Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

Not in many/if any I've been to. It's been close friends and family, who have usually met the couple before because they in turn are an extended family member or friend. Different for an evening invite for that isn't an option for OP.

No,but equally brideszilla “ I must have a perfect day and get my way on all things and be worshipped as THE BRIDE”” is pretty pathetic too. This is a real relationship between 2 people who presumably both have wants and needs and I do think it’s a bit sad a grown woman won’t let her mum have a plus one because she wants her to have nothing else to do but focus on her. Smacks of immaturity to me. Maybe it runs in families….

I bet he doesn't even want to be invited, he's ducked out of meeting you several times already. Your mum sounds a bit barmy.

She shouldn’t be causing a row over this. But equally it seems to be really important to her.
If her behaviour is the real issue then you could uninvite her and wreck any relationship going forward.
You can say he can’t come as numbers have been decided and venue won’t be flexible. Of that means she won’t come then so be it.
But you can’t dictate that she comes alone and is happy to be there.

Begging your pardon I’m sure 🙄

I think its a bit sad that the mother cant let the bride have her own way for her big day. Smacks over over controlling and emotional immaturity.

I am surprised that your mum wasn't just allocated a plus one, even if you didn't want to do it for everybody. The 'unless we know them personally' seems a bit strange tbh, especially when it comes to a parent.

Your behaviour makes me feel sick and if I was your sibling I wouldn’t be going to your wedding if you treated our mother like this. What does your brother think?

It’s not her brothers wedding?! So what has it got to do with him?

‘what does your brother think’ smacks of triangulation. you can see it all on this thread, shame, threats, darvo in all is horrific glory.

The mom tried to get him in after a week of knowing him. She knew that +1s were only going to be invited if personally known by bride or groom.

She's tried to guilt trip and threaten, saying she can't promise she'll be happy if the bnb doesn't come. So she's saying she'll be escorting you down the aisle with a scowl and showing everyone how miserable she is at her own daughter's wedding because she can't bring a person who's a rando to her daughter and groom to be. That's a really nasty move.

Let her tantrum. I'd be telling her if she can't be happy for me, especially without her brand new bf surgically attached, she can stay home and her role in the wedding will be replaced with your choice. I think her actions over this guy have damaged your relationship. You can take a break from her if need be. Hopefully there's others who can keep an eye on what might be an unhealthy relationship.

Yes because they’re talking about themselves really.

which is why a father who swears and shouts at you is abusive but a mother could just be feeling “emotional”

@beAsensible1 yeah even menopause was cited already on the thread. If this was her father she would be told yes he is being utterly ridiculous bringing his newest sidepiece to the wedding to parade her in front of the family and would be told tell him shes not invited and if he insists then neither is he. Different as its her mother though. It is worrying how reveared some women feel they are entitled to be.

feeling “emotional”

or in a tiz, or just feeling strongly. My favourite one I hear sometimes is ‘they’re eccentric’. Makes my Enabler Klaxon go wild.

For the first few pages I thought you were being unnecessarily stubborn in not allowing him to come, but since reading on I’ve changed my mind. You must’ve been through quite a lot with your mum’s love life over the years - three divorces - and now this unknown bloke who won’t even make time to meet up with you. We’ve all had friends like her, everything revolves around the man of the minute.

This thread is absolutely batshit and I’m totally with you OP. I absolutely wouldn’t be inviting him, she’s known him a wet week and her behaviour is absolutely appalling

Where are all the usual posters saying ‘Your wedding, you decide to invite.’???

And for all those saying she could be nervous on the day… this is her family! For gods sake, she’ll know about 50% of the room on the day, I’m bloody sure she’ll be fine.

Also, I notice up thread you say that she’s had 2 more marriages since your dad… who’s to say this relationship (using that term very loosely given it’s only 3months) will last? And will she expect him to be in your wedding photos???

Out of interest… What is the seating set up at the wedding? Will you have a top table with parents, wedding party etc on? Where is this man even going to sit? And when your Mum is running around helping you get ready, preparing for the ceremony etc. what is this man going to be doing?

It’s all a hard no from me. I’d be sending her a calm message saying that she was out of order to speak to you like this, you don’t appreciate her causing you stress over a man she barely knows and she can either get on board with the wedding the way you want it, or she can miss out.

The posters on this thread supporting the mother’s actions and blaming the OP here are bizarre!

The mother has behaved like a spoiled brat. Three failed marriages though - I’m guessing can’t be without a man for 5 seconds. Now grabbing some random down the Fox and Firkin and inviting him within a week to her daughter’s wedding (didn’t even ask her daughter first!). Extremely rude. The only surprise here is that mother and daughter have a generally good relationship.

