Would appreciate any thoughts or advice.
Both very early 40s, been together 20 years. My wife has virtually zero sex drive and has been that way for 6 or so years. We have sex once every 6 weeks or so and I feel like she does it only that often to try and keep me sort of happy in that department. I’d like it more like twice a week or at very least weekly. We do have 2 young children (youngest is 7) and life is chaotic like everyone with young kids, but we have enough time and energy so it isn’t that.
I have given up trying to instigate sex most of the last year as I feel like I’m just nudging her towards something she really doesn’t want to do, which is a horrible thought. She says she just has almost no sex drive, but says she enjoys it when we do occasionally do it. I can’t expect her to want to do it more just as she can’t expect me to want to do it less, and neither of us would try to tell the other how to feel. So it’s just a mis-match of sex drives I guess?
On top of this (and maybe a contributing factor?), I feel she doesn’t fancy me at all. She never says or does anything to give the vaguest hint that she finds me physically or sexually attractive. The first time I brought this up and said it’s obvious you don’t find me attractive her instinctive response was to blurt out “well I don’t find you unattractive”, which I found pretty hurtful, but she seems to think was just poor choice of instinctive words.
She says that she basically doesn’t find anyone attractive at all. Not quite asexual but almost sounds along those lines from the way she describes it.
For balance, she does often tell me what a great person I am and that I’m a super dad, both of which make me feel good. And she undoubtedly loves me, and she would do anything for me (and vice versa). She’s a great wife in almost all other ways, which is why I want to find a way through this.
But I now feel like we’re two good friends but nothing much more. I’ve lost most of my desire to maintain a romantic affection and do the things you’d otherwise want to do with the love of your life, so don’t have a strong desire to go on dates, cuddle her, hold hands etc. For me it feels hard to maintain that romantic affection where there’s no sexual connection and no attraction (on one side).
Not really sure what I’m asking for here by way of advice. Is this a common thing that at this stage in life you might not particularly fancy your husband any more, and that libido drops off a cliff?
I feel too young to live with a very limited sex life and feeling not fancied by my other half - I’m just over 40, not just over 80! But she’s my wife who I love and I’d never want my family to break up so I don’t know what the answer is - just accept it?