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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

579 replies

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 08:57

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

OP posts:
crumpet · 10/02/2026 10:19

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 10:05

They are his words not mine. And I almost wishes he hadn’t to make it easier to leave him.

he will never see it like that. He is clear that his ‘obsession’ with me, again his actual words, are a good thing

Show quote history

The point is though that his views on life should not factor into decisions you are making - you need to focus on what is good for you, and what you want for you, not him. If you do separate he will not longer be part of your life and his opinions will be irrelevant to you.

CrazyCatMam · 10/02/2026 10:19

Yuck. You need to get rid of him - now!

I wonder if Women's Aid has advice on ending a relationship with a potentially difficult partner? Whether you realise it or not he is manipulative and emotionally abusive. He's gas-lighting you when he's making you doubt your sex drive to the point you make a note of it to.

He won't go quietly. Do you have any support in real life? Someone who can see through him and will take your side?

Original poster
Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 10:20

Dinnaeeatallthecheese · 10/02/2026 10:18

Thats not" perfect"
Its the baseline
Did you have an absent father ? @Suffocatedlove

Often women who have absent fathers either physically or emotionally put men on a pedestal in an attempt to heal their own childhood trauma

Show quote history

Strangely I do have an absent father.

And my DD’s father was emotionally unavailable, never wanted to spend any time with us at all, worked (and played) away a lot etc

OP posts:
Cheekycoffee · 10/02/2026 10:21

she came to me and told me how awful it was for her, it’s something that plays over in my head a lot.

and yet he remains in her home

Original poster
Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 10:22

CrazyCatMam · 10/02/2026 10:19

Yuck. You need to get rid of him - now!

I wonder if Women's Aid has advice on ending a relationship with a potentially difficult partner? Whether you realise it or not he is manipulative and emotionally abusive. He's gas-lighting you when he's making you doubt your sex drive to the point you make a note of it to.

He won't go quietly. Do you have any support in real life? Someone who can see through him and will take your side?

Not really. My friends hate him because of what he did when drinking. We now just don’t talk about him. Other family barely know him and dont know about his drinking etc so are cordial to him etc

OP posts:
Dinnaeeatallthecheese · 10/02/2026 10:23

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 10:20

Strangely I do have an absent father.

And my DD’s father was emotionally unavailable, never wanted to spend any time with us at all, worked (and played) away a lot etc

Show quote history

Its not strange at all
You are a sitting duck for these types of men
Once you have got rid of him, please do the Freedom programme and counselling to explore this

Cheekycoffee · 10/02/2026 10:25

Your teen daughter came to you and explicitly told her how unhappy she had felt with him living there during those hellish months when he had been drunk and caused such insane drama and chaos. You felt bad but did nothing to change her living environment.

@Suffocatedlove you have prioritised him every step of the way. FGS start prioritising your two children

Mix56 · 10/02/2026 10:25

This is suffocating.
Have you told him that he is destroying /has already destroyed the relationship?
With constant “full on” bollox.
Pushing for sex ad nauseam
asphyxiating your every moment.
Allowing you no personal time. to the point of taking extra work to avoid him.
If he imagines this relationship can survive he needs to return to therapy & understand that his addiction to alcohol, has simply become an addiction to sex/you
Its not healthy, It is at a point of rupture. He addresses it or he is gone.
& when he comes back with “”Ive made all these changes, Im so much better….”
Compared to a drunken failure, he could realistically only go up.
But the improvement needs to be for him, not throttle the last breath out of you

99bottlesofkombucha · 10/02/2026 10:26

His opinion isn’t reality you know. He thinks being obsessed with you is great, you need to sit down and say I don’t think it’s healthy to be obsessed with someone. There are lots of great relationships out there with no obsession involved. That’s what I want. You need to stop telling me how you feel is right and how I feel is wrong, and instead think if you can live with someone who feels differently to you.
if he throws getting sober at you as a reason that you owe him you snap you bloody well should have done it years ago for your daughter and it’s disgusting you don’t recognise that, you can never go back and give her those years with her dad.

Original poster
Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 10:26

Dinnaeeatallthecheese · 10/02/2026 10:23

Its not strange at all
You are a sitting duck for these types of men
Once you have got rid of him, please do the Freedom programme and counselling to explore this

Show quote history

😕 I have sleepwalked in to this. At the time I gave him another chance I so wanted it to all be ok and in a lot of ways it is (compared) but this is horrible tbh.

It’s his constant need for attention and validation, I have said to him before he is a bottomless pit of needing reassurance. He just said I am being horrible to him if I say this

OP posts:
Schmojoe · 10/02/2026 10:27

He doesn’t understand that what he wants (the sexual nagging, the intensity, the obsessiveness) is not what you want, and that your wants are just as important as his. His addictive tendencies have turned to a new outlet, but his wishes don’t trump yours. Explain all this to him. If he can change so that you can both compromise and meet halfway, great. If he can’t, why stay in a relationship that is making you miserable?

Original poster
Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 10:28

Cheekycoffee · 10/02/2026 10:25

Your teen daughter came to you and explicitly told her how unhappy she had felt with him living there during those hellish months when he had been drunk and caused such insane drama and chaos. You felt bad but did nothing to change her living environment.

@Suffocatedlove you have prioritised him every step of the way. FGS start prioritising your two children

There is no chaos anymore as there was before. I didn’t realise she had been witness to so much before. I wanted to save him for us all to be ok again but I do regret that.

