Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

What's up with this dude who can't be bothered to meet you, has cancelled meeting you 3 times, but is apparently all fired up to come to your wedding and have a good time on your dime? So fired up that your mom is willing to fuck around and show her unhappiness at your wedding, aka make a scene, if she doesn't get her way and bring Mr. GoodTime.

Your mom sounds like a piece of work. You say your relationship was amazing until this. Have you ever told her no before and put your foot down?

The fact that it was pathetic? The poster even told you why.

It's her wedding she can invite who she wants.
If the mum was posting most posters would say the same.

Well we must be reading different posts, because, no she didn’t say why. She literally just said pathetic. Maybe learn to read?

It’s because people just like to argue that the OP is in the wrong. Like you say, every other post everyone says it’s your wedding, invite who you like, you shouldn’t feel upset only your DH was invited etc. I find the responses on this thread very odd and agree the opposite of the usual MN stance on wedding invites. OP has never even met this man, and her mum is trying to guilt trip her into inviting him or she won’t have a good time. I can’t imagine ever telling my DD I wouldn’t have a good time at her wedding if my new bf wasn’t there. Can’t believe so many people seem to think this is ok.

Your mum is completely in the wrong, there is no doubt, however, I still think you should rise above it and let her boyfriend attend the wedding. It sounds like your mum is important to you and I can guarantee that in 10 years time you’ll be in contact with half of the guests you’ve invited! You never know, the boyfriend might stick anround and in that case it will be a huge positive, if he doesn’t, so what! I know it should be all about you on your wedding day, but the truth is an argument about your wedding could cause a lifelong rift. It’s just not worth it, you’ll be full of regret once the anger passes.

She sounds awful OP but it also sounds out of character which would make me worry. What does your brother say?

If you’ve 80 guests then the hotel is certainly not going to notice one more slipping in during the evening.

Yes you should..

😂😂😂😂😂

I’ve told her no and put my foot down on one major life decision before ( moving far away from her) and she made my life absolute hell and made it all about how she was feeling and totally disregarded the reason why I wanted to move. She stopped talking to me, she refused to see me, she was signed off work for depression, it was a whole drama.

I still moved away and the whole dynamic of our relationship changed. Few years later HTB got a job offered so we moved back closer ( still 1 and a half hour away)

when we was looking to buy a house, she offered to gift us a large amount of money to help us. We was originally looking where she lived, then found a house we loved which was an hour away from her, we viewed it, loved it, got mortgage in principle ect then she told us she was would only give us the money if we brought where she lived. ( we politely declined the offer of money because if was to ‘ help us get settled’ as she always said it wouldn’t matter where we brought. It was another way of trying to control where we brought)

I saw her different after these situations but gave her the benefit of the doubt but now I see how she is selfish and changes completely when you do something we don’t like.

Brother is shocked at her behaviour and is completely on my side. He is very clam and laid back, normally the peace maker and very netural.

I just replied to someone else’s comment about my mums previous behaviour when I gone against her wishes. Please read if you can thanks

Morning Bubsey

I think many of us posters could sense that this is part of something that you’ve kept ‘just out of awareness’ your whole life. There’s some helpful threads on mn; stately homes, immature parents these are full of resources that will help guide you.

peace and love

This screams that she is in an abusive relationship to me. I guarantee this man is telling her she can't go without him. That's why she's behaving out of character and the fact he's cancelled multiple opportunities to meet you also seems like he's isolating her.

I wouldn't budge either OP but I'd keep an eye on things.

Edit: sorry just seen your update about her previous behaviour and it seems she's actually the abuser here. Definitely do not let her get her own way. Tell her if she cares more about some bloke she's just met then she needn't bother coming.

@speakball sadly yes a lot of us have been there and could read between the lines so when I read the op update this morning it was no surprise.

@ThejoyofNC I would say its the new boyfriend in a potentially abusive relationship, the mother is a total self centred attention seeking control freak and is having a hissy cos she cannot control the narrative.

@Bubseybooba sorry to hear the update but not surprised. Shame she cannot let you have your plans without trying to cause a drama but do stick to your guns and if she does not go because she cannot get her own way then just feel sorry for her and enjoy your day. For once this really IS all about you. Do not let her take it from you x

@Genuineweddingone I didn't read the latest before I posted, totally agree

I feel sorry for both of you. Your mum is obviously causing you upset. You are an adult and can/should make your own decisions. Your mum is an adult too but-I don’t know her-she sounds as though she is floundering. She’s had no real stable partnerships and is trying to cling to her children. She’s upsetting you but I see her as lonely. Can you be kind in the face of her childlike tantrum over this? She will regret it and you might, eventually, too. If you have children in the future, you will understand that it’s hard to have an empty nest. Mums are people who make mistakes. We all do.

So she is intensely manipulative when she doesn't have control.

She seems to have some narcissistic traits, and this rage over her not controlling who she brings to your wedding is one.

You've set your boundary and she's been verbally abusive to you about it. You're going to have to set another boundary about that abusive behaviour. You will end the conversation if she starts being verbally abusive or screaming at you.

If she went to the kind of lengths she did over you not moving as close as she wanted, made your life hell, and she's told you she won't be happy at your wedding if she can't bring Mr. Goodtime, I would make other arrangements for her walking you down the aisle asap. I think the odds are high she'll do something to damage your day.

Just remind her, probably by message since she sounds like she’d go nuts ‘mum, I’m only planning to have one wedding, and it’s up to you if you are there or not. If you don’t come I won’t sugarcoat why you’re not there to everyone else. I’ll just say I refused to invite your partner of 8 weeks that I’ve never met and you threw a tantrum and refused to come.‘

Can you be kind in the face of her childlike tantrum over this?

stop with the enabling! The mum is using cruelty as a tool to get the objects, I mean the people around her to do what she wants them to do.

did your toddler swear at you and hang up the phone on you? Did your toddler promise money to you and then withdrew the offer when you didn’t do as they asked?

Be kind be kind be kind be kind.

"Be kind" in this and many other circumstances means "enable the abuser".

I don't know if you read the updates before you posted but this particular mother is a serial abuser.

Just read your update and I can totally see where you are coming from. It explains your decision too.

So frustrating when the story changes. We've gone from the amazing relationship the OP has always had with her mother to two examples of how awful her mother can be and how that changed how OP saw her.

Waste of time.

Complete agree.

A drip feed at page 24 is diabolical!

I am 30 years old. Besides the 2 previous situations and this one me and my mum have had an amazing relationship. I gave her grace on the first two occasions as we’ve already been so great. But I see a patter now. Whenever I go against her wishing everything changes.

if you feel it’s a waste of time to comment, no one is making you.

Carry on justifying yourself. Who knows what the truth is now.

Oh don't be silly.

OP, clearly your mum is being very selfish and controlling. Maybe rethink how involved you want her to be in your wedding at all.

Don’t be ridiculous. What a weirdo comment 😂