Wife doesn’t want sex/find me attractive

[Tristezza]

Would appreciate any thoughts or advice.

Both very early 40s, been together 20 years. My wife has virtually zero sex drive and has been that way for 6 or so years. We have sex once every 6 weeks or so and I feel like she does it only that often to try and keep me sort of happy in that department. I’d like it more like twice a week or at very least weekly. We do have 2 young children (youngest is 7) and life is chaotic like everyone with young kids, but we have enough time and energy so it isn’t that.

I have given up trying to instigate sex most of the last year as I feel like I’m just nudging her towards something she really doesn’t want to do, which is a horrible thought. She says she just has almost no sex drive, but says she enjoys it when we do occasionally do it. I can’t expect her to want to do it more just as she can’t expect me to want to do it less, and neither of us would try to tell the other how to feel. So it’s just a mis-match of sex drives I guess?

On top of this (and maybe a contributing factor?), I feel she doesn’t fancy me at all. She never says or does anything to give the vaguest hint that she finds me physically or sexually attractive. The first time I brought this up and said it’s obvious you don’t find me attractive her instinctive response was to blurt out “well I don’t find you unattractive”, which I found pretty hurtful, but she seems to think was just poor choice of instinctive words.

She says that she basically doesn’t find anyone attractive at all. Not quite asexual but almost sounds along those lines from the way she describes it.

For balance, she does often tell me what a great person I am and that I’m a super dad, both of which make me feel good. And she undoubtedly loves me, and she would do anything for me (and vice versa). She’s a great wife in almost all other ways, which is why I want to find a way through this.

But I now feel like we’re two good friends but nothing much more. I’ve lost most of my desire to maintain a romantic affection and do the things you’d otherwise want to do with the love of your life, so don’t have a strong desire to go on dates, cuddle her, hold hands etc. For me it feels hard to maintain that romantic affection where there’s no sexual connection and no attraction (on one side).

Not really sure what I’m asking for here by way of advice. Is this a common thing that at this stage in life you might not particularly fancy your husband any more, and that libido drops off a cliff?
I feel too young to live with a very limited sex life and feeling not fancied by my other half - I’m just over 40, not just over 80! But she’s my wife who I love and I’d never want my family to break up so I don’t know what the answer is - just accept it?

No one has replied to you yet. I don’t have any answers but I know from personal experience that this isn’t how the rest of your life should be. my husband and I were making love until his death in his 80s. This isn’t unusual.
You’ve got to the point where just a cuddle may seem like you’re trying to initiate making love, so you don’t cuddle for fear of placing the two of you in a difficult situation. Same with holding hands, in fact anything tactile.
My suggestion is that you need professional help and you obviously both love each other enough to do this. Do it soon before temptation rears its ugly head, and don’t give up. You never know it may be sonething really simple like a hormone imbalance. Good luck.

"I can’t expect her to want to do it more just as she can’t expect me to want to do it less, and neither of us would try to tell the other how to feel. So it’s just a mis-match of sex drives I guess?"

The person with the lower sex drive is the one who sets the pace. If you push for a higher pace, that is sexual coercion.

She doesn't owe you her body, whether you're married, whether you've fucked thousands of times, whether sex make you feel good, or whether you find deep emotional meaning in sex. Her body does not belong to you, nor is she obliged to make you feel happy at the expense of agreeing to you penetrating her body with her unwilling and coerced consent.

(That's not real consent, btw)

And ultimately pushing for sex at a pace that she doesn't want will be unproductive, because all it'll do is kill her libido - what is left of it in this busy season of young kids and a hectic exhausting life - so stone dead that when she finally has the freedom and energy to be sexual, she won't want to be that with you.

If you don't like the pace, you can leave and find someone else who matches your sex drive.

my H could have written this except I’m in my mid 60s - haven’t been interested for 10 years - and it’s not because he isn’t attractive- he is - I honestly can’t say OP why or how it happens but for me it just did kind of overnight

I’m in a similar situation, but I’m the wife who doesn’t want sex. Obviously your wife is totally different, but maybe this will help you to get an idea of what might help.

In my case it’s a combination of being utterly burnt out from parenting and being in the middle of perimenopause. We have 2 kids, the younger one with ADHD which means she never stops talking or wanting attention. I’m more introverted and I find the constant talking and wanting to sit on top of me all day utterly utterly draining. By the time evening comes I just want to sit in silence and not be touched. DH also talks non-stop when he gets home, fires questions at me and doesn’t listen to the answers.

For ages DH would ask for sex every night and look really sad (or even huff) if I said no, which was an absolute turn-off; he also got it into his head that sex is better if it lasts as long as possible, so when I did say yes the entire thing just took ages and I lay there wishing it was over so I could go to sleep.

