DP ‘perfect’ but I can’t bear it!

[Suffocatedlove]

Will try and get all the info in as not to drip feed. NC but long term on mumsnet.

I am 36 & DP is 41. I have 17 yr old DD and he has 7 yr old DD. No children together. No plans to have any. We live together in my house. Been together 4.5 years, lived together for 3.

Start of the relationship went well, although love bombing in hindsight. Then just after he moved in I discovered he was an alcoholic. A very traumatic year passed as he lost his job and was drinking by daily. Long custody battles in court for his child, his family completely toxic encouraging drink and actually trying to ruin my life (maliciously calling my work, SS, etc I fell out of love with him in this time and asked him to move out. He begged for a 2nd chance and said he would get sober and do all the work on himself for a chance to be with me.

He did. He has been sober for 18 months, back in work (quite profitable business). He does everything ‘right’ puts money in the household; probably does more in the house and garden than I do, has built a relationship with his DD, gone NC with his whole family, buys me surprise presents, makes sure we spend time together, books trips away, walks my dogs if I am busy, literally on paper, everything absolutely right.

However. He is so full on. Bordering desperate. He constantly complains I don’t spend enough time with him, that he wants more of me, he wants to work on our relationship, he is constantly asking me to come back to bed after the school run etc (we don’t live near my selective DD’s sixth form so I have to drive her), how I am always busy with work. He says all the time how I am his priority, how he has put ‘everything’ in to me and us and it almost feels that I owe him for this. If I am not hanging off him he feels rejection. It’s suffocating!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be and look at my life and think I am being so ungrateful.

I just want him to chill. But I’ve spoken to him about it loads and he says that he wants our relationship to be intense and ‘obsessed’ and that ‘he won’t be told it’s not amazing to feel the way he does about me’.

What shall I do????

I would start the process of removing him from your tenancy agreement. Seek further legal advice on how to get him out of your home.

I hope I am wrong but he I think is not going to go at all quietly here. He on some level may well resent you earn more than he too; that is his problem and not yours.

You can only help your own self ultimately. And do stop toeing the line when it comes to him.

Can you explain that you don't have the same sex drive. Do you do other things together or is it all about sex? I think you need to be firmly saying no and explain life isn't all about sex. I agree with others that the alcohol addiction has probably morphed into sex addiction, would he go to couple's counselling?

thank you. I ask becasue I think this maybe applies to me. I had a horrific psychotic break at 44 and I think it was becasue of this perhaps but I had no clue at all I was doing it. I felt I was myself before and dint notice anything off.

He has his DD one night a week, but tbh it is all very dependent on whether her mum has a new bf etc. in 3 years we have had her 50/50, 3 nights a weeks, 3 nights but different days, 2 nights, every weekend, every other weekend with a night in the week, now it’s every week. His inability to co parent effectively (I will say his ex is the same) is also another ick. They have a court order which neither of them follow currently, when one gets the hump with the other they will reignite it in the courts then it will die a death, then it’s texts about changing it. I have said to him in the past that the seems obsessed with that too but of course he isn’t 🙄

Your poor dd, what were you thinking. An alcoholic, drama-ridden unstable stepfather in her home during the most crucial years to learn about relationships. Please get rid of him and tell her exactly why. She needs to learn that this is not what relationships are about and frankly aim a lot higher than you.

This gives me the absolute heebie jeebies. Get it over and done with.

I absolutely hear this and you are right. I am so disgusted with myself that she went through that. I think this also plays into what I feel about him now. I thought she was sheltered from the worst of it. It was only after he got sober (the early weeks) she came to me and told me how awful it was for her, it’s something that plays over in my head a lot.

But he also told me that he ‘can’t and shouldn’t be held responsible for his past when he has made so many positive changes’

Interesting that you say he is perfect
.
You moved a love bombing, emotionally unstable man in with you and your young teen daughter.

You then discovered he is an alcoholic. So I am assuming he is also a liar, and sly, as you were unaware?

You have helped him to get his life together. He must be grateful to you, but he has many flaws still and his personality will not change. He is emotionally suffocating and draining.

For some reason you seem to need to prioritise him above yourself and your daughter?

"it is all very dependent on whether her mum has a new bf" Poor kid.

At the end of the day, you need to leave. It's clear from everything you have written. Nothing your have said gives any indication that it would be an objectively good idea for you to stay, nor that you want to stay.

An alcoholic managed to get his feet under the table, became unemployed and is a sex pest.

He is the least perfect partner ever and if you don’t get him out then more fool you. Plus who wants anyone like that near their child is beyond belief.

Get rid of him and change the locks, even if he gives all keys back. Have had dealing with alcoholics who are looking for support though not an actual charity that supports specifically alcoholics. Some are like that because of tragedy and that’s sad but overall they are often as with any addiction extremely manipulative. I would bet a penny to a pound he threatens suicide if you break up with him. Just a warning.

He absolutely is responsible for his past behaviour as well as his current dry spell. He is responsible for both. The past happened, it doesn’t disappear when we regret it. He doesn’t sound apologetic over it at all.

Personally I think see’s sex as a ‘way in’ to communications with me. He will think nothing of sending me 5-10 sexually explicit messages while I’m out food shopping, I think he feels this will get a response over something like ‘can you pick up some more milk?’

