Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

You don't need to defend yourself.

These ignorant people are very luckily completely unaware of how long it takes and what the process is for someone to wake up to the fact that someone you thought loved you has actually been manipulating and abusing you.

Posting this thread has been a sad epiphany for you but I'm pleased for you that you got there younger than I did.

I hope the wedding goes brilliantly.

You are scarily emotionally wired into this!

There is absolutely nothing here that suggests the OP is a Bridezilla. That's just a stupid conclusion you seem to have jumped to.

As I said, I found your post pathetic. If you need more clarification, you attacked the OP based on nothing. You called her a 'spoilt brat'. You ended with the trope about enjoying her life without her mum in it any more. You failed to understand the OP and you attacked her based on your prejudices. Is that clearer for you?

@Bubseybooba it sounds like your mum possibly has these tendencies under wraps most of the time, hence the surface of your relationship is mostly good, but when she feels threatened by your choices, she really loses it and acts out. You are your own person and can make your own decisions. It's obviously really important that she learns that she cannot manipulate you into doing whatever she wants. You've already dropped the rope when she tried to manipulate you about the house/money. It's interesting that she's chosen this as the hill to die on. Maybe this new boyfriend is destabilising to her and bringing out her worst tendencies. In any case, this is not your problem. I second the suggestion about the Stately Homes thread.

You can no longer go back to the previous relationship with your mum, now that you have joined the dots and come to your new realisation about her. You can’t really win now OP. I’d say acceptance is the key. You can’t carry on wishing and hoping she were different.

So as I see it, your choices are:-

1. You keep her happy in order to reduce the drama in the run up to the wedding and on the day, by adding him to the guest list (paying for an extra guest) and telling your mum the venue has agreed he can arrive after the speeches when her MOB duties are over.
2. You dig your heels in, refuse to invite him and force yourself to get over the ensuing drama between now and the wedding as well as on the day itself. You find somebody as a stand in to help you with your dress and to walk you down the aisle as anything could happen in this scenario at any time, -you aren’t in control of your mum’s opinion.

It’s a terrible thing when the truth suddenly dawns on you about a parent, especially this close to your wedding. I hope you get the support you need from your brother and fiancée.

We've gone from the amazing relationship the OP has always had with her mother to two examples of how awful her mother can be and how that changed how OP saw her.

It’s not unusual for people not to realise how mean their parents actually are. Some never do. Some can’t. Some think they’re being good people by ignoring abusive traits.

You'll have lost a lot of support with that comment. Do better.

I’m ok with that. Thank you and have a great day ☺️

Who knows what the truth is now.

Hands up if your parent used to call you a liar to get you to shut up about their abuse?

Please don't use Karen in that way. It's a horrible, sexist slur.

its not a sexist slur. Being a ‘Karen’ is a way in such someone acts/carries themself, it is not defined by one gender. But you are welcome to your opinion. Thank you

You'll have lost a lot of support with that comment. Do better.

Op should say that to her mum every time her mum tries to use op’s feelings against her for her own gain.

Sorry, do you think they’d actually take note of who was going in and out of the venue🤣?

They would say oh don’t look for Jane, she went at 8.40 pm with a migraine, Steve also went early as the babysitter called at little Jimmy had been sick?

I think you need to be realistic about how rescues work!

Classy.

That PP isn't wrong though, you have completely re-written your relationship with your mum, you've gone from 'amazing relationship' and 'never spoke to me like that in 30 years' to 'oh yes she's done this before a few times and completely cut me off in the past'.

FWIW I think you are being selfish, flat out saying no to your mum asking to bring someone when the wedding is almost a year away is very inconsiderate and infantilising, you could have easily batted it off into the long grass, or compromised or took a 'wait and see' approach, but you were obviously offended at the mere suggestion that her attention be on anyone else but you on the day so have dug your heels in massively and given a firm no without even considering it! THEN you conceded he could come as an evening guest, but 'oh look, you can't have evening guests at the venue'. How convenient.

You could easily have dealt with it closer to the time, and had him there as an evening guest, by including him as a full guest and just tell your mum and him that he is welcome to come in the evening only after all the formalities, so your 'compromise' was obviously a load of bullshit to backtrack on how unreasonable you know you were being by demanding she come alone.

You both sound selfish and self centered to be honest, it's no wonder you're both at loggerheads.

It’s a sexist slur, you need to educate yourself.

have a nice day

My mum met the man once in person and was talking to him for 9 days when she first asked. I think it is very rational to say no but ok thank you for your feedback.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond, positive or not. I’ve got a lot of knowledge from this post and appreciate it.

i am finishing the thread now. Thanks again!

To be honest this illustrates your issue with your mum perfectly, you just can't accept responsibility for anything.

You offended her by immediately shutting her down instead of considering her request, or postponing a decision on it, then when she told you 'she was disappointed and was allowed to feel disappointed' in your final decision, you've told her she's not allowed to feel that way as it's YOUR day and she should feel nothing but happiness for you. Even now, instead of talking about it rationally, you continued to insist that you are right and she is wrong, and now you're threatening to remove her from her duties if she doesn't pretend to be happy about it all.

Yes, Karen IS a sexist slur.

I think it is very rational to say no.

I don't think it is personally, I think it's rational to say, 'you've only met him once, let's wait till final numbers are needed next year and we'll talk about including him then' or, 'I'm not going to say no, but I'm not going to say yes, until I've had chance to get to know him a bit better'.

Immediately saying no when the wedding is nearly a year in the future was more about you being offended at the suggestion, and you telling your mum how you feel about her and her choices in life, and absolutely nothing to do with the wedding itself IMO.

Not me

When the story changes from the amazing relationship she has with her mother, wanting her mother with her getting ready for the wedding, walking her down the aisle and now is this horrible controlling mother who wants to control where she lives, withdraws financial support then how do we know the truth?

Well your attitude makes it pretty clear that you are at least as much the problem as your mother.