DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

From what OP has said about STBXDP, there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell he will surrender quietly. So I agree with PPs that OP should get more ducks in a row, i.e. not rush into anything this weekend.

I think you need to plan this.

Not react in haste.

Not all these plans may be necessary but 1) if they are, then you won't be flailing around reacting on the fly and 2) having plans for every eventuality can help steady you mentally. Help keep you strong.

See what Women's Advice say and listen strongly to them.

1. Remove vital paperwork and irreplaceable sentimental items from your home and store them with a friend for safe keeping.

2. Honestly with this guy I would speak to the non-emergency police and ask their opinion. The more you say, the clearer it is that this man is extremely emotionally unstable, he's owed what he wants (in his opinion) and people like that, when faced with a firm No, can be dangerous. Please do not underestimate your situation.

3. Speak to Paladin the anti-stalking charity ahead of time. It might not be necessary, but better to be prepared now than later. This guy really is obsessed with you; he gave up alcohol not for himself, but for you, so that he can possess you.

4) Speak to your landlord, explain the situation and see if / how far he will help you with the tenancy before you speak to your partner.

5. let a couple of large male friends know and frankly, I'd have them in the house at the time you tell him, and Id see if they could stay overnight.

6. let work know.

7. when you tell him he's going to put all the pressure in the world on you. All of it. You need to stay strong and you need to plan ahead of time how you're going to handle it. It's wise not to get drawn into argument btw.

He will probably go through disbelief, anger, self pity, more anger, refusal, manipulation (he's excellent at manipulating isn't he?) and more anger. It's the anger that's the scary thing here.

Really, in these circumstances I think you'd be best off ensuring he packs and leaves right there and then and then you have new locks ready and install them. if that is in any way possible, but it might not be. Would he have a place to stay? * *

I think I mentioned that I've had semi-professional dealings with people with this level of instability and sometimes violence has happened, including from people you'd never ever expect it from. His intensity is a bad sign, @Suffocatedlove Once someone who's that intense and that emotionally unstable and without any moral code to hold them back, breaks, it can get nasty.

Yes. And also the assumption that someone "owes" you love because (a) you "love" them and (b) you have changed tactics. No one has the right to insist on how someone else should feel.

OP, feelings change over time, for many reasons outside our control, and that is perfectly normal and healthy. Anyone who loved you would respect that.

What would you have her do though? What power does she have to do anything? She does need to remove this man from her life. She cannot remove him and not the DD. The DD is too young to swap numbers or visit OP herself. So I’m not sure you saying “oh I couldn’t be so cold hearted” is particularly helpful. Is it cold hearted? She has two choices: remove man and his DD from her home or keep them both. I agree it is sad for the DD. Her parents sound really shit. But it should not be a factor in the decision OP needs to make. Her first responsibility is to herself and her own DD. That doesn’t make her callous or cold hearted. I think her ex will lay enough emotional guilt tripping on her himself without you adding more on top. Not helpful.

Absolutely agree with this.

Chastised, really? I said I couldn't be that cold hearted, does that count as chastising someone?

Yes.

I was saying to the PP saying it isn't the OP's problem that I found her comment cold hearted. I haven't got a clue what to do in the OP's shoes and I haven't commented on or judged her decisions.

Obviously yes.

Yes, as I said, it was PP you were chastising.

The message you quoted from me here wasn't directed at you, it is in response to @BustyLaRoux who thinks I was telling the OP that I found her cold hearted. I wasn't. I was telling the PP saying it isn't her problem that I found their comment cold hearted.

Also, quick recap of that conversation:
Me: I fear for his DD, poor child
PP: Not relevant to the OP's problem
Me: I couldn't be this cold hearted (and ignore the child's plight)

Then you and other PPs telling me off 😜

@SquishySquashyWishyWashywell it sounds like you are guilt tripping a woman who is on the cusp of leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, which is pretty cold hearted if you ask me, especially when she is clearly vulnerable to emotional manipulation since that’s how her partner has been controlling her.

