To never be a wife

[Whatwouldyoudonow]

I've been with my partner over 20 years since we were young. We got together and had children in our teens, I became a SAHM and he worked hard to support us. He asked me to marry him a few years down the line and I said yes. We had more children and were so busy with life that marrying wasn't a priority for either of us and to be honest I wasn't overly bothered about rushing to get married when I was younger. At that age you feel like you've got all the time in the world. We talked about it a while ago, we're older now and I hoped we would marry in the next few years and he seemed on the same page about it during those conversations. However, he's recently made it clear that he doesn't want to marry me, ever. He says we've been together so long and doesn't see the point now, apparently it's only a piece of paper after all. I don't want a big wedding, a registery office would be fine. I want a marriage, to vow our commitment to eachother, to be eachothers next of kin, to call him my husband and to have his name for however many years we have on this earth. He doesn't seem to care how upset I am about it but he wanted the same only a few years ago, to get married eventually. I'm sure many people will say this is why you don't have children before marrying, if it meant that much why has it taken over 20 years etc but it happened and I can't change any of what we've done in the past. We can only move forward and change the future. I feel hurt, rejected, embarrassed, resentful even and i'm finding it difficult to feel the same about him so it's really been affecting our relationship. I can't get over these feelings no matter how hard I have tried. I don't want to throw away our relationship, it's been very tough at times, but we've made it all these years and I always thought we'd be together forever. My feelings have surprised me as I didn't realise being married meant this much to me until he decided it was off the table. I guess I just don't know what to do or how to make myself accept and be ok with the fact he doesn't want to get married to me. Has anyone been through similar, how did you get over feeling this way?

It’s not a piece of paper
It gives you financial and legal protections
you are sadly very vulnerable right now

Are you still a SAHM? If so, your priority needs to be your own financial protection. You need to figure out how to get back to the workplace ASAP, and he needs to be responsible for childcare costs while you retrain and pay his fair share when you find a job. Honestly this is far more important than worrying about the how's and why's of how you ended up in the situation.

Are you on the deeds of the house, and back in employment now?
Prioritise your financial independence as a matter of urgency.
This citizens advice link shows all the things you don't have, being just boyfriend and girlfriend.
An important piece of paper, like money, other legal documents, passports.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

If it's "just a piece of paper" to him, what's the big deal in giving you what you want?

Is it the "big white wedding" he doesn't want, or the actual marriage? Would he be willing to discuss the two of you eloping to Gretna? A weekend away & not hugely expensive.

Agree with PP that it's obviously far more than just a piece of paper. It's a binding legal contract. If you own property together being married makes a huge difference in inheritance tax, and other legalities

It is not fair on you that he has changed the goal posts & just swept it under the carpet. But ultimately if he doesn't want to marry you, you can't force him. You can however leave him without needing a messy divorce.

I would bear in mind that if you were to separate neither of you would have any legal rights or claim to each others financial pots. So despite you being a stay at home mom and allowing your partner to continue his career, YOU would have zero claim on any savings/pension.

He says we've been together so long and doesn't see the point now, apparently it's only a piece of paper after all.

So is a degree, a summons and a title deed to a house. But they aren't, are they? Protect yourself legally.

If it's "just a piece of paper" to him, what's the big deal in giving you what you want?

I was wondering this.

I mean, I don't agree with his summary, but if that is all he thinks it is, then why not crack on ?

TAX PLANNING
and being recognised as next of kin when someone lands in hospital, or worse in the morgue.

these are reasons to get married after 20y

Do either of your have a will in place?
What's the deal with your house? Do you have a mortgage? Are both your names on there?

I also didn’t want to get married… until I realised that being a SAHM means I am connected and dependant on this man financially. If he were to pass away there would be a risk I would be on my own with no money. Rubbish end to 18+ years together and five children. So we got married - not a fancy celebration, but a signing of a certificate with the children as witnesses (£400 at the registry). I didn’t need the bells and whistles, just peace of mind.

I would just speak to him - with more information. Does he care enough to make sure you have money/housing/pension if he passes away? Sometimes, it takes money to make them understand - he can pay hundreds to mess around with paperwork and wills and lawyers, or he can spend (probably less) on a very simple registry office and 15 minutes of this time. Also mention that if he were to need medical attention, would he want the next of kin to be you automatically, or his Mother / siblings?

…or you could just tell him this is very important to you, for all the reasons you have mentioned above.

Good luck op.

Being totally unromantic.

I think, at this stage in life you can put in writing and law almost every protection that marriage provides and more via wills and LPoA. With the exception of inheritance tax benefits if your house is valuable enough for that to matter.

The two key life stages where marriage carries real benefits are

1. pregnancy/ childbirth and the risks to your health and consequences to your future employment, risks of a disabled child and care defaulting to the women and man leaving.
2. being a financially dependent SAHM, and having sacrificed career tragectory and pension contributions whilst doing this.
3. Later life when chances of one of you dying increases ultimately to the point of certainty, and inheritance rules. Probably a way off.

The second one applies to you, and is possibly the reason why your partner doesn't want to marry as it is potentially a very expensive decision for him!

I'm still a SAHM. No wills in place, he's says they're not worth the paper they're written on. I wanted us to do our wills recently but he won't do it. House is a joint mortgage.

Joint tenants or tenants in common?

You are very vulnerable and he's taking advantage of you. No wonder he says it's only a piece of paper.

I don't think he does care about that, no. No matter what i've said he has an answer for everything and won't change his mind. I'm glad your husband cared enough for you and the children that he married you.

I don't know

That's a pretty big thing not to know in your position.

I think you need to find that out, if you are tenants in common then you need to think about setting up a life insurance policy against you partners life to buy out whoever inherits his half of the house should he die.
If he genuinely has no will it will be your children, if he's lying you could be royally f**ked.

And then build a new patio for DP.

What exactly did he say when you asked him what happens if he dies?

Exactly.

If you cohabit but aren't married or in a civil partnership, when one of you dies, depending on the value of your assets, you could be clobbered with a large inheritance tax bill.

There are no exemptions between unmarried partners, unlike between married/ civil partnered couples. There is the usual exemption of £325k but if you have a paid off house, savings, and from next year, a decent pension pot, that could easily be exceeded and the surviving partner would have a tax bill to pay. This is irrespective of what is written in your Wills.

Apparently there has been a surge in older people who have cohabited for decades getting married/ civil partnership, and the potential IHT is a huge factor in this trend.

We recently got married in our 60s. We never saw the point, both worked and earned similar wages, the house was all sorted in a will etc. I then realised if he died his pension would die with him (civil service) and I’d be short of money and probably have to go back to work. We did a quick trip to the registry office…!

Even if he does leave his half of the house to you, if you’re not married you might have to pay inheritance tax. If it’s just a meaningless piece of paper to him then there’s no reason for him not to do it to protect you. Frankly he sounds like he’s up to no good - either trying to trap you so you can’t leave, or line himself up so he can.

I really appreciate everyone's replies and advice, I just need to reiterate that he WON'T get married and I can't force him to (unfortunately). I really wish he would change his mind because I love him and wanted to share our lives and grow old together. Now I just don't know

God, these selfish, shitheaded men make me so angry.

This sounds lovely, many congratulations. I would be happy to do a registery office or anything really. I want a marriage not a wedding.