 'nice guy' syndrome,

A pattern where men hide their true selves and prioritize pleasing others—particularly in relationships—to gain validation, often leading to resentment, anxiety, and inauthentic connections. It stems from a fear of rejection and the belief that being "nice" entitles them to love or sexual rewards, rather than being genuinely kind.

jeez, this wanker sounds unhinged and actually dangerous. Be careful OP.

I don't think you should try reasoning with him either, OP, because he is not a reasonable person. He knows how you feel and he doesn't care. He only cares about how he feels and that makes him very dangerous.

I think, as many others have suggested, that you work out how to end things safely and perhaps use the 'grey rock' technique until you can get rid of him. Just don't engage with him, because it will never lead anywhere useful.

You could keep repeating that you feel unwell and don't want to get into any major discussions - and then leave, or get him to leave when it is safe to do so.

Good luck - it will be worth all the hassle once he's out of your life!

Abusers like to say 'everyone else thinks'. It's a tactic to make you feel like you are overreacting to their bad behaviour. And to make you feel you won't be believed if you tell others about it.

I can't even count the red flags in that. My God. Run.

Honestly he sounds a few steps away from kidnapping you. Please, think of him as more dangerous than you currently do - you’re used to his ways so you might not see it clearly. Don’t take unnecessary risks and assume that he is capable of hurting you.

“ZorbaTheHoarder · Today 13:31
I don't think you should try reasoning with him either, OP, because he is not a reasonable person. He knows how you feel and he doesn't care. He only cares about how he feels and that makes him very dangerous.
I think, as many others have suggested, that you work out how to end things safely and perhaps use the 'grey rock' technique until you can get rid of him. Just don't engage with him, because it will never lead anywhere useful.
You could keep repeating that you feel unwell and don't want to get into any major discussions - and then leave, or get him to leave when it is safe to do so.
Good luck - it will be worth all the hassle once he's out of your life!”

This is excellent advice from @ZorbaTheHoarder. It reads that you’re trying to rush things now you are seeing more clearly but this is actually a particularly dangerous time. Avoid intense discussions that could clue him into your thinking and lead to you having to finish it/leave without having prepared safely. Use the grey rock; say you’re ill / stressed with work; try to avoid unhelpful debates.