Wife doesn’t want sex/find me attractive

[Tristezza]

Would appreciate any thoughts or advice.

Both very early 40s, been together 20 years. My wife has virtually zero sex drive and has been that way for 6 or so years. We have sex once every 6 weeks or so and I feel like she does it only that often to try and keep me sort of happy in that department. I’d like it more like twice a week or at very least weekly. We do have 2 young children (youngest is 7) and life is chaotic like everyone with young kids, but we have enough time and energy so it isn’t that.

I have given up trying to instigate sex most of the last year as I feel like I’m just nudging her towards something she really doesn’t want to do, which is a horrible thought. She says she just has almost no sex drive, but says she enjoys it when we do occasionally do it. I can’t expect her to want to do it more just as she can’t expect me to want to do it less, and neither of us would try to tell the other how to feel. So it’s just a mis-match of sex drives I guess?

On top of this (and maybe a contributing factor?), I feel she doesn’t fancy me at all. She never says or does anything to give the vaguest hint that she finds me physically or sexually attractive. The first time I brought this up and said it’s obvious you don’t find me attractive her instinctive response was to blurt out “well I don’t find you unattractive”, which I found pretty hurtful, but she seems to think was just poor choice of instinctive words.

She says that she basically doesn’t find anyone attractive at all. Not quite asexual but almost sounds along those lines from the way she describes it.

For balance, she does often tell me what a great person I am and that I’m a super dad, both of which make me feel good. And she undoubtedly loves me, and she would do anything for me (and vice versa). She’s a great wife in almost all other ways, which is why I want to find a way through this.

But I now feel like we’re two good friends but nothing much more. I’ve lost most of my desire to maintain a romantic affection and do the things you’d otherwise want to do with the love of your life, so don’t have a strong desire to go on dates, cuddle her, hold hands etc. For me it feels hard to maintain that romantic affection where there’s no sexual connection and no attraction (on one side).

Not really sure what I’m asking for here by way of advice. Is this a common thing that at this stage in life you might not particularly fancy your husband any more, and that libido drops off a cliff?
I feel too young to live with a very limited sex life and feeling not fancied by my other half - I’m just over 40, not just over 80! But she’s my wife who I love and I’d never want my family to break up so I don’t know what the answer is - just accept it?

I’m not remotely resentful. I hate the laundry (which is never ending), she hates cleaning and tidying (also never ending). It’s a trade off that suits us both. Doing the school run just works better with my working hours and the kids activities I enjoy. So zero resentment from me. I only outlined it because it was being questioned as to whether I pull my weight or not. I think I do and I think she does too as she does a lot of life admin outside of those visible things I’ve mentioned above.

I work full time and she’s 4 days a week.

Yes, we both work full time.

Well, that's your problem. She's doing just as much full-time work as you, and you still expect her to do all the laundry AND to have sex with you? You probably think your job is more important than hers. And I expect you're grossly exaggerating about how much you actually do anyway.

No, she doesn't work at all, I'm the only provider.

Well, that's your problem. Women like to have jobs too as it gives them a sense of identity away from being a mum or a wife. She probably doesn't feel able to, because she knows you wouldn't do any extra. And I expect you're grossly exaggerating about how much you actually do anyway.

This post has bitter dead bedroom vibes.

While yours are like sweet symphonies sung by angels!

i think, along with many other women, that being attractive with good hygiene matters a lot. I also think the household division matters a lot.

But you obviously don’t which is why you’ve got dead bedroom vibes.

Zero sex drive can be mood or hormone related not necessarily anything to do with you.

In my own marriage we do not have sex anymore, I have had 2 c sections and my hubby is massively overweight and wouldn't even qualify for a vasectomy and I will never take hormonal contraceptive again and I can not get pregnant again either due to health and other issues and also... Hubby can not get a decent erection anymore so condoms are out, as they make that even worse.

We ended up me satisfying him in another way (non penetrative way) and it suits him even though he does want actual sex, he cant seem to anymore anyway.

Marriage is like a life long friendship/commitment/partnership for us now and I think that is ok, even if its not ideal, and feels quite lonely and I do sometimes fantasise it was different like our youthful days in our 20s lol.

I think our household work division is good and my hygeine is spot on. My wife definitely has no complaints on either front and is the sort of person who would (thankfully) speak up if she did. But thanks for the input. It just isn’t relevant in our situation.

Yeah, you'll need to make yourself want to do it less. You can't try and make her want to do it more. That is leading into abusive coercion territory.

Can't you just use your hand sometimes and try and enjoy the sex that you do have.

Either that or you split. But there's no guarantee you'll find another partner who wants sex as often as you.

bloody hell, bit harsh? He clearly said he didn’t want to force her to do anything if she doesn’t want to. He hasn’t indicated Hes pushing for sex anywhere in the post. You’re wiring as though he’s a rapist for not wanting to be indefinitely celibate in his marriage.