He also asked me whether the reason I didn’t want sex was that I was having an affair (which is completely ridiculous as I’m at the office the whole time the kids are in school and rarely go out in the evenings, so it’s basically impossible, even if I had the energy or desire). Anyway, that was another major turn-off because I felt as though he didn’t trust me.

We're in the process of working through all of this, and the first thing that helped was when he actually listened to what I was saying and believed it. Like when I said I’m touched out by the kids, it took him quite a while to believe that that is actually the case. Also he stopped asking for sex every night, because I realised that every time he asked it was creating a bit more resentment in me and making me want it even less. And finally I’ve insisted on getting involved in some social stuff again, which I haven’t done in about 10 years. DH isn’t very sociable and rarely goes out, and without meaning to he’d kind of discouraged me from going out as well (not directly, but he’d ask so many questions about it that I almost felt like I was having to justify going out, and then when I came home he’d ask another million questions and I just couldn’t be arsed answering). He was also convinced it would make me more tired, but actually conversation with friends on my own wavelength has energised me and I come home more relaxed. So I guess I’d got a bit lost in the trenches of parenting and needed to actually go out and find myself again.

i don’t know whether any of this rings true with you, but I know a few friends who’ve been through similar and I don’t think it’s uncommon, so it might be worth talking through with your wife to see what she would like to do and what “sparks joy” in her, and encourage her to do that. I don’t think there’s a quick fix, but if you’re both keen to work on it then that’s a good start.

I’m aware of all this - that’s what I said in the text you quoted. I can’t (won’t/wouldn’t) expect her to want to have sex more, is literally what I said.

If you read my post you’ll see I’ve made it clear I definitely don’t and haven’t tried to coerce her at all. I’ve done the opposite and stopped making any attempts at all towards us having sex so that it is now totally down to her. And I’ve not said or implied in any way that she owes me her body?!

And yes, I’m aware I can leave and find someone else. Again my post should have made it pretty clear I’m trying to find a way forward without that.

So you expect her to want sex but you're not going to kiss, hug or show any affection at all beforehand? You realise that by completely withholding all that she's not going to all of a sudden say oh yes I definitely want to have sex now right?

I can't see an amicable outcome to this unfortunately, I think you need to prepare for the worst.

Very helpful……..

Thanks for this perspective (and taking the time
to write it out). I think I put a lot of it down to exhaustion for at least a couple of years but things are a lot calmer with the kids these days and she’s said herself it’s not down to that, just that her libido is zero.

But I think maybe you’re right that seeking a way of finding other joy and excitement in life beyond the day to day grind might be a route forward as a start point!

Also good to hear it isn’t massively uncommon, I think that’s partly what I wanted to understand by seeking opinions here.

I’ve lost most of my desire to maintain a romantic affection and do the things you’d otherwise want to do with the love of your life, so don’t have a strong desire to go on dates, cuddle her, hold hands etc. For me it feels hard to maintain that romantic affection where there’s no sexual connection and no attraction (on one side).

I'd like to understand this more. You don't want any physical affection if it's not sexual but you love her?

I think it’s less that I don’t (truly) want those things and more that I feel a bit rejected/unwanted so those things have also faded for me, which is sad.

You’re describing me, really. Except we don’t even dtd as often as every six weeks.

I’m the same age as you and your wife, OP. I’ve literally no idea what’s happened to my libido but it’s been dwindling for years, probably since the birth of my first child. I put it down to the hormonal contraceptive I was on so came off that for three years, but it made literally no difference other than to make my cycles unpredictable.

I don’t have anything to offer to help unfortunately other than to say that if your wife says it’s not you, it probably isn’t!

I wouldn't stay in a marriage like that. My husband wouldn't either. You can leave, I know that sounds trite, but sex is a really important part of marriage and it seems like she's just not into it

But I now feel like we’re two good friends but nothing much more. I’ve lost most of my desire to maintain a romantic affection and do the things you’d otherwise want to do with the love of your life, so don’t have a strong desire to go on dates, cuddle her, hold hands etc

This is hinting at a transactional mentality. It sounds like “if I’m not getting sex why bother”.

Secondly, and this needs saying, are you attractive? Some men just expect to be found attractive whether they are or not. Even when they’ve become very overweight or they neglect their personal hygiene.

Can you set sex aside entirely for the next 6 months and focus on reconnecting?Maybe you’ve both been prioritising other things and have let your connection get a bit lost. Arrange those dates, organise household support if you’re both too busy to find the headspace for connection. Help your wife feel like a 360 degree person. You have to see this as working on your connection - if it’s just about sex it will not be fruitful.

