Wife doesn’t want sex/find me attractive

[Tristezza]

Would appreciate any thoughts or advice.

Both very early 40s, been together 20 years. My wife has virtually zero sex drive and has been that way for 6 or so years. We have sex once every 6 weeks or so and I feel like she does it only that often to try and keep me sort of happy in that department. I’d like it more like twice a week or at very least weekly. We do have 2 young children (youngest is 7) and life is chaotic like everyone with young kids, but we have enough time and energy so it isn’t that.

I have given up trying to instigate sex most of the last year as I feel like I’m just nudging her towards something she really doesn’t want to do, which is a horrible thought. She says she just has almost no sex drive, but says she enjoys it when we do occasionally do it. I can’t expect her to want to do it more just as she can’t expect me to want to do it less, and neither of us would try to tell the other how to feel. So it’s just a mis-match of sex drives I guess?

On top of this (and maybe a contributing factor?), I feel she doesn’t fancy me at all. She never says or does anything to give the vaguest hint that she finds me physically or sexually attractive. The first time I brought this up and said it’s obvious you don’t find me attractive her instinctive response was to blurt out “well I don’t find you unattractive”, which I found pretty hurtful, but she seems to think was just poor choice of instinctive words.

She says that she basically doesn’t find anyone attractive at all. Not quite asexual but almost sounds along those lines from the way she describes it.

For balance, she does often tell me what a great person I am and that I’m a super dad, both of which make me feel good. And she undoubtedly loves me, and she would do anything for me (and vice versa). She’s a great wife in almost all other ways, which is why I want to find a way through this.

But I now feel like we’re two good friends but nothing much more. I’ve lost most of my desire to maintain a romantic affection and do the things you’d otherwise want to do with the love of your life, so don’t have a strong desire to go on dates, cuddle her, hold hands etc. For me it feels hard to maintain that romantic affection where there’s no sexual connection and no attraction (on one side).

Not really sure what I’m asking for here by way of advice. Is this a common thing that at this stage in life you might not particularly fancy your husband any more, and that libido drops off a cliff?
I feel too young to live with a very limited sex life and feeling not fancied by my other half - I’m just over 40, not just over 80! But she’s my wife who I love and I’d never want my family to break up so I don’t know what the answer is - just accept it?

It's common on here to blame "mental load" or not doing enough housework. I think this is a bit like the wizard of oz setting dorothy the challenge. Whatever you do won't be enough (for some), and will probably make no difference.

Having kids and creeping towards the menopause is a big deal for many relationships.

Options
1 stay and put up with it
2 stay and have affairs
3 stay and get therapy and hope it works
4 separate

You'll get other/different kinds of advice on reddit, r/deadbedrooms.

From a personal perspective I am not sure that ongoing, repeated non sexual contact is the answer. Primary since I hit menopause but probably earlier, I don’t particularly enjoy cuddling but I do quite enjoy sex. Maybe I am an outlier, but I guess the thing is we’re all different and what may work perfectly for someone on this thread may well not work for your DW.

@EuclidianGeometryFan
At the longest we’ve gone several months and at that time still had the affection and touch, so no,
I don’t think that would be hard to do if it worked
towards a resolution for us. 5 years sounds like a
long time but at the end of the day the aim is to save a relationship that will hopefully last another 50 years. Thanks for your suggestion on a practical route forward.

If we ever broke up my desire for casual sex and/or a younger woman is close to zero so that’s not particularly an issue. But the plan isn’t to be getting divorced anyway - we have kids (and anything financial as a reason not to divorce is an irrelevance compared to not wanting to put them through that).

OP clearly feels there's no problem re mental load and there might not be.

My DH is really quite fab, he takes on a lot and also works f/t. I genuinely can't complain about how much he does, my libido still plummeted.

I know mine is mostly hormonal. Women don't naturally need to keep producing, it's natural for it to start to switch off regardless of whether we actually have kids or not. Having kids just makes life more full on and hard work (making it worse 😅) but women can still go off sex without kids.

Men don't experience that hormonal rollercoaster and should be aware of basic biology yet are always total befuddled when their perimenopausal wife starts feeling unlike herself.

My other issue is the expectation of sex. That bores me. Like a LOT of women, I probably am undiagnosed inattentive ADHD. For me part of this is I struggle with people having what my subconscious feels is unfair expectations. I naturally, without any conscious thought, recoil from expectation unless it is something that is necessary for survival/work/home falling apart. Same as everyone, we all have do the daily grind that has to be done.

