Wife doesn’t want sex/find me attractive

[Tristezza]

Would appreciate any thoughts or advice.

Both very early 40s, been together 20 years. My wife has virtually zero sex drive and has been that way for 6 or so years. We have sex once every 6 weeks or so and I feel like she does it only that often to try and keep me sort of happy in that department. I’d like it more like twice a week or at very least weekly. We do have 2 young children (youngest is 7) and life is chaotic like everyone with young kids, but we have enough time and energy so it isn’t that.

I have given up trying to instigate sex most of the last year as I feel like I’m just nudging her towards something she really doesn’t want to do, which is a horrible thought. She says she just has almost no sex drive, but says she enjoys it when we do occasionally do it. I can’t expect her to want to do it more just as she can’t expect me to want to do it less, and neither of us would try to tell the other how to feel. So it’s just a mis-match of sex drives I guess?

On top of this (and maybe a contributing factor?), I feel she doesn’t fancy me at all. She never says or does anything to give the vaguest hint that she finds me physically or sexually attractive. The first time I brought this up and said it’s obvious you don’t find me attractive her instinctive response was to blurt out “well I don’t find you unattractive”, which I found pretty hurtful, but she seems to think was just poor choice of instinctive words.

She says that she basically doesn’t find anyone attractive at all. Not quite asexual but almost sounds along those lines from the way she describes it.

For balance, she does often tell me what a great person I am and that I’m a super dad, both of which make me feel good. And she undoubtedly loves me, and she would do anything for me (and vice versa). She’s a great wife in almost all other ways, which is why I want to find a way through this.

But I now feel like we’re two good friends but nothing much more. I’ve lost most of my desire to maintain a romantic affection and do the things you’d otherwise want to do with the love of your life, so don’t have a strong desire to go on dates, cuddle her, hold hands etc. For me it feels hard to maintain that romantic affection where there’s no sexual connection and no attraction (on one side).

Not really sure what I’m asking for here by way of advice. Is this a common thing that at this stage in life you might not particularly fancy your husband any more, and that libido drops off a cliff?
I feel too young to live with a very limited sex life and feeling not fancied by my other half - I’m just over 40, not just over 80! But she’s my wife who I love and I’d never want my family to break up so I don’t know what the answer is - just accept it?

Thanks to those who’ve just taken time to write out their own stories/perspectives - they are really useful to hear to help me not only see it from my own point of view.

The fact you don’t feel like being romantic as sex is off the table in your mind might be a clue for you. I bet she wants you to be romantic without the expectation of sex.

You've had some fantastic responses here OP. Every time this type of thread comes up, I swear the quality of the advice gets better!

So I'm not going to add to it much other than saying, I have gone from rampant to zero and it's taken a lot of soul searching from both me and my DH to get ourselves to a relatively okay place now. Obviously not how we were in our 20s but better than a couple of years ago.

I know it's hard but please, don't stop cuddling her. She needs to feel loved without having to spead her legs and most humans benefit deeply from a no-strings genuine hug.

She's knackered probably with a million one things to do and the top of your priority list is trying to get more sex and blaming her for it not happening .

Your whole post is about being hard done to because you aren't getting enough and it can't be your fault because you are still reasonably attractive.

I've gone off sex with my reasonably attractive husband for the following reasons:

1. After we had children it became clear my life was now 'mum' and his life was now 'Tristan with proof he isn't firing duds'.
2. I became his mum rather than his wife/girlfriend. It's not a sexy feeling.
3. It doesn't matter how attractive someone is, when they leave shit stains in the toilet gor you to clean up you no longer feel like having sex with them.
4. It doesn't matter how attractive someone is, if they leave piss on the toilet seat and fart in bed you don't want to give them blow jobs
5. It doesn't matter how attractive someone is, if they never ever show you any care or affection beyond wanting to shag you, you stop wanting to shag them because you aren't just a pleasure hole for them.
6. Perimenopause is a bitch (for men) it sucks all the baby making hormones out and allows women to re-prioritise what matters and what brings them joy. Quite often it turns out this isn't a man-child scratching his balls and leaving grey stubble clippings in the sink.
7. When was the last time you did something nice for your wife without the expectation of sex afterwards.
8. The snorting/throat clearing/snoring/sniffing that nearly all middle aged men do and not giving a crap about anyone else. Your wife hates it and all the women you work with hate it too.

It's not all about you Tristan - if you can get your head round that you might have a chance.

Bloody awesome!! 👏🏻👏🏻

Think you've just spoken for a million women!!

How much genuine partnering do you contribute as a parent and as someone living in the same house as your wife?

You said life is chaotic but there is enough time and energy - would she say she has enough energy? Mental energy? Physical energy? Emotional energy? Time is sort of irrelevant here.

