DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

Exactly this.

Does he think he has kicked the alcohol completely then if he no longer sees an alcohol counsellor?. Yet another reason to send this man packing frankly.

I am also wondering if you have mistaken love here for codependency.

Would you want your DD to be in a relationship with someone similar to this man?. No you would not and you would want better for her. Your boundaries here, perhaps harmed anyway by previous poor relationships and or life experiences, are being further eroded by this man now.

That’s the man without the drink who was there all the time. He’s swapped one addiction for another: you

He doesn't sound perfect at all, he sounds terrifying!

I'm always amazed what people will put up with. OP, this is your home. He's pestering you for sex. You are his new addiction. He has a terrible family. He persuaded you to give him a second chance and you did, but it doesn't mean you have to stick with that for the rest of your life.

can you explain what this is please?

He lives in your home. Is he named on a mortgage or tenancy agreement?.

Far from perfect, kick him to the kerb and move on.

What should you do?
RUN

This is a pathologicical liar and fantasist
You have to be the object of his fantasy, not real flesh and blood
These types of men can be very dangerous and vindictive if they dont get what they want

Make plans to end it/ get out
Be very careful

I would quietly go to the Police and do a Claires Law request.

I couldnt live like this another second. End it. Dont feel guilty. You dont owe him a thing. If anything you helped him through a dark phase. Set him free to find someone who can match his energy. However you want to word it. Just end it.

I would come out of this relationship very, very carefully. Also, wondering what he would do if you tried to recover some autonomy and actually took some time for yourself but, saying that, I am not sure you could take the risk and would it be worth it anyway. I would just end it really, this isn't going to resolve itself and he doesn't seem to have any insight into how it's making you feel.

How did you end it? Did anything happen?

did you feel bad?

I don’t think I do. I care about him. I am proud of his achievements but whenever I tell him I love him out loud, inside my head screams ‘no you don’t’

Do you mean the congruence part? It's really a fancy way of saying he is not being true to himself. It's something that other people feel but often can't put their finger on why something doesn't feel quite right about a person. It's the gap between who someone really is inside (their "true self") and the way they behave. So in this case, the OP's partner has decided he will be "perfect partner" and is following the script of what he thinks that the perfect partner should look like. There are several problems with this and one of them is that it's not actually who he is "underneath". He's masking, in other words.

This is interesting as Iv seen him with other relationships, work colleagues etc in what I appear to be transactional relationships.

He very much feels he has ‘done everything right so why am I not obsessed with him’

Then you have your answer. I know it will be hard to break up with him but you are not responsible for his sobriety. He may relapse, he may not but your can't stay with him forever to stop him from drinking. Sorry OP - this must be so tough, especially as he has a kid. How does his DD split her time between your house and his Ex?

You brought an alcoholic into your DD's life.
It's great he sobered up but it sounds like you don't like him anymore and still haven't forgiven him. He should stay sober for himself and his own child. It's probably time to end the relationship. In the future don't move in men with you and your daughter. Like, wtf!

Unfortunately yes he is on the tennancy agreement and ‘pays half the rent’ as in he gives me half of the household bills etc

But to be clear, I out earn him and was a single mum for 2 years before he came along and am perfectly capable of running things myself here. The money he gives me does help (of course) but I try to save as much as I can of it.

Is he trying to get you pregnant to trap you? Listen to what your inner voice is shouting and act on it.

You have a choice, bluntly: live like this, to his demands, for the rest of your life, or end it.

You're going to feel bad either way, either long term or short term.

But as it happens you shouldn't feel bad for ending it. because you are not hurting him needlessly. You are saving yourself. Otherwise, if you are mouthing an 'I love you' while screaming inside 'no I don't' you're going to end up a false little wooden puppet in his play for the rest of the time you're with him.

This situation is terrible for you and bad for him. You can't help him at this point - maybe never. He needs more help than you can give. And you need to save yourself.

This.

Also, if he's working in a successful business then how come he's pestering you for sex every morning after you've done the school run?!

In the last few months I have ‘thrown caution to the wind’ so to speak and purposely booked extra work in, time away with my DD etc, he sulks and makes a lot of comments about how he wants to be my priority, loads of sexual stuff being text the time I am away, then the questions, why are you not texting back? Have I done something wrong? It asks me loads of questions to try and make sure I reply.

I can and do ignore him but he just goes on. It’s more annoying that anything. That being said I do toe a line a bit, I don’t do absolutely everything I want to do. For example, if I booked the day off work to just lay around watching tv, doing face masks etc, he would also book the day off to ‘be around me’ or would rush home from work to finish early because ‘you are at home waiting for me’ I’m not

The ‘performing of the relationship’ makes me wonder about neurodivergence. ND people sometimes self medicate to manage their discomfort.

Whatever the reason, this is bad for you. I would carefully plan a way out. Speak to landlord about tenancy, or move out yourself. But I would do it carefully as he is displaying controlling behaviour.

Are you having sex you don’t want, to keep him off your back?

There's a difference between hurting someone when there is no other reasonable choice and hurting them needlessly. This is in the first category. His attachment to you is profoundly unhealthy and bad for you both. Hes looking to you to be his salvation and that's deeply impossible, and he's smothering you.

My skin would be crawling at his demands for sexting and sex by now.

Absolutely none of this sounds ‘perfect’. Why are you trying to convince yourself that this awful relationship is anything else?