It is worrying how revered some women feel they are entitled to be

Yes because they’re talking about themselves really

@beAsensible1 and @Genuineweddingone - Nail on head!!

Also explains things like the strange ‘poor’ Katie Price and Markle supporters posters on MN. For some women other women and mothers are always VICTIMS and SAINTS! No matter what they do or have done, Lots of projection here. There are much better women to “worship” or admire than these fools.

I hope your wedding is fantastic OP whatever happens regarding your mother. It’s YOUR day, not your mother’s or anyone else. Every normal person wants the bride to be happy and supports them. I’d be tempted to let her stew in it. She is doing a very good job in trying to destroy her daughter’s wedding and their relationship over nothing. Maybe she will come to her senses 🤷‍♀️ . But regardless unfortunately unless she does it may damage your relationship.

I’ve actually been in your position OP. My dad threw up a huge fuss about guests, wouldn’t back down and caused huge arguments with the whole family. It was my family who begged me to give in and then I finally relented. But I felt exactly like you. Why should I reward this behaviour?

I will say though that I do think you should just let her, not because she has any right but for your sake. You don’t deserve to have a dark cloud over your wedding day. Just let her do what she wants and reassess when the wedding is over.

Also equally surprised at other comments. Being a mother doesn’t give you free rein to act like that.

Her mother's been seeing him for ,3 months, by the summer it will be more than six months. Let's not twist things.

I see your point of view completely. I wouldn’t want him to come either and I’d be really pissed off with my Mum too. Have you any relatives who could mediate?

So what if it will be 6 months? OP doesn’t want him there… so that’s the end of discussion. Let’s also not forget that he has cancelled meeting OP on 3 SEPARATE OCCASIONS!!! The invites have gone out, the places are set, it doesn’t matter how long they’ll have been going out, he’s not included.

Her mother has had a string of failed marriages and relationships, which I’m sure OP has been affected by over the years. Why would she want to be subjected to yet another of her mother's men on her bloody wedding day? Who could potentially be in OPs wedding photos and memories for years to come?

OPs mother is a brat, and needs to be told the day is not about her. She can put up and shut up, or miss out.

OP, I’m really curious about the seating arrangements for the day - can you give us some insight into what you have planned?

Well people keep saying they wouldn't have a boyfriend if a week there. If they just don't think he should go then stop the one week nonsense.

Surprised by a lot of replies. On every other thread where one person is invited and not the partner (long term together or married) where both know the couple and only one half is invited they're told it's perfectly fine or it's the couples wedding they can invite who they want and weddings are expensive etc.
I can't believe the pile on for someone who doesn't wish to invite someone they don't even know that's been around 3 months.
If this was the mother saying her daughter won't let her bring her partner of 3 months so she's not going everyone would be telling her to pull her head in or miss out because it's the daughters wedding.

Ah the inconsistencies and double standards of mumsnet never disappoint.

I'd stick to it OP and if she chooses to miss out over it then let her. She will be upset she did later especially when he's no longer around by next month.
I would not want to meet someone for the first time at my own wedding either.

We refused DHs mother bringing her new boyfriend to our wedding. It caused some upset but she came anyway and knew that people there. He didn't last more than a few months so I'd say we made the right choice. She had many boyfriends within a short space of time.

Not sure what you find so funny about it? 😵‍💫😵‍💫

I really feel for you, OP. Your Mum is putting you into an awful situation and isn't thinking of you here at all.

I don't think she is putting some bloke ahead of her daughter. Shes doing all of the MOB things, she just wanted to have her partner with her as it could be a difficult situation with half of the people there being on her ex's "side" ( I'm not certain of the situation).

OP . Guarantee that there will be at least 5 people that in ten years youcan't remember the name of when you look back at your wedding photos. Everybody does. Also , at least 10 exes who were plus one partners who you've never seen again and 2 people that you can't stand anymore. Chill out, It's one day , if you cdon't like him then don't see him again - see youre mum alone though it doesn't sound like you are super close anyway as you are using fb to track where she's been rather than calling to chat.

I think it's mpre important that your mum is happy and relaxed with someone by her side than that Brenda from marketing gets to bring her boyfriend.
I hope you have a wonderful wedding and everything turns out ok ( and you can def slip an extra person into the evening event) or get him to pay for his meal if it is cost that is bothering you, and your mum would like him there for that. It's a bit sad.