You’ve asked her if she still finds you attractive but have you sat down and explained how you feel? I believe you can turn this around but withdrawing from her won’t help as pp has mentioned.

Have you been on MN for a while I see this is your first post under this username. My advice would be to have a look through some of the similar posts on here from chaps in similar situations and you will see that your not alone and that between the acerbic posts will be some really good advice.

When she says you’re not unattractive, I suspect she means that she just never thinks about it. It isn’t you being unattractive that’s the problem at all, it just isn’t her focus right now. It’s interesting, I am surprised anyone has time/focus to think about sex around young kids. For me it’s like a different mindset. It really annoyed me that he was thinking about his dick while I was thinking about feeding our dc, or cleaning our house.

Thanks for that perspective. That’s not the intention but I get that and wouldn’t want my wife to think it’s that.

I think I’m reasonably attractive. I wouldn’t be expect to be found attractive. But would hope my wife might fancy me at least a bit.

I can understand it, I think. The physical touch you share with a sex partner IS different from platonic touches. The differences are tiny, but so real that we can almost always tell a couple of friends or colleagues are sleeping together, or going to. I've noticed that, when I hug my siblings, it's not full-body contact although it gets close.

If you were to re-introduce companiable touch with a sexually distant partner, the more intimate register could feel threatening to them and would be likely to make you feel false, almost hypocritical. Were you to switch into sibling mode, you would HAVE to alter your feelings - train yourself not to think of them sexually - in order to maintain a natural, unforced level of platonic contact.

That means you've given up.

If you want to hear about the mental load from a man, Alex Trippier makes good explainer videos about gendered roles in parenting.

I am your wife in this situation. We are having sex maybe once a month. I never want it but usually enjoy it.

There a few things behind it, all of which I’m working on but don’t have answers:

Age/perimenopause: I’ve gained weight, I hate the way I look, my hips and legs hurt all the time. I feel 20 years older than I am, exhausted and washed out. I feel deeply unsexual and undesirable. I have lost all connection with the person I was who he fell in love with, physically I mean. I feel self conscious naked. My vaginal walls are thinning, and sometimes I’m in pain afterwards. I worry about utis. The whole experience has more risk than reward now. I still mastubate but have no desire to be touched by anyone else. However I don’t want to be this person and I am working on trying to regain some physical health and considering HRT.

our relationship: we don’t spend any time together that is separate from our family life. We barely talk about anything but the kids and our daily lives, the house etc. it’s so unsexy. Our initial attraction was very much intellectual but we don’t get time to chat and he doesn’t seem to find me that interesting anymore. We never get a chance to do anything new together eg see a band or a comedian or a film as we’re so busy with work and kids and can’t afford babysitting. I need all this to have a sexual response.

resentment : I am carrying the mental load and it’s killing me. He thinks he’s doing 50 per cent. He’s doing about 15 percent on a good week. His career has massively taken off, mine is stagnant. It’s not his fault that’s happened but I am angry.

He’s definitely withdrawn cuddling etc. I’m upset about that.

what I’m doing - therapy, more exercise and better diet, we’re talking, I’m trying to reconnect with the side of me I distantly remember pre kids.

I love my husband deeply and I still fancy him. But that’s not enough for me to have desire.

What I’m trying to say is: this isn’t simply that she’s gone off you. It’s complex. Any pressure will make it worse

Personally, I found it surprising how long the exhaustion of parenting continued - even when my husband felt things were a lot easier, I felt that there was still a lot of being aware of the kids’ emotional needs and making sure they were being met, along with carrying a lot of the mental load for the family - organising things and planning things, etc, which meant I didn’t feel like I had a lot of energy or time for my emotional needs let alone my husband’s. That, allied with not having much conversation with my husband about anything apart from the kids, left me feeling a long way from ‘in the mood’ most of the time - getting used to a post partum body (even years later) and aging and hormones also didn’t help. There was a lot to let go of before I would feel relaxed enough to actively want to have sex. I read something once that said that some people feel close through having sex and some people feel like having sex when they feel close. For me, I certainly find that if my husband and I spend an evening talking (not about the kids!), listening to music, having a drink, just enjoying being together, I am much more interested in physical intimacy - hugging or kissing without that prelude can get to the stage where it feels like pressure as it’s become a precursor to things, especially against the backdrop you’ve described. For me, hrt also helped nudge things awake a bit too. It’s good that you are trying to find a way through this. I hope you find something that works for you both.

@Tristezza https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5487649-having-absolutely-no-sex-drive?reply=150411283

From a female perspective, a thread this evening.

Just going to leave this here as I always do with these threads.. Read Mating In Captivity.
It's a game changer.

Sorry to be nosey but may I ask if there was an age difference out of interest?