You say she's 'a great wife in other ways' - what constitutes being a wife, in your mind?

Are there small things you do that really piss her off? Little things that take up her time, like leaving your clothes near the laundry basket but not quite in the basket, coffee cups left near the dishwasher but not in the dishwasher, asking her what's for dinner...

Who does the laundry in your home?

I’ve commented on a few of these threads recently as I hate the thought that men think women aren’t interested in sex/ don’t love them just because a lot of women fall into bed ready to sleep which sounds ridiculous but every single person I know says they’re in bed before ten/ have naps during the day, everyone I know married/ in a couple/ with kids says they wish they could get to bed earlier but their dh/ kids are still up. You say you both have plenty of energy but honestly I don’t know that you can know that. And a lot of women don’t go around telling their dh’s how much they fancy them, men and women are just different that way. Talk to her properly and don’t let a marriage with young kids go down the swanny

That's an incredibly black and white view that might be appropriate if the OP was pestering his wife for sex, but he's not.

OP sometimes people's sex drives decrease for a whole range of different reasons. Sometimes mine almost disappears when my young children are being particularly clingy (I think that's a case of being touched out in general). My DH has lost his when he’s been through particularly stressful times at work. Sometimes physical things can affect libido too.

As long as you're respectful, I don't think there's anything wrong with discussing your feelings with your wife. It might be that there's something she needs from you in order to feel more excited about sex (general intimacy, more time to herself, date nights to reconnect?). Or couples counselling might help.

Op I used to be in a dead bedroom marriage, and I spent a lot of time in dead bedroom groups along with therapy trying to “fix” myself.

My experience is that a lot of men in those groups adopt a sort of script which is as predictable as the cheating script. Men would often pretend to be bewildered at the lack of sex. Nearly all described themselves as reasonably attractive and said they did 50/50 if not more. And this is important, nearly all those men had been having sex with wives who they knew didn’t really want it. And they’d been doing it for a long time, like you have.

another round of applause here 👏

OP talk to her about it. You can start by saying the current status quo isn’t your ideal and asking her what her ideal would be and listening without judgement when she tells you.

take sex off the table for a couple of months deliberately and go on some nights out, day dates, hug, snog, whatever you need to do to feel romantic about each other instead of resentful. It can be all about the slow burn. You said yourself, you don’t want the sex that she doesn’t want/isn’t enjoying, so you’ve got nothing to lose here.

The round of applause was for @PlumPlumb ‘s post of course

Haven’t finished reading thread but wanted to shout out loud at this!!! I FEEL SEEN!!!!

Farting, belching, shit stains, questionable hygiene…. NO I AM NO LONGER DESPERATE TO SHAG YOU 🙄🙄🙄

Try dates, watching a film together, going for a walk holding hands. The young children years are HARD. I often forgot why my DH and I got together, we were just living in the same house doing jobs together, mainly around the children. Having time on our own to remember why we liked each other helped. And I found having sex made me want to have it more (but obviously not if you feel pressured into it, if that’s the case it makes you very resentful).

Good luck, these years are really hard on even the strongest marriages.

Yeah all these things are a turn off for me

No non sexual physical affection
Belching
Drips on toilet rim/floor
Skidmarks
Untreated fungal toe nails.
Lack of effort with physical appearance (decent clothes and footwear)
Walking 6 foot ahead of me
Not noticing how I am
Forgetting to brush teeth

I would love to go on dates again...have someone attentive...wants to be with me. And not just for sex

@Ksforkite thank you for summarising this! It’s so true!

Chortling at @PlumPlumb's tour de force. Cathartic!

I haven’t read the full thread and have name changed.

I have low desire for my husband and although I think he is an objectively attractive man, I’m not attracted to him in the sense that I feel desire for him.

I was always the high desire partner, I really wanted him. He started rejecting me with lots of excuses and when we did have sex it was missing something. This continued and with some poor communication on both sides — he wasn’t kind to me and asked if I was a sex addict, etc., I found his lack of desire so strange after other heterosexual relationships. He never seemed to have a low-level warm desire. Like spooning and just having at least a little whisper of sexual energy. It was just more like hugging a child, nothing.

Ultimately I changed him to an asexual box in my brain and found it easier to cope with if we just existed as best friends. I find general affection a bit heartbreaking as there feels nothing truly romantic or sensual behind it, no vibe. I’d rather not have it at all.

He now wants more regular sex than me but my body just doesn’t respond. My mind and body have changed so much. I used to be a sensual person and it’s all just shut down. I find the way he approaches it doesn’t work for me and his lack of general desire or sensuality makes it an actively unattractive prospect.

