Wife doesn’t want sex/find me attractive

[Tristezza]

Would appreciate any thoughts or advice.

Both very early 40s, been together 20 years. My wife has virtually zero sex drive and has been that way for 6 or so years. We have sex once every 6 weeks or so and I feel like she does it only that often to try and keep me sort of happy in that department. I’d like it more like twice a week or at very least weekly. We do have 2 young children (youngest is 7) and life is chaotic like everyone with young kids, but we have enough time and energy so it isn’t that.

I have given up trying to instigate sex most of the last year as I feel like I’m just nudging her towards something she really doesn’t want to do, which is a horrible thought. She says she just has almost no sex drive, but says she enjoys it when we do occasionally do it. I can’t expect her to want to do it more just as she can’t expect me to want to do it less, and neither of us would try to tell the other how to feel. So it’s just a mis-match of sex drives I guess?

On top of this (and maybe a contributing factor?), I feel she doesn’t fancy me at all. She never says or does anything to give the vaguest hint that she finds me physically or sexually attractive. The first time I brought this up and said it’s obvious you don’t find me attractive her instinctive response was to blurt out “well I don’t find you unattractive”, which I found pretty hurtful, but she seems to think was just poor choice of instinctive words.

She says that she basically doesn’t find anyone attractive at all. Not quite asexual but almost sounds along those lines from the way she describes it.

For balance, she does often tell me what a great person I am and that I’m a super dad, both of which make me feel good. And she undoubtedly loves me, and she would do anything for me (and vice versa). She’s a great wife in almost all other ways, which is why I want to find a way through this.

But I now feel like we’re two good friends but nothing much more. I’ve lost most of my desire to maintain a romantic affection and do the things you’d otherwise want to do with the love of your life, so don’t have a strong desire to go on dates, cuddle her, hold hands etc. For me it feels hard to maintain that romantic affection where there’s no sexual connection and no attraction (on one side).

Not really sure what I’m asking for here by way of advice. Is this a common thing that at this stage in life you might not particularly fancy your husband any more, and that libido drops off a cliff?
I feel too young to live with a very limited sex life and feeling not fancied by my other half - I’m just over 40, not just over 80! But she’s my wife who I love and I’d never want my family to break up so I don’t know what the answer is - just accept it?

Basically what @PlumPlumb said, but a softer version.

I cannot stress enough that women (mothers) have a terrible time switching off. Even if it appears we have. We are constantly thinking of the neverending list of things we need to do. This does not include guilt. Women carry guilt. About everything. For everyone. I can almost guarantee your wife is hyper aware that you're not getting enough sex while juggling thoughts of how she let DC down because she forgot to send them to school with a snack.

The other thing which has been mentioned is connection without expectation. I steer clear of affection towards my DH because any physical touch ignites his 'sex is on the cards' spark. This makes me recoil. I need the connection with no strings attached to produce desire to have sex in the long run. He probably thinks I'm off sex. I'm not. I masterbate A LOT!

She does 100% of the laundry. I do 100% of the house cleaning, dishes and 100% of cooking for the whole family. I do all school runs and most of the kids ferrying to activities.

No I’m not leaving anything lying around, but a more likely negative factor for us might be that I’ve got a tendency to moan at the rest or the family for leaving things lying around for me to tidy up after them.

So your post has helped make me think about whether that’s a factor as there seems to be a theme in the last few posts that it’s probably something I’m doing to irritate her or make her life less pleasant than it should be, so I’ll reflect on that. It doesn’t match what she says but she possibly doesn’t realise it.

I was going to suggest the same. Ester Perel is very illuminating on this subject

The state of affairs is also brilliant for those at a further stage of marital disconnect but Maring in captivity is very good for the 'he/she does not want sex anymore ' issue in marriage

Are you saying you’re doing more than 50%, OP? If so, you’d be going against the statistical norm (see Fair Play). Your wife does only laundry plus a little ferrying of the kids?

I’m raising this as men out themselves on MN in these really specific, long posts about not getting enough sex and they claim to be doing a similar amount to you. Agree with PP you’re adopting a script, are you really open to seeing your wife’s perspective? Or you’ve defaulted to ‘I’m ok / she’s the problem’ thinking.

