Fallen out with mum

[Bubseybooba]

I am getting married in the summer. My mum met a man 3 months ago and is now in a relationship with him. She asked me after 1 week if he can come to the wedding and I said no. We had a big argument and later agreed to leave the conversation until nearer the time.

between then and now we’ve had 3 further arguments about him coming and agreed on him coming to the evening as a compromise. My venue has now informed me evening guests aren’t allowed as it’s a twilight wedding. ( never planned to have evenings guests, he would be the only one)

I told my mum and she said she is very disappointed and it will be a hard day for her. I said I want her to be happy and present on the wedding day and she said she can’t guarantee that and she’s allowed to feel how she feels.

i told her she should be as happy and the day should be as special with or without him. I don’t understand how someone she has known 3 months holds so much importance on her daughter’s wedding day.

I said to her maybe it’s best we leave him coming because it’s causing added stress and strain on our relationship when I want to be happy and excited in the lead up to the wedding. She started shouting at me, told me to fu*k off twice and hung up the phone on me. In my 30 years she has never spoken to me like this.

I am so upset as the day shouldn’t be about him. I just want my mum to be happy and present regardless of who else is/isn’t there. She is meant to be walking me down the aisle, getting me in my dress ect but I feel like this will change between us after this.

please share your opinions. Thanks

Much clearer thanks. And to be clear to you, I didn’t attack the OP. My words were not based on nothing, nor were they based on prejudice, but in fact based on her many replies to postsers. I didn’t call her a spoilt brat, I said she sounds like a spoilt brat, there’s a difference. If she carries on the way she is (and her mum too for that matter), the fallout between them will only get wider, so yes, a future without contact from her mum is on the cards. I understood her perfectly.

I completely understand your point op. Your mum sounds like mine. Incredibly selfish and more concerned about the optics of the event than anything else. It's ludicrous that she is saying she won't be able to enjoy your wedding or be present as she will be without her partner of 3 months. The fact that she is your mum should allow her to be present and enjoy it, there isn't one single thing that would stop me from enjoying my daughter's wedding.

My mum has caused similar drama and as such she has a different man in every single wedding photo of my brother's and sisters, the new partner refused to step out of any photos so photos of significant family members also include some random man that no one speaks too or sees anymore. None of us can have wedding photos out that include family as she now doesn't want to see them.

I don't think you should be letting him come and think your mum needs to think long and hard about priorities. But, if he does come, try and make sure family photos remain family photos.

Yes I can see why your mother and you fall out regularly.

There are also actual people who were named Karen at birth . It’s not very nice for them either to have it thrown around as a slur.

If you had bothered to read the thread ypud have seen where op states her dad physically cannot walk her down the aisle as he cant walk the distance. Its not a "strange choice" you just havent read properly.

Parents are only human. We all make mistakes when emotions are high. It takes an adult child to see this.

I did read them. ‘Abuser’ is a very strong word in this situation.

Incredibly selfish and more concerned about the optics of the event than anything else.

its a common feature of difficult families I got used to feeling like family get togethers were like a chimps tea party where we were pretending to be a family by gathering in the same room now and again with food but something was very amiss but no one dare say. The point of being there was to be seen doing family and for people to be satisfied everyone was playing their role.

Only there’s no honesty or support and so many awful things that can’t be acknowledged. And the cruelty is Always. Just. Below. The. Surface.

Not if you read the history. A string of "do things my way or I'll make such a fuss about it you'll regret it" coercive control incidents during the OPs life culminating with shouting abuse down the phone about the wedding.

Abuser’ is a very strong word

abuse covers any attempt to control a persons thoughts and decisions in a way that benefits the abuser at the other persons expense. it is the use of people as an object, hurdle etc. It’s not seeing that the other person has their own personal inner world that you don’t get to screw about with to get your way.

This all said the word abuser is eminently appropriate in the ops situation

That was a drip feed of epic proportions that your mum is actually a bit of a narcissist!

Why are you saying that you have amazing relationship with her?

For all those saying that OP has given a massive drip feed… I would say I have an amazing relationship with my mother. But we also have had major disagreements and one falling out that led to a period of NC for 3 years. Doesn’t mean I don’t have an amazing relationship with my mother now.

NC for three years does not make me in anyway think “amazing relationship”.

Well you can think what you like. Every relationship is different and has ups and downs. To me, and my mother, we have an amazing relationship.

Yes I suppose we all have differing levels of what’s “a fantastic relationship”, as the majority on this thread think, OP and her mother have far from a “fantastic relationship”.

Well I can see you’re being a bit facetious with that comment and that’s fair enough. But my mother is my ride or die, she is the person I turn to with all of life’s wins and difficulties, and it works the opposite way too. Just because we had a falling out years ago, and other more minor disagreements, doesn’t mean we don’t have a fantastic relationship now. In fact, our relationship is probably stronger and healthier for it as it allowed me to lay down my boundaries very clearly and we moved on in a healthier way.

So yes, people can have serious failings out with people and still have an amazing relationship after that. Which OP obviously feels she has had with her own mother.

I think ops relationship with her mother was good primarily when she said yes to her mother. It is when she said no or otherwise declined that mother’s true colours showed.

It seems so, I really hope OP holds firm here. Her mother is completely out of order. Can’t imagine treating my child like that, during such an important and special time for so many (and I’m the least romantic person you’ll meet), over a man I’ve known for weeks. It’s pathetic frankly

You just want your Mum to be happy ? In that case you should have said yes he can come. What skin off your nose was it really?

No she is manipulating you because she wants her way. Tell her your an adult and will not be spoken to like that by anyone her new random partner is not welcome at your wedding because you don’t know him if she continues she won’t be welcome either as she’s being toxic.

That's what's makes my relationship with my mother amazing - the NC part 😂

Your mum needs to grow up, get her priorities right and support you on your big day. My dd1 got married and I was there alone, her Dad was there with his then recent wife, I couldn't give a fig about it. I gave a speech, supported her and enjoyed the day not 1% of it was about me.
I hope your day is everything you ever dreamed of.💕

WTF are some of you lot reading?
It's sure as hell not the thread I'm reading..
@Bubseybooba I'm so sorry. You haven't done anything wrong, & I'm so sorry your mother has hurt you so much. Oh, actually, maybe you could have typed your original post just in bullet points, for those here who are hard of understanding.. WTH?