The trouble is when sex becomes one of those things. It gradually goes from an exciting novelty to a boring, routine expectation and that is such a turn off. I do it, but I'm not excited about it, I don't crave it and it's available on tap which also helps kill any excitement 🙈 it being a duty just kills desire.

My husband is wonderful and doting but when he was struggling with the lack of it, he backed off with affection which, whilst I understand, was only going to make me feel even more like sex was transactional. "I do this for you so you do this for me, oh and you better enjoy it!!!"

I am quite shocked at the amount of men more than happy to have sex with their wives knowing that they know aren't up for it. I know it's a case of "well I won't get any otherwise", well you're just contributing to the problem. You need to take sex off the table and work on the two of you and work on being able to show affection without there being anymore of a 'reward' in it for you other than knowing you've shown her affection.

In my experience, feeling like my husband just wants to be close to me because he loves me, not because he's got raging hard on, is EVERYTHING. We're not daft, we know men are different but we need to feel like if we couldn't have sex ever again for reasons beyond our control, you wouldn't ditch us, you'd still adore us. You need to make us feel like that, not just a hole to plug and maybe you'll get somewhere.

@Ksforkite bang on. Women are actually bored of sex far quicker than men, apparently. It has to be sex worth wanting to have, rather than a thrice weekly itch scratch.

Exactly this, more succinctly put than my effort 😅

Hi @Tristezza It’s been an interesting thread. I think you have had some good advice

I would certainly read or listen to Matings in captivity and come as you are as have been recommended . Regarding the mental load it would be an interesting exercise for you to go though the fair play process I think then you could confidently save that the mental load is fair between you (if not even)

Id also add to this This is how your marriage ends and both books by Karen Gurney mind the gap and how to not let kids ruin your sex life. I think then you will be in a much better position than most blokes to have what you truly need to have which is the difficult conversation.

I had tried to have it before I’d really understood what was contributing to our infrequency so hopefully you’ll be in a better position than me x

No, thanks for not being succinct before. Your longer post was useful to get a perspective from someone who has been in a similar position to
my wife and is useful to read and understand.

Your last point is something I agree with: If for some reason she physically couldn’t do it again that’s something I’d absolutely accept in a heartbeat, so maybe I need to reflect upon that and see this as similar to how I’d feel in that situation (sad but accepting of it and knowing it’s out of her control so is just the way it is).

My sex drive dwindled through my late 30s and 40s and took a nose dive around 44. I had a 2 day window where I felt sexual arousal and if we missed it, that was it for another month. There was a week or so where I didn’t mind having sex, but it was more for his benefit than mine, but nearly three weeks where it became increasingly intolerable.

I knew my cycle was a factor, but I saw the disinterest as my normal, and the couple of days of interest as Mother Nature trying to get me pregnant. I assumed once my periods stopped, I’d never want sex again.

Then I went on hrt and the window of tolerance expanded, and sex became comfortable again. But it was only when we added in hrt that I actually started feeling real sexual attraction to my dh. I didn’t realise how much my libido had disappeared until it came back with a bang.

Obviously tinkering with hormones is a personal choice and a medical matter, but I’m just throwing this pov in to the discussion because it’s been a bit startling to me. Dh is fit, attractive, a really great husband, friend, partner in life. He wasn’t doing anything wrong. There wasn’t anything he could fix. It was never about him.

This stuff has been repeated here ad nauseam.
I'm 46, don't have sex with my husband, no children, no financial struggles.
I definitely don't fancy him after 20 years, presumably out of sheer predictability and boredom.
We are married and everything is ok though, everyone's circumstances, reasons and lives are different.

Bit harsh, yes, but truth and reality are harsh.
The poster is right.

Regardless of gender, being rejected is awful. You’re quite young, so, I’d start making plans to leave the marriage. Just be a good parent. 👍

He should definitely do that and go find himself a willing hole. One that comes with a written guarantee it will remain open. Fingers crossed 🤞🏻

I deliberately jumped in early with this to head off the "You poooor man, she's a mean selfish bitch, she's unilaterally taken your sex life away from you, she's destroyed your sexual agency, I wouldn't tolerate a sexless marriage, you should think about opening the mariage or having an affair" crowd.

Once these people start, the thread devolves into an ongoing argument where people like me have to firmly remind PPs that in fact, no one is owed sex and that expecting to be serviced sexually is coercive.