OP posts:
Mangelwurzelfortea · 10/02/2026 10:28

Your friends hate him, your family hates him, your daughter hates him and you don't love him. There is no reason to be with this guy and multiple reasons to NOT be with him. Plus he'll probably go back to drinking at some point, most alcoholics do.

Happyjoe · 10/02/2026 10:28

It sounds suffocating for sure, and he's not listening to you which is a big no for me. He's too much, the sex demands too much, he's making you feel guilty for no fault of your own. Him helping with bills, household etc, that's just what I consider normal, it's not something that needs rewarding by intensity and a ton of sex that he seems to desire. Couldn't think of a more massive turn off, being pestered to be honest.

He doesn't sound great, not really. He has the hallmarks of someone who's not going to let go easily either, so if you do decide to split up, make sure you're ok and change the locks.

Dinnaeeatallthecheese · 10/02/2026 10:29

Mix56 · 10/02/2026 10:25

This is suffocating.
Have you told him that he is destroying /has already destroyed the relationship?
With constant “full on” bollox.
Pushing for sex ad nauseam
asphyxiating your every moment.
Allowing you no personal time. to the point of taking extra work to avoid him.
If he imagines this relationship can survive he needs to return to therapy & understand that his addiction to alcohol, has simply become an addiction to sex/you
Its not healthy, It is at a point of rupture. He addresses it or he is gone.
& when he comes back with “”Ive made all these changes, Im so much better….”
Compared to a drunken failure, he could realistically only go up.
But the improvement needs to be for him, not throttle the last breath out of you

No the Op just needs to end it
He is not going to change

Cheekycoffee · 10/02/2026 10:29

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 10:28

There is no chaos anymore as there was before. I didn’t realise she had been witness to so much before. I wanted to save him for us all to be ok again but I do regret that.

Show quote history

But once she’d told you how much that horrific time had impacted her - you needed to have acted. You didn’t.

Can you not see that neither child will remotely want him there and likely never have.

FeedingPidgeons · 10/02/2026 10:29

"Loan sharking"

It's what manipulative people do, to force favours on you so that you feel obliged to let them stomp over your boundaries.

He is not perfect, quite the opposite.

Original poster
Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 10:31

Mix56 · 10/02/2026 10:25

This is suffocating.
Have you told him that he is destroying /has already destroyed the relationship?
With constant “full on” bollox.
Pushing for sex ad nauseam
asphyxiating your every moment.
Allowing you no personal time. to the point of taking extra work to avoid him.
If he imagines this relationship can survive he needs to return to therapy & understand that his addiction to alcohol, has simply become an addiction to sex/you
Its not healthy, It is at a point of rupture. He addresses it or he is gone.
& when he comes back with “”Ive made all these changes, Im so much better….”
Compared to a drunken failure, he could realistically only go up.
But the improvement needs to be for him, not throttle the last breath out of you

I have, recently we had a 6 hour conversation about this - he loves to talk. He just says ridiculous things like ‘maybe I’ll just go camping in the woods alone to give you time to yourself’ or he will give examples of how he hadn’t drained my time.

But a day or so later he comes to me and says ‘I am so pleased with our conversation, the way you admitted you are neglecting me, the way you promised to do more to make time together is so refreshing’

im like what?????? I didn’t say that?

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 10/02/2026 10:31

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 10:22

Not really. My friends hate him because of what he did when drinking. We now just don’t talk about him. Other family barely know him and dont know about his drinking etc so are cordial to him etc

Show quote history

Your friends hate him for what he did, yet they don’t even need to live with him. Gather your supporters. Line up your ducks- including women’s aid- and get this sorted out.

Caniweartheseones · 10/02/2026 10:33

He definitely has issues and has stayed with the narcissistic and addictive tendencies but supposedly “working out what you want” in a sort of gaslighting way: “well you wanted this!”

MissSpindle · 10/02/2026 10:34

CamillaMcCauley · 10/02/2026 09:03

Often when someone beats one addiction, they just transfer the addictive behaviour to a new object. Sounds like you’re the new object.

Bingo.

canisquaeso · 10/02/2026 10:38

Just because he went through the motions of recovery, it doesn’t mean that you have to stay with him.

Especially if he’s sober personality is just as off putting.

Dinnaeeatallthecheese · 10/02/2026 10:38

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 10:26

😕 I have sleepwalked in to this. At the time I gave him another chance I so wanted it to all be ok and in a lot of ways it is (compared) but this is horrible tbh.

It’s his constant need for attention and validation, I have said to him before he is a bottomless pit of needing reassurance. He just said I am being horrible to him if I say this

Show quote history

Please dont blame yourself

We are " programmed" for want of a better word, by our childhood relationships with our parents
An absent father creates a yearning need for a child and seeking out people who create the same feelings.
You end up a rescuer and people pleaser with poor boundaries.
Once you know this though you can seek help
You have recognised this man is not for you and you feel uncomfortable with his behaviour and have reached out to us here.
Good first step, please dont berate yourself.

MissSpindle · 10/02/2026 10:38

Suffocatedlove · 10/02/2026 10:12

I suppose I meant ‘perfect’ in terms of all the things a lot of women want their man to do, help around the house, put money in, spend time with them etc

Show quote history

Yes but the fact that he is a sex pest and an obsessive weirdo overules all of the "perfect" things he does by miles.

AmbiguityIsKey · 10/02/2026 10:38

He doesn’t sound perfect at all. Gift giving can be used as a form of control, it’s not always benign. Your gut is telling you this, which is why it feels wrong to you. There are lots of articles about gift giving as control if you do a quick google.

He sounds absolutely suffocating and is trying to trick you into doubting yourself by claiming to be perfect.