@Tristezza OP as upsetting as it is for you, I think after reading all your posts, you are correct and she's not attracted to you and just does not want to have sex with you. I wonder if she hopes eventually you'll give up trying and forget about it.

She owes it to you to be honest so you can both decide how to move forward.

Apart from the cooking - do you do all the meal planning, shopping, and keeping an eye on what is running out in the fridge and cupboards?
When doing the food shop, do you also do the non-food shopping (loo rolls, cleaning products, laundry products, etc) and keep an eye on those stocks?

Apart from ferrying DC to activities, do you also plan these? Have contact details for the organisers? Know the dates they are or are not happening? Mark these dates on a family calendar? Are you on top of paying the fees? Do you know the names of the other parents, or the friends that your DC do these activities with? If DC had an issue with a friend, would you know about it? Would DC come to you to talk about it?
This is the mental and emotional load.

I would echo those mentioning Esther Perel and learn about desire in long term relationships, if you have not already done so. There is a wealth of resource on podcasts on this topic, and it will at least give you a different lens through which to view this if not the amount of sex you would like.

It sounds like things changed when your youngest child is as around a year old. Did anything happen around that time? Did your wife have a difficult birth or ppd?

We have sex once every 6 weeks or so and I feel like she does it only that often to try and keep me sort of happy in that department

Six years of duty sex every six weeks is incredibly damaging. I used to do duty sex and it it killed my libido completely.

Here is a checklist for you:

Personal hygiene - teeth, breath, nails, hair, showering daily, clean clothes
Health - overweight? erectile dysfunction? snoring? excess wind?

Doing 60% to 70% of everything to do with the house and children, including mental and emotional labour (I deliberately didn't say 50%, to make sure you don't over-estimate your contribution or under-estimate hers)

Not treating her like your mum - she doesn't have to clean up after you, organise you, or remember stuff for you. You are not one of the kids.

Noticing what she needs and wants (and checking by asking) - does she need time away from the kids? to go out with friends? to take a long bath with a book? to take an hour doing her hair and beauty stuff? to go and buy some new clothes? to go out to the gym or for a run? to watch six back-to-back episodes of her latest TV series? to go to sleep?
Does she need a hug? Ask.

Are you treating her like you are still courting? making an effort, going on dates, being interested in whatever she talks about, complimenting her, getting to know her (don't think you already know her - it takes a lifetime to know a person and it never ends)

Finally, after doing the above checklist, try six months of foreplay.
Yes, you read that correctly.
Tell her that you want to reset your sex life together, so you don't want her to feel any pressure at all to have sex, and you won't be approaching her for sex for several months.
Then spend six months courting her - starting very, very slowly with holding hands, touching her arm, kissing her cheek, then backing off again physically, whilst at the same time making the effort to show her you love her, do everything you can for her, and getting to know her as a person all over again.

Whilst all the while knowing it may be 5 or more years for her to regain any spark of sexual feeling whatsoever, if she is in the worst of the menopause.

First half - yes, this is totally my responsibility. My wife doesn’t have to think about any one of those things.

Second half - she deals with the admin of the kids clubs and activities. As I said in a previous post. But obviously as the one that takes them I’m the one who knows the other parents and other kids they interact with at the club.

If and when our children have an issues with friends or school they speak to either or both of us.

Hope this helps your evaluation of my performance, let me know what additional info you need.

“I’ve lost most of my desire to maintain a romantic affection and do the things you’d otherwise want to do with the love of your life, so don’t have a strong desire to go on dates, cuddle her, hold hands etc. For me it feels hard to maintain that romantic affection where there’s no sexual connection and no attraction (on one side).”

This stood out to me because I’m going through something similar with my husband now. He seems upset because I don’t want to have sex other than very occasionally, however he also makes no effort to spend any real time with me, or initiate any date nights or anything like that. If we ever go out to dinner together (which happens twice a year at the most) it’s always initiated by me. It’s like he just wants me as a housemaid that looks after the kids and has sex with every week rather than actually spending quality time and connecting with me. It doesn’t make me want to have sex with him at all because the connection is lost. Whereas he thinks if we have sex then that alone will spark the connection but I disagree. Just wanted to give you a female perspective on the opposite end of what you’re going through.

@EuclidianGeometryFan
See all previous answers regarding hygiene and input into running the house and helping her have time for herself. We talk enough to know there are zero issues there from her perspective. She spends half her time thanking me for what I do without realising she does an absolute ton of household admin herself (I do point this out to her).

