Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

579 replies

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 08:57

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

OP posts:
Hibernationistheplan · 10/02/2026 09:00

But he’s not perfect is he. He doesn’t give a damn about what you want or need, just what he thinks the relationship should be. You don’t have to continue the relationship if it’s not working for you.

LittleCrumblyBiscuit · 10/02/2026 09:00

You can end a relationship for any reason you want. No matter what changes he’s made or effort he’s put in, you are unhappy and it’s not working for you. You’re trying to tell him this and he’s not listening is he?

Isadora2007 · 10/02/2026 09:02

End it. He sounds like he has his own issues with self worth and insecurity and is clingy and obsessive which are not attractive qualities. You don’t owe him a relationship.

CamillaMcCauley · 10/02/2026 09:03

Often when someone beats one addiction, they just transfer the addictive behaviour to a new object. Sounds like you’re the new object.

Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep · 10/02/2026 09:03

He is needy and pestering you for sex this isn’t perfect. I think you have a very low bar when it comes to relationships.

BoredZelda · 10/02/2026 09:04

Seems he’s swapped one addiction for another. A man who insists you devote all your time to him instead of doing the job that pays the bills is far from perfect.

If you’re not happy in the relationship then end it.

Figcherry · 10/02/2026 09:06

Addicts have addictive personalities.
He's changed one addiction for another.

Sunflower3000 · 10/02/2026 09:06

You get him to move out. He’s not respecting your boundaries, or that you have a life that’s not just about him. He seems to be treating you as his next addiction tbh, and clearly has no healthy way of regulating his own emotions. He has to stand on his own two feet, but is using you/the relationship as a crutch or outlet for the overwhelming feelings he has, and that’s just not fair on you. He needs to grow up. But I suspect, when you do get him to move out, he’ll go back to drinking. That’s not your fault or responsibility.

DeQuin · 10/02/2026 09:06

You are reacting to a lack of congruence (in the psychological sense) on his part. He is following a script and wants you to follow the script that he has set for you. It's not healthy. Get out.

Original poster
Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 09:08

Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep · 10/02/2026 09:03

He is needy and pestering you for sex this isn’t perfect. I think you have a very low bar when it comes to relationships.

He is very clear he wants sex and sexual talk to be a ‘big part of our relationship’ so constantly is trying to engage in sexting during the day and I’m so bored if it

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 10/02/2026 09:08

He has transferred his addiction from the alcohol to you and now he's suffocating you with his love.

Perfect?
Not even in inverted comma -❌️❌️❌️

financialcareerstuff · 10/02/2026 09:08

It sounds like he has transferred some kind of obsessiveness with alcohol to obsessiveness with you- but it’s not really about you- it’s some weird projected image he wants to believe in of having amazing love and being an amazing husband that has nothing to do with actually seeing you and loving who you actually are? How does he deal with your ‘imperfections’ or respond to what you tell him you really want? (Eg not to get back into bed but go on a walk on your own..?)

Good for him for turning around the drinking but you don’t owe him anything. He put you through hell. Great now he’s just making you miserable by being obsessive and clawing instead of drunk…. Honestly, it sounds like he has gone back to overcoming in a way…. I am a little worried about what will be next? None of it sounds just normal and balanced.

OP you don’t have to be in any relationship you don’t want to be in.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/02/2026 09:09

He has swapped one addiction for another - you. You should have finished it with him when you discovered his alcoholism.

Clingy and intense bordering on obsessive - no, no and no. He needs to be gone from your home. Would you want your DD as an adult to be in a relationship with someone like him?. What is she learning about relationships from the two of you?.

You do not owe him anything here and now, let alone a relationship.

bitterexwife · 10/02/2026 09:10

It’s because he’s an addict - he’s trying to gain that feeling alcohol gave him from you.
is he working an AA programme? If so, doesn’t sound like he’s doing a good job.

2026Y · 10/02/2026 09:10

CamillaMcCauley · 10/02/2026 09:03

Often when someone beats one addiction, they just transfer the addictive behaviour to a new object. Sounds like you’re the new object.

Came to say exactly this. You’re the new booze OP.

Has he had therapy? There’s something called a ‘dry drunk’ which is someone who in AA parlance, has not ‘done the work’. If he hasn’t addressed the reasons why he drank he is not recovered, he’s a dry drunk who is obsessing about his relationship instead of hitting the bottle.

Skybunnee · 10/02/2026 09:11

He is not being normal - he needs counselling to see that what he is doing is unfair and smothering. I that fails he leaves.

2026Y · 10/02/2026 09:12

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 09:08

He is very clear he wants sex and sexual talk to be a ‘big part of our relationship’ so constantly is trying to engage in sexting during the day and I’m so bored if it

Show quote history

It’s dopamine seeking behaviour. Sex / alcohol, it does the same thing to his brain.

greencheetah · 10/02/2026 09:13

I’m feeling ill and suffocated just reading this.

It really is OK to tell him to leave if you aren’t happy. I would rather be single. 💐

Nicecatneighbour · 10/02/2026 09:15

It's all very much about him and his needs, isnt it.
Not at all good for your wellbeing or happiness. You're his support human and sounds like you have the ick, which is terminal. It's time for him to go.

CuriousKangaroo · 10/02/2026 09:16

You don’t need anyone’s permission - nor even any specific reason - to end a relationship that is not making you happy. The fact that it is not making you happy is reason enough.

But if it helps, like you I would find his behaviour suffocating.

Original poster
Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 09:22

It is interesting about the swap from alcohol to me. He has always been quite intense, hence my thoughts about love bombing in the beginning.

He did work with an alcohol counsellor but only for a little while then stopped that as he felt he didn’t need it anymore.

if I ‘reject’ him he just thinks I don’t love him and that’s I am ‘punishing him’

OP posts:
2026Y · 10/02/2026 09:25

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 09:22

It is interesting about the swap from alcohol to me. He has always been quite intense, hence my thoughts about love bombing in the beginning.

He did work with an alcohol counsellor but only for a little while then stopped that as he felt he didn’t need it anymore.

if I ‘reject’ him he just thinks I don’t love him and that’s I am ‘punishing him’

He sounds like an emotionally unstable person I am afraid. It's obviously not great for him because he can't escape himself but to be frank, you don't need to have this kind of drama in your life. Do you love him?

Dexy7655 · 10/02/2026 09:26

This sounds horrible. I had a bf a bit like this once, the need was screaming out of his every pore. I dumped him. He was absolutely gutted and laid on the emotional blackmail but amy desire had, luckily, completely switched off by this point.

Makes me shudder to look back at it.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 10/02/2026 09:27

He is manipulative and controlling.
He is not interested in making you happy.

He is transactional and doesn’t recognise your autonomy, he thinks he’s paying his tokens in and he should get devotion and sex back.

This isn’t perfect, he hasn’t done everything right. You need therapy to help you prioritise your value, needs, above his.

Are you able to live independently without his income? Can he house himself and DC without you?

TokyoSushi · 10/02/2026 09:28

Oh no OP, I'd carefully come out of this relationship.