I have a good healthy sex drive and we do have a lot of sex but the second we are not it’s ’been ages’, ‘are you just not horny anymore?’ ‘Do you think your sex drive has gone now?’ this was this morning, we had sex on Sunday afternoon.

I have actually taken to writing down all the time we do have sex as he did at one point make me feel as though I was going mad with the questioning

I agree. But be prepared for the emotional blackmailing that will follow where you will be blamed for everything including the price of eggs and the weather.

So for the first 1.5 years of the relationship this man was hiding the fact that he is an alcoholic from you. Is looks like he was doing that in order to move in with you? Only then you found out about his addiction.

This explains the love bombing too. So the relationship was built on him presenting the false persona. Hmmm. Im not sure i would be ok with that. I was in a relationship once where the guy was telling lies about his past for about a year and then i found out. We broke up but got back together a few months later. Still i broke up with him later on because i couldn’t get over the fact this person who claimed to love me was able to lie and conceal things from me for a year. I just couldn’t trust him anymore after that.

Your DP lied and now he’s turned all needy, demanding and using you for his dopamine fix. I assume you have been compliant enough so far but i bet in not too distant future, when you start asserting yourself and putting boundaries in place he will turn back to drinking (apologies if that’s pessimistic). And it’s all going to be your fault (in his head).

He needs to go back to address the addiction properly (but tbh i wouldn’t be able to get over the fact he lied for 1.5 until moving in anyways)

For example, if I booked the day off work to just lay around watching tv, doing face masks etc, he would also book the day off to ‘be around me’ or would rush home from work to finish early because ‘you are at home waiting for me’

So in the early days he love-bombed you, then he went off the rails and started drinking (he probably already had been an alcoholic btw but would have just hidden it from you during the honeymoon period), lost his job, tried to ruin your life, you took him back and now he's essentially made you his "hobby" and is following you round constantly, complaining you're not giving him enough attention and pestering you for sex whilst you're working?!

But I feel awful. He has done and does everything ‘right’.

What?!?! Buying you presents and booking trips away isn't doing everything "right" at all! Is he listening to you and what you need? Does he genuinely care about you and want the best for you? Does he encourage to achieve what you want to achieve? Does he celebrate if you get a promotion or some good news?

I read posts on here and see how shit men can be.

Um.......

I would not recommend couples counselling. He is more likely than not to try to manipulate the counsellor in those sessions as he has done to the OP i.e look at me I've done all this changing for you so now you can remain with me in our relationship. No.

He is still an alcoholic and will be so for the rest of his days. And he is absolutely responsible for what happened in his past. I feel for both your own child and his 7 year old child because the adults around them have let them down here.

He sounds exhausting and quite controlling in a soft way. Wanting an intense/obsessed relationship when you’ve clearly said you feel suffocated is him prioritising his needs over yours. You don’t owe him access to your time, body, or attention because he’s sober and doing the basics. If you can’t relax in your own home, that’s your answer.

I was going to ask if your phrase ‘he has done everything right’ is your own words or from him, but you’ve answered the question here.

It’s gaslighting and understandable over time youve gone along with it, because you are impressed with his work and achievements. But he has not done everything right!! He is suffocating you and trying (with some success) to force you to bend to what his idea of love is. In reality, it is not love, to make all these demands of you and lead you to think you are rejecting him if you don’t do what he wants.

@Suffocatedlove. I lived with someone like this for 3 years - I didn’t realise the drink issue till after I had moved in with him as he hid it well whilst we lived separately - he too then became clingy and needy , I think OP it’s because they can’t live life on an even keel, they constantly need ‘a hit’ - be that alcohol, sex or drugs- just pottering along normally without that constant rush to them feels dull and boring - I had a female friend like this too who constantly lived life like Eastenders- if there wasn’t some kind of drama going on, she would create one. Some people like very intense relationships, I personally don’t - so I ended it

OP , you see there you have it , he went to a counsellor regarding his alcohol addiction, doesn’t go anymore, feels he doesn’t need to 🙄.
He should be attending AA meetings every week , he should be so afraid of ever slipping back into his old ways .
What if life throws him a curve ball , what will he do then ? , Use alcohol as a crutch ? , which is highly possible given he’s not receiving any professional help to stay away from it .

You are his new addiction.
The relationship is unhealthy, unless he recognises this & seeks professional help I’d be leaving this relationship if I were you .

And yet you call him “perfect”. I think you need to re read all your responses to other posters and maybe re evaluate your definition of “perfect”.

If this man was a plate he is so flawed he couldn’t even be sold as a slight second but would be straight into the rejects bin.

He is not listening to you. He doesn’t give a shit about your thoughts and feelings. It all revolves about him and his wants.

Life is TOO SHORT! Is tip toeing around him really what you and your daughter want and need? How does it feel if you imagine a life without him in it?

He is not perfect in any shape or form. It’s laughable to describe him as such. He’s an obsessive sex pest at the very least.

He would say he was proud of me etc, I do a project based role so whenever something is successful he is always very happy for me, but it’s closely followed with him needing attention now that is out of the way.

typical example - ‘omg babe that’s amazing well done! I’m so proud of you you smashed it! *insert card, balloons, present etc’ closely followed by ‘Does this mean I get my XXX back now because I know all of that stresses you out and you can’t relax when you have work like that and I feel it for us and our relationship’

When all said and done isn't he just a common or garden cocklodger who is petrified you will go off him and kick him out