DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

Holy Fuck!!!
He is an expert manipulator!!

🤢🤢🤢🤢bleugh
i thought you promised to go camping as that was the only way you could think of to give me some fucking space

I don’t think you’re getting anywhere here with him op. I think you need to just call it.

I’d second others and suggest finding a way out of the relationship based on everything you’ve said, but if you wanted to try and make it work then I’d recommend having the conversation (hopefully not for six hours again!!) and at the end of it agree of some actionable plans for how you’ll behave going forward - and most importantly WRITE THEM DOWN!

I can’t handle having conversations where the other person rewrites them the next day, but if you really want to give it a shot then start with having a written agreement in clear black and white that he can’t redo in his imagination/memory.

Good luck OP, this sounds like a tough situation to live with.

You're neglecting him? That's the only thing he took out of it? Oh my word.

Sorry Suffocatedlove, I think this one is a bad un.

Oh my goodness op he sounds HORRIFIC!

Yeah, he's a wrong 'un.

They all sound so ridiculously immature.
The arrangements that are in place regarding his daughter all over the place, it all depends if her mother has a new bf or not ( the poor child ) .
They clearly don’t adhere to anything the judge said , unless one pisses the other off in which case they drag each other back to court .
WTF are you leaving this man be apart of your life for at all .
I’d be well gone after reading that , alcohol issues aside , if he was a pioneer he wouldn’t interest me .

He also sends me messages during the day saying things like ‘I can’t wait to get home from work and you to be all over me’

or if I work nights he will change his work pattern so he can stay up all night ‘to support me’ I don’t need this, I worked nights wayy before him. And then will lay on bed with me the next day so I don’t even get any peace then, Iv told him to stop this but he acts like Iv kicked him in the face and does it anyway as he is ‘making the effort to spend time together’

The more you talk about him, the more my own vagina is clamping shut, so I can only imagine what it's like for you.

Seriously, OP. He's a controlling sex pest. You don't owe him anything. His sobriety is NOT your responsibility. Throw this one back.

Dear god he sounds absolutely insufferable. You poor thing.

Either couples counselling or run. The way he cannot hear what you are saying, twists what you say, constantly badgers on at you for attention, changes his shift patterns to align with yours, never leaves your side, takes any hint of you needing something different from him as rejection... He sounds like an utter nightmare. Send him to camp in the fucking woods and change the locks.

He's making ME feel smothered. He isn't even close to perfect. He just behaves like a functioning adult when it comes to housework and finances. 'A good man is just a highly average woman' springs to mind here. He isn't perfect. He's competent at life management. That is no reason to stay with him.

He sounds unhinged OP.
STOP trying to get him to understand you for starters, he has no intention of doing so. Listen to how you feel and end it. Get some support from your family and friends. This man is abusing you.

Why is your bar so low?

Quite apart from the rest of it, I'm not surprised you aren't enjoying being treated like a vending machine where he presses the right combination and sex falls out.

There's something so off about a person who thinks humans operate like contractions. I do this, then she should do and feel that.

@Suffocatedlove do not give yourself a hard time about what you've got into - I know some PP are doing just that, but possibly they don't realise how easy it is to be taken in by someone who is as expert a manipulator as this man sounds.

Most important thing, you have realised that this isn't right for you and your DD, and that it will never be right because this man is seriously damaged and it's not something you can do anything about. So forget about trying to fix him, and concentrate on taking the necessary steps to get him out of your lives. He will almost certainly be difficult about this, but harden your heart, do not listen to any more of his crap.

I've been in an abusive relationship like this so I know how easy it is to find yourself where you are...these people are masters at appearing to be everything you want, but that's all it is, an appearance. And I had all the same sex pest, turning up and trying to be with me even when I didn't want him there stuff. You will feel so much happier, so much more free when he is out of your life...if you can, I'd confide in your landlord about the problem, it sounds like you had the tenancy on your own to start with, so hopefully it'll be possible to get back to that...assuming you want to stay where you are and don't feel the need for a fresh start somewhere else?

Best of luck love, you can do this, and it will definitely be worth it I promise.

I should have left a long long time ago. It’s made it even harder now.

He will say that he has ‘changed his whole life’ for me which in some ways he has but I didn’t ask him too!

He's completely delusional, isn't he. Also, you mentioned upthread that you wonder if his love is genuine. I have met many guys like this and no it isn't genuine and they move on very quickly to love bomb their next obsession. That's not to forget that he may make your life quite difficult in the interim (even whilst he's seeking new flames) and he does sound as if he's on the extreme end with gaslighting and manipulation thrown in so be very careful how you go about this

Look at your two kids
better yet - ask them whether they want to live with this leech who’s caused so much drama in their lives

Hopefully their response may just galvanise you

You should have booted him out when he turned out to be an alcoholic. Why are you doing this to your DD? It’s so selfish. Just get rid of him. Carefully, though he doesn’t sound entirely stable.

This is horrendous. I feel trapped and suffocated just reading it. I could not live like this.

He’s working his way into being your ‘controller’.
would you marry him?
if not, then you need get rid imho.
I think you’ve already given him enough.

Obsession is not part of a healthy relationship.

You dont have a partner. You have a stalker.

The stalker has managed to arrange things so he lives with you instead of hiding in your hedge, but that doesn't mean he isn't one. Look at his behaviour. Obsessed. Delusional about your level of interest in him. Takes everything you do as a sign of you reciprocating (or rejecting) his obsession. Always there, whether you want him to be or not. Constant efforts to make you notice him.

Stalker.

You need advice from Women's Aid and the police on how to leave safely.

@Suffocatedlove I should have left a long long time ago. It’s made it even harder now.

You didn't leave before because for whatever reason, it wasn't the right time for you...now is the right time.

Don't beat yourself up, use that energy to get shot of him asap.

Try redirecting his energy into things you would want to share and do together, rather than just all sex.

A book series that you want to read.(He needs to read then you can discuss)
Completing four specific ramble routes.(He can map out a course and plan menu and you travel and complete)
Films to watch.
Bread baking.
Swimming laps.
Gardening - vegies and flowers.

Anything that takes commitment and that you would like to do with DH.
DH needs to know that he is most attractive to you when he is stimulating, developing skills and venturing into the new unknown.

It doesn't matter what he says, you don't need to justify how he is making you feel. Trying to reason with him wont work.

Good for him that he's giving up drinking and is now working and being a better dad .That doesn't mean that you're obliged to stay with him forever more as a reward.
Just because there's some truly awful monstrous men out there doesn't mean to say that you have stay with someone just because they're not a violent psychopath.