None of these things apart from point 2 apply to me and my partner but my sex drive has fallen off a cliff since having kids (2 and 4) - it’s really not his fault in the slightest. I suspect it’s partly hormonal and partly because life is hard and life is inherently very unsexy now. ETA - I’ve just reread your post, I thought point 2 said “I’ve become A MUM” rather than “HIS MUM” so actually, even point 2 doesn’t apply to me. I’m definitely not his mum.

In my experience, it’s not as simple as “all men are gross entitled pigs and if they stopped being so gross and entitled they’d be having loads of sex”

This was the situation DH and I were in many years ago, I just didn’t enjoy sex for a long time and I would say only once in about 4 times would I get aroused. DH was great, putting up with me, I still liked being intimate, touching, fondling, kissing and cuddling without actual sex, so I’m glad he never gave up on me, we were always considerate to each other. He would always tell me how sexy I was, but I couldn’t say the same. We did enjoy an average sex life, yes I did lie back and hope this time would be different and I would enjoy it. Don’t stop trying to find ways get through this, if my DH stopped trying we would definitely not have had any sex at all, we just worked out how to please each other. For me sex did get better knowing there wasn’t any pressure on me.

Welcome to marriage!😉🤣

Not bothering with hand holding or date nights is very likely contributing to her lack of desire. Not touching a person unless you want sex is the ultimate turn off for many. No dates feels like punishment. It might be time for counselling.

I’m sorry for both of you OP. It’s no way to live but contrary to a lot of other posts I actually really think you can change it.
Does your wife want to go back to how things were between you? If not then really that’s the problem.
I would advise looking at Esther Perel’s work- she’s done a great Ted talk, but also has a podcast and books. I think it will give you some insight.

I haven't got time to read the other responses (two young kids too!), I'm sure this is already covered... i don't want to presume anything about mental load, housework etc in your household but it might be worth truthfully considering what her load looks like vs yours. Not just who takes the kids to the birthday party on a weekend, but who buys the present and card, gets the kids to write the card, wraps the present, puts it on the calendar, makes sure they have appropriate clothes, etc. I've discovered my sex drive is closely linked to my mental load - and I find it particularly unattractive if my husbands is low whilst mine is high. Secondly - and I would approach this topic carefully! - has she been checked for menopause? If not might be worth a check. Good luck 👍

Good response, like so many on here.

I do think there is a strong link between desire waning and that pressure that we should want and should have sex creeping in. Coupled with the daily grind of life, kids, possibly SEN kids and perimenopause that obligation is well just frankly a massive turn off.

I can only speak for myself and I don't know if there's an element of PDA in there but as soon as something is expected of me, it becomes a chore.

Sex is no longer that exciting thing. It is there all the time reminding me I'm not doing it enough and niggling at me why haven't I done it today, 'come on, it's been 4 days'... It becomes another thing to do, to remember to fit in and that is NOT sexy!

Taking sex off the cards to allow time for that expectation to dissipate but continuing to be affectionate is probably impossible for most men.. for them it is a case of 'you don't give me this, you don't get that.' And that is NOT going to get them more sex!!!

Suggestions that I think really could help:

No hormonal contraception and no risk of pregnancy. I actually feel desire during my natural cycle. Contraceptive pills remove that.

Absolutely no competition between sex and sleep. Not at bedtime, not early morning. Seriously consider both going down to 4 days a week at work and having time together when the children are at school (not just for sex)

Consider whether your wife can become or work towards being a weekend parent, Monday to Friday her focus is her work (and you do the all the weekday responsibilities for a good while.

Hygiene and bathroom cleanliness as per PPs are non negotiable.

All of the above are likely to be easier, cheaper and far less traumatic for all than separation and divorce. You may also find a real happiness.

Some of you are married to disgusting men.
My dh is probably cleaner and more fussy than I am.
What were these men like before you got married?

Read the book Come As You Are - eye opening!

I don’t think I do more than 50%. No the laundry definitely isn’t all she does, I think contrary to popular opinion a lot of the running a household is about more than just cooking and cleaning so even if I do the majority of that visible stuff, there’s a huge amount of life admin and behind the scenes stuff that she does (exceptionally well).

I’m a bit of a clean and hygiene freak (which in itself is a negative trait that she has to put up with - the opposite of the traits that the ranty angry poster earlier made but tbh can be equally negative for my wife to live with even if it’s the opposite of what that poster is dealing with), so it makes sense for me to be the one dealing with certain things and her taking on other things. That’s just the reality whether it sounds like a script or not.