Having read through this thread, I am pleased to see excellent advice from pretty much all PPs that addresses the real issue and gives you an idea of what might be on your wife's mind and how you can go forward.

Haven't read the other comments, so sorry if this has already been said. Could she be perimenopausal?

Sex drives are largely hormone driven. Women’s hormones vary massively over a lifetime. So yes she may just, physically - as in the endocrine system - have 0 biological drive for sex. Not much she can do about it. Yours will reduce too one day. I guess the question is do you still want to be with your wife when it does?

If that’s how these often go I bow to your superior knowledge. I did read a few similar threads but undoubtedly if you’re a frequent poster here you’ll know better than me.

But the implication of your post is that I am somehow coercing her or wanting to do that which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Sometimes people don’t post about this problem for genuine advice. They post for validation that they’re not the problem and the result is a poster who portrays themselves as perfect.

The fact your wife stopped wanting sex with you in her thirties shows all is not well as you say. Then six years of duty sex you knew she didn’t want suggests at a minimum the two of you don’t communicate well.

Have you actually told your wife you won’t be instigating anymore, and that you don’t want to cuddle or be affectionate anymore?

OP do you know what her love language is? Do you know what a love language is? Are you wooing her? Are you making her feel seen and attractive? Are you sending her messages during the day to tell her you’re thinking about her, that you appreciate everything she does for you and your family? Are you sending her flowers randomly just because she deserves a surprise. Are you flirting with her? Are you actually even sexy? Cos frankly you don’t sound it to me! You sound whiny, entitled and demanding. Even though you say you don’t expect her to have sex with you … you actually do or you wouldn’t be posting here. Do something to make her want you. Do something sexy and stop thinking sex begins in the bedroom. It’s 24/7 in the way that you view and treat your partner.

From your wife’s perspective this sounds like :
” if you don’t have sex with me, at an amount I deem suitable, you get no affection, dates etc”.

And to be blunt: it will make her feel like a blow up sex doll.

It would be interesting to know how much you help around the house and the mental load of the kids. Lots of women loose attraction when they have to essentially look after another child instead of having a partner.

FFS can you read the OPs comments!

I feel like I've lived with him, he's described his contribution to the mental load in such minute detail.

I can relate to your wife and we’re in a similarly equal marriage though more in the trenches with the kids- so hopefully a helpful perspective.
Have you thought of romancing her again? And I don’t mean dinner dates in a fancy restaurant. Taking the time to actually chat to each other not about the kids or the bin collections, but about books or experiences, sharing deep thoughts and jokes? Finding a hobby you can do together, even walks or playing board games, so you’re just a couple again and laughing together not just being parents who happen to be married?
When you first have kids it’s all chaos and survival and finding yourselves as parents. Rebalancing 2 into 3 or 4 and making it work without anyone carrying too much constantly. And if you can find a balance that works it can be great, but often the thing that gets dropped it’s the connection between the couple (because in those early years something’s got to give especially if you don’t have a village). And then as time goes the energy comes back, there’s space for recreating that connection - but if you work fine together as married parents it can be all too easy to miss that you dropped the “couple” part and then not be able to understand that it wasn’t the well functioning parents who fell in love with eachother, even if you love each other deeply still. So my advice would be - go back to the beginning, build slowly, get to know eachother again, build intimacy as you have when you first went out together, see her as entire person and help her see you like that.

So many of these threads. It’s almost like there’s a pattern..

Man and woman meet, fall in love, get married, have kids.. sex life falls off a cliff, man gets frustrated, woman shuts down, man either has affair or leaves..

Some questions:
Are male sex drives really this much higher than women’s? Or do they want sex because society tells them real men want sex all the time?
How much of this is a recent problem? Or is it largely caused by late-stage capitalism making us all knackered all the time?

And two comments:
well done to any man who looks in the mirror and thinks, hang on, I may be the problem here.
and well done too to all the women who realise that shutting down might not be the solution.

Good luck, OP. Hope you and your wife find a way through this.

Maybe try the doctors for testosterone gel it could be her hormones most probably is.
Plus young children it's bound to effect her.
Maybe you could gently bring this up with her.
Hope this helps she may need hrt for perimenopause plus testosterone for libido .
Hope this helps .

It’s a recent problem because before 1991 the man could just rape his wife legally.

Working class women have ALWAYS worked.