Ultimately, I got rejected so much and the sex we did have didn’t work for me, I didn’t enjoy it. Now I don’t want it at all.

It does make me wonder if similar is the case for other women, maybe more women don’t find the sex with their husbands satisfying so eventually it all just shuts down but they don’t have the language to describe it. They just think it’s normal and the typical female way.

This is my second marriage. I know I am a sensual person, I have been all my life. I’ve had to grieve that I will never have that again and it is lost to me, it felt stollen from me. I communicated so clearly about intimacy, how important it was to me, what I liked and didn’t like, he said it was the same for him but it wasn’t true. It turns out he has these issues in every relationship. He believed his own truth at the time when in new relationship energy.

Instead, I enjoy other aspects of my life, partner and relationship that are wonderful. We have happiness and children, I will not give that up for sensual connection although I have considered it in the past.

We are having sex therapy at the moment, we shall see if we’re able to change anything.

By affection I don’t mean smacking my arse when I’m unloading the dishwasher. I mean moments of genuine tenderness where I feel connection, seen or special which is authentic. When he is trying to be more affectionate it makes my skin crawl because it’s fake and performative. It doesn’t have authentic sensual tenderness behind it with no expectation, just because, he just doesn’t have that. He’s either non-sexual (majority of the time), or wants to perform disjointed sex acts until he comes (occasional). I am so turned off.

This.
When parenting takes most of her energy and home is chaotic, sex will be the last thing on her mind. She's constantly running to keep up and the mental load is exhausting, even if you think she's coping fine.
The important thing to get you through until they are not demanding her attention every 2 minutes, is that you keep showing her affection, hold her hand, do little romantic things but not expect sex in return. It keeps the bond between you strong, and the chances are her sex drive will return.
When was the last time you booked a baby sitter and took her out for a meal, or looked after the dcs so she could have a pamper day?

Another woman whose libido has dropped off a cliff here, early 40s! My kids are a similar age to yours and I’m still constantly exhausted. Our lives mostly revolve around their needs and working and I’m the default parent, which is isn’t me complaining about it, i love my kids and want to be a great parent.

i have zero interest in sex, but I do love my husband and I do want to be married (most of the time!) I just pour all my energy into the kids, some into work, some into the house, some into friends and family and I’m knackered.

I think this is very common, I don’t beleive any of my friends with kids are having sex much. No one talks about relationships like before we had kids, we’ve got other things to worry about. I’m not sure what the answer is! More time carved out together maybe?

I really sympathise OP . It sounds like you love your wife and want to try and find a way through.
We are in the same boat and are you and your wife 5 years down the line. I’m perimenopausal and have very little desire . I love my husband but don’t fancy him as much any more.

I’ve put on proportionally more weight, am greying , don’t exercise and generally feel exhausted . I had back pain for a year. Work is very stressful. I run around my kids . I don’t feel sexy .

DH is a good husband, he supports me and my work and is a great father . He is also very grumpy about life and his work.

We rarely have sex - to be honest I don’t enjoy it very much and feel sore towards the end . He has ED. We have got to the every 6 months stage. We have got out of the habit now. I feel sad for DH .

What has helped / why we occasionally have sex.

It has helped that he has backed off. I don’t feel pressured or resentful afterwards.

It helps when we give each other a kiss and full frontal hug. Similarly if we go for a walk and hold hands and talk ( rather than dividing and conquering our weekend). What I mean is “being physically and emotionally connected”

It helps when he is less grumpy and makes an effort with his appearance.

It helps when he does little acts that show me love.

Essentially - what I am saying is that there are lots of things around the edges that help.

We haven’t given up on each other but I don’t have very much hope that this will get much better.

I suspect many people would feel very sorry for my DH if they knew . We are very unlikely to separate because we love each other .

Ultimately , if this future won’t work for you - you will need to separate. There is plenty to work on round the edges .

Has your wife been to see a GP who understands hormones? Her lack of sex drive might be to do with imbalanced hormones. For example, a lady I work with had very very low testosterone. She now has testosterone gel in addition to her HRT spray and is very sexual again (she's also very open about her life when at work 😬)

Have you considered psycho sexual counselling?

It's difficult for you, but I don't feel that withdrawing all affection is a good idea

@Tristezza My dh could have written that. I don't feel any desire whatsoever- none to anyone. It has nothing to do with him. I just don't want sex at all ever. I told him if he can't live with that then leave. I am not going to fake it or force myself. It's just the way I am now- asexual.

Who is it a game changer for? I’m interested because we are having the same issues (he isn’t interested)

Sorry to hear that’s what you have to put up with. My wife doesn’t (and wouldn’t) put up with any of that stuff so it isn’t relevant to our situation but I hope you manage to find a way to get him to sort at least some of those awful traits out.