But she also does absolutely tons of stuff (KizzyA above gives some good examples) which I am totally aware are a drain either physically or mentally and no doubt have an impact on things so I take on board what others have said about that.

Somewhere, maybe here, I read long ago that, generally speaking, men feel closer to their partners when they have sex, but women need to feel close to their partners before they want sex. This is what lots of people on here are saying, and I certainly agree.

I'm 60 and have been married a very long time, but we have always had an issue with him wanting more sex than I do, and him getting turned on every time he touches me, so that I avoid touching him at all to avoid him getting turned on because I don't want sex, and then feel more disconnected as a result. For us, understanding this has helped. My DH has never been coercive at all, and he's sad that I don't want sex more than I do, but putting certain very clear boundaries in place (like "I want to be able to touch you in the living room without that meaning sex is on the cards", or "if you want to spend all evening watching sport I don't like that's fine, but I definitely won't want sex afterwards") has helped him realise that I'm simply not wired the same way that he is. You may need to have many conversations before you work out what the actual problem is for you and your wife, and these conversations can be difficult, but if you genuinely love each other then I do think a way forward with compromise and communication is possible.

And what’s he doing, any idea? Because I have found in my marriage, regardless of who thinks there is a problem, the solution always seems to lie with me. If I’m unhappy, I need to change myself. If he’s unhappy, I need to change myself.
I have read all the relationship books, all the self esteem books, all the psychology books, had therapy… he has read no books, done no work on his internal world, and from what I can tell made no changes in response to our situation. Yet he’d be devastated if ‘I broke up our marriage/family’.

My husband is a model husband in almost al ways, he’s never done the things @PlumPlumblists( although I know from friends they’re common!) however since turning about 40 I just can’t really be bothered with sex. I’d rather sleep, it’s messy, and my drive for it has just disappeared. Husband does more than his fair share around the house, I still fancy him, he’s good in bed, kids are easy age. So basically I think it’s just got to be an age thing. We have sex once a week or maybe twice, because I feel it would break us of not and it’s not fair on him to keep him in a sex less marriage. I enjoy it in the moment too. I’ve also been in a sexless relationship in my 20s and it’s an absolute killer, so you have my sympathy OP

Thank you @BoldNavyCritic that rings true and makes sense. I think the things you’ve suggested
probably need to form part of any discussions me and my wife have on this (though the discussions themselves are tricky as I feel that even bringing the topic up is putting pressure on her about it that I really don’t want to, so have sort of just given up at this stage for fear or doing that).

Hi op

As well as some of the practical stuff like driving the kids around, do you also help with the mental load for the kids? That’s also a big one.

Her lower libido may be down to hormones as well. Women can have issues with being lubricated enough or with sex being more painful than previously. Are you ensuring there is enough foreplay, using lube and also ensuring that your wife climaxes, which may need to be by clitoral stimulation instead?

I feel for you .This is such a common problem I think .Women are normally interested in sex while they are younger and feel attractive.As they have DC the times to be intimate are fewer ,It then becomes a day to day "dont forget to get Milk" or its "Peters Rugby practice this evening ," Can you see if you could get away for the weekend somewhere maybe ,or get a Babysitter. Dont jump her bones though,try and really talk together and enjoy nice food and drink. She may feel taken for granted like many wives do.If she opens up then that may help.No one "wants" to divorce BTW. but sometimes its the only option .Hopefully you can try to avoid this . BTW I dont think that many 80 year olds are getting it on very often !

Being honest and I’m 64 now, the only women I know who are still very interested in sex ( and the women are mainly in their 40s and 50s) are childless - ) no adult children either)

I think too that many men ( my H is guilt myof this aswas my First husband) is having days where they do nothing but criticise, moan or rant, be it other drivers, politics, parking, queues, potholes, something in the house not working, kids behaviour etc but come 10.30 pm they suddenly go into the ‘want sex’ mode and expect you to just switch on just like that and be totally in the mood , after a whole day of mood darkening behaviour.

If she isn’t attracted to you (as you said in a comment) and doesn’t want sex, there’s not much you can do. At this point I don’t really even understand why would want to sleep with someone who feels this way tbh.

She does 100% of the laundry. I do 100% of the house cleaning, dishes and 100% of cooking for the whole family. I do all school runs and most of the kids ferrying to activities

Men often grossly exaggerate how much they actually do. Most people would feel very resentful if they did all the above.

Do you both work?