No, @BustyLaRoux didn't say you thought OP was cold-hearted. She was expounding a hypothetical to drive home the point that it's a separate issue. You seem incapable of understanding this.

@Suffocatedlove good luck today.

It's so sad he's on the tenancy. He's done a number on you. I hope you're both free from him soon.

Yes, we get it, you're amazing 🙄

But I wasn't manipulating the OP at all, I agree with the fact she has to get out of this abusive situation regardless of the partner's DD. I only stated I fear for the child, and I found the PP saying "not OP's problem" cold. I have never entertain the idea or try and guilt trip the OP into staying for the child, just said I don't think saying "not her problem" shows any humanity towards her.

Could we perhaps leave that disagreement here? I think the thread needs to stay clear and focused for @Suffocatedlove

Can people stop with the derailing.

It's all so black and white, isn't it. I can't mention feeling empathetic towards the child without being accused of chastising others or guilt tripping the OP.

👆 This is exactly why I don't agree that this sub-discussion is "derailing", but the point has been made so I won't post any further on it.

He sounds batshit. And abusive. All this is designed to wear you down and drive you nuts. So that you don't leave him. He also appears to be telling you it's an act.

Never ever stay with men you think will name it difficult if you try to leave them. Let alone if they have form for it.

“ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · Today 10:35
I think you need to plan this.
Not react in haste.
Not all these plans may be necessary but 1) if they are, then you won't be flailing around reacting on the fly and 2) having plans for every eventuality can help steady you mentally. Help keep you strong.
See what Women's Advice say and listen strongly to them.
Remove vital paperwork and irreplaceable sentimental items from your home and store them with a friend for safe keeping.
Honestly with this guy I would speak to the non-emergency police and ask their opinion. The more you say, the clearer it is that this man is extremely emotionally unstable, he's owed what he wants (in his opinion) and people like that, when faced with a firm No, can be dangerous. Please do not underestimate your situation.
Speak to Paladin the anti-stalking charity ahead of time. It might not be necessary, but better to be prepared now than later. This guy really is obsessed with you; he gave up alcohol not for himself, but for you, so that he can possess you.
4) Speak to your landlord, explain the situation and see if / how far he will help you with the tenancy before you speak to your partner.
let a couple of large male friends know and frankly, I'd have them in the house at the time you tell him, and Id see if they could stay overnight.
let work know.
when you tell him he's going to put all the pressure in the world on you. All of it. You need to stay strong and you need to plan ahead of time how you're going to handle it. It's wise not to get drawn into argument btw.
He will probably go through disbelief, anger, self pity, more anger, refusal, manipulation (he's excellent at manipulating isn't he?) and more anger. It's the anger that's the scary thing here.
Really, in these circumstances I think you'd be best off ensuring he packs and leaves right there and then and then you have new locks ready and install them. if that is in any way possible, but it might not be. Would he have a place to stay? * *
I think I mentioned that I've had semi-professional dealings with people with this level of instability and sometimes violence has happened, including from people you'd never ever expect it from. His intensity is a bad sign, ** Once someone who's that intense and that emotionally unstable and without any moral code to hold them back, breaks, it can get nasty.”

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar has nailed it. This with absolute bells on. Your wish to jettison him from your life ASAP is totally understandable but you really need to plan this carefully. A delay of a week or 2 (or even a month) while you put arrangements in place will not be significant in the long run. He will make trouble whatever happens but the fallout if you do this chaotically is likely to be considerably worse.

Sounds like he has an addictive personality. He's swopped the alcohol addiction to addiction for you. He needs therapy.

@Suffocatedlove maybe it would be a good idea to talk to your daughter about it before she goes .
So she knows your planning ending things and if there is an atmosphere she will understand why . She doesn’t need to worry that way . She is old enough to understand.

Id also call the police for a welfare check if he threatens suicide( they never do it ) it also means he has to be accountable for his words/thrreats