Second half is noted however. Though it is still a tricky one to even make baby steps with because the process you propose has risks of making her feel like I am pushing for sex just by making those more intimate and affectionate moves you suggest. Someone up thread worded that better than I have here but it’s a concern.
Put it this way - at least 2 people in this thread have interpreted my initial post (where I say I have totally backed off and am staying a million miles from trying to instigate intimacy) as me coercing her and seeing her body as my possession. I can’t imagine how they’d have viewed my actions if I was doing some of the things you’re suggesting I gently bring back into the relationship!

Does she work (outside the home)?

Do you:

1. Do the school runs?
2. Do the food shopping?
3. Do the cooking?
4. Do the meal planning?
5. Do the laundry?
6. Do the cleaning?
7. Do the tidying?
8. Do the dishes?
9. Book GP, Dentist and eye check ups?
10. Do homework with the children?
11. Do the children’s bedtime?
12. Organise the finances, keep and eye on utility bills?

If the answer to any of questions 1-12 is yes @Tristezza, then my next question is does she have to ask you to do this, or do you know it needs doing and get it done without having to be asked?

If she has to ask you to do any of these things then you are essentially another child that she’s having to look after. The only difference is that you want to have sex with her, not just a bedtime story & a cuddle. Add to this exhaustion from carrying the mental load, she’s also probably perimenopausal and her hormonal sex drive is not what it was in her 20s & 30s.

What was the scene on this front prior to DC?

Honestly I think this sounds nearer to the truth in this situation. You sound like you’ve got a fair division of labour OP and of course like any of us, you’re probably not perfect, but if your DW is telling you it’s her not you, then that’s likely to be the truth.

I have certainly become less interested in sex in my 40s and 50s as my body sags and all my hormones are changing, although HRT seems to have changed that slightly. I do also think that sex is one of those things that the less you do it, the less you want to do it and the more overwhelming it becomes as an activity.

It’s difficult to know how to proceed though. Posters are right that of course you can’t force her to want sex. But I also think it’s totally normal to want to have sex sometimes with your life partner and not want to go through married life celibate.

I agree it's a real problem you've backed off on non sexual affection like date nights and cuddling, that absolutely screams a transactional attitude to sex and affection even if thats not your intent.

One option that seems to work for many is to agree not to have sex for a specified time but do hold hands, cuddle, etc so you can rebuild that romantic attachment that is lacking, without any pressure for it to lead to sex. Presumably you showed lots of affection when you got together, which helped her find you attractive enough to marry? You need to get that romance back.

I actually find it sad you don't want to cuddle just because you're not having sex often enough. Not all men are like that.

Exactly, that’s what I don’t want it to end up like. She says she really enjoys it in the moment but just hardly wants it to happen between times, but… I don’t know. Is it possible to have essentially zero sex drive but then really enjoy it once in a blue moon?

Nothing major changed around that time other than doubling of the general stress and energy drain of children as there was now 2. I put it down to that for a good few years but I’m not sure it’s still that at this stage. They are much less hard work for us both than they were a few years ago. But obviously still a lot of time and energy so perhaps that’s all it is until the they’re older.

What you're describing is Responsive Desire. This is more common in females than males, who are more commonly found to have Spontaneous Desire. Look into it, it will open your eyes.

I’ve answered this quite a few times already, I guess from people who want to input but don’t have time to read all previous posts. Will do it one more time. Yes I do all of them other than 5, 9 and 12. And we split 10 and 11. Which makes it look like I do more than half but 5 and 12 are big ones in this house and she kindly deals with both.

She obviously doesn’t have to ask or prompt me
to do any of these. This thread has surprised me a little bit in this regard - I assumed most relationships these things were pretty evenly split these days, but maybe I’m being naïve.

I’m open to where I need to improve and I’m definitely not perfect, but (checks script) I don’t think my input into the household is remotely the issue so I probably won’t keep addressing that suggestion from here on.

the process you propose has risks of making her feel like I am pushing for sex

That is why you tell her beforehand that you won't be pushing for sex for several months - that you want to try a complete re-set.
You have to have an honest conversation and agree to try this as a way forward, before you start.

Do you think she won't believe you?
Could you keep your word? Not have sex for six months, whilst still maintaining affectionate and romantic touching/kissing/cuddling?

I have totally backed off and am staying a million miles from trying to instigate intimacy
This won't work. She needs physical touch and affection, whilst trusting your word and knowing that it will not lead to sex.

And as I said, you have to maintain the romantic and affectionate touching potentially for years, not knowing how many years it will take for her to feel sexual again - perhaps 5 or more years.

You have to learn to live without sex but still keep up the physical affection.

The alternative is divorce, which very frequently works out very badly for men. You may get casual sex elsewhere if you are lucky. But you will have to pay child maintenance and take a massive hit to your standard of living. You might find a younger woman to get into a relationship with, but the new woman will likely want children at some point, then go off sex, and you are back to square one, but with an ex and maintenance in the mix.