To never be a wife

[Whatwouldyoudonow]

I've been with my partner over 20 years since we were young. We got together and had children in our teens, I became a SAHM and he worked hard to support us. He asked me to marry him a few years down the line and I said yes. We had more children and were so busy with life that marrying wasn't a priority for either of us and to be honest I wasn't overly bothered about rushing to get married when I was younger. At that age you feel like you've got all the time in the world. We talked about it a while ago, we're older now and I hoped we would marry in the next few years and he seemed on the same page about it during those conversations. However, he's recently made it clear that he doesn't want to marry me, ever. He says we've been together so long and doesn't see the point now, apparently it's only a piece of paper after all. I don't want a big wedding, a registery office would be fine. I want a marriage, to vow our commitment to eachother, to be eachothers next of kin, to call him my husband and to have his name for however many years we have on this earth. He doesn't seem to care how upset I am about it but he wanted the same only a few years ago, to get married eventually. I'm sure many people will say this is why you don't have children before marrying, if it meant that much why has it taken over 20 years etc but it happened and I can't change any of what we've done in the past. We can only move forward and change the future. I feel hurt, rejected, embarrassed, resentful even and i'm finding it difficult to feel the same about him so it's really been affecting our relationship. I can't get over these feelings no matter how hard I have tried. I don't want to throw away our relationship, it's been very tough at times, but we've made it all these years and I always thought we'd be together forever. My feelings have surprised me as I didn't realise being married meant this much to me until he decided it was off the table. I guess I just don't know what to do or how to make myself accept and be ok with the fact he doesn't want to get married to me. Has anyone been through similar, how did you get over feeling this way?

Does he understand what it means not to get married

I know it's my own fault, I was young and in love and didn't think of the bigger picture. We live and learn.

Reading all these replies, I see now why he's so adamant not to marry me. It's been an eye opener for sure and I will be rethinking our life together now

I think you need to focus your energy on getting a job with a decent pension scheme, and checking the status of your home ownership so at least you know where you stand.

This is why DH and I got married after nearly 30 years together.

Unfortunately you HAVE to protect yourself and your children. At least find out if you are tenants in common; keep some savings in your own name ASAP; get a job if you haven't got one already. This is not a man who wants to live, cherish and protect your interests.

It isn't your fault, OP. Yes, in an ideal world you would have been less naive and refused to have children with him / become a SAHM without the protection of marriage. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and all that. But now you are telling him that without marriage you are vulnerable and he is still refusing to marry you. That's on him being a selfish cunt.

Honestly, I'd tell you to leave him, but without more information about your financial situation (i.e. if you own any of the house) it's unwise to do so. But I would absolutely be looking to return to work and gain some financial independence. He can cover the childcare, and if he doesn't like it then he can bloody well marry you.

If you see the link I posted you can see how you have no legal protections, if you're not on the deeds of the house, the man could make you homeless any time.
What about your pension? Savings? Your future?
You can't afford to be out of employment and dependent on this man a minute more.

I hate to say it but this smacks of a man who, 20 years down the line, hs decided that he "has worked hard all my life and if this relationship ends, I don't see why she should get all my hard earned cash", completely ignoring that you have been facilitating this by looking after the children.

If he dies, I assume, at the very least, the children are his next of kin. But his refusal to even consider a will is, for me, even more of a concern than the marriage b ecuase it speaks to a pre-mediated effort to cut you out. Are you even certain he doesn't already have a will? The mortgage and house is in both names, so I guess that's something, but I think you are insanely vulnerable at this point. What kidn of work has he been doing all these years? Does he have a good pension?

How have your finances worked all these years? Are they shared? Are they vsibe? Do you have equal access?

I feel that someone you've been with for 20 years would understand the financial vulnerability you face as you both get older and would want to put SOMETHING in place to manage that. The fact that he doesn't, is very worrying. Best case, he's just a typical man who honestly thinks you shouldn't worry your "little head" about it, but I'd be concerned.

This is a scary situation.

I get that he is not budging, but what is his argument for not protecting you if he died? Wills are absolutely worthwhile. Where has he got the idea that they ‘aren’t worth the paper they’re written on’?

If he wants you to carry on being at home, then he marries you. Otherwise you have to do what he is doing and put yourself and your security first.

It would take very little - his head being turned, a midlife crisis, an accident - and you are up shit creek.

Please don’t be passive about this. Unless he has a plan to make sure you are ok (which his reluctance to get a will is suggesting he doesn’t) He is showing that he doesn’t care about you.

Are you ok with that? I’m worried for you.

If it's 'only a piece of paper', then why is he dead set against it suddenly?
(That would be my question to him).

If it's just a piece of paper and doesn't mean anything why not do it simply because it's important to you? The truth is that marriage offers certain protections, particularly to someone who has been a SAHP for some years. Why would he not want you to have that protection? What does he think he would lose by giving you more security?

I am worried about you too. You have missed out on two decades of building a career, building a pension, building your own savings just to support him doing that for himself and now he's saying that you are on your own if anything were to happen to you as a couple. You are completely seperate financial entities and at most he will pay you child maintenance if you separate but you can't live off that in your old age.

I guess there is no time like the present. You need to get yourself a relevant education, preferably a job in the civil service so you will get an OK pension and fuck him basically. He has shown you that you have been a helpful partner to him for decades but he is not willing to be a helpful partner in return.

Ok, so as you've said 'he WON'T get married and I can't force him to (unfortunately)' you need to prioritise yourself. Let's say you own half the house, but does he have higher savings than you? More pension? You are still a SAHM so you don't have his earnings or his earning potential. That's the first thing that needs to change, URGENTLY. Get a job. Work on your career. Move up. Re-train. Save like mad. Pour money into your pension, if at all possible (in the meantime make him pour money into your pension). He pays for half of any childcare / does half of the school runs, freeing you up to work full time. This is probably something you should have done long ago but no point beating yourself up about that now - but things have to change TODAY, otherwise you are very very very vulnerable.

What @rubyslippers said

He says we've been together so long and doesn't see the point now, apparently it's only a piece of paper after all. I don't want a big wedding, a registery office would be fine. I want a marriage, to vow our commitment to eachother, to be eachothers next of kin, to call him my husband and to have his name for however many years we have on this earth.

You have zero legal protection and have made yourself unbelievably vulnerable. He has no legal responsibility for you.

The name changing thing makes me want to vomit at the best of times but you are entitled to call yourself whatever you want and could easily change your name via deed poll (although I have no idea why you would).

You need to start protecting yourself OP.

CS are shedding thousands of roles and OP’s lack of experience isn’t going to make it easy to get a job there.

He sounds incredibly selfish and has pulled the rug from under you. It must be a horrible shock. I agree with PPs, get yourself a job asap and it might also be safe to assume he's planning to dump you as soon as he is no longer liable for child support. He hasn't upheld his side of the bargain at all.

How old are your children? I got the impression they would be in their teens from you saying you had them young and have been together 20 years.
If they are of an age to get themselves to and from school etc then that's a help in your move to independence.
I agree with PPs, it does sound like he is checking out of your relationship so you really need to get your financial independence back even if you stay together for convenience
Good luck,!

My male relative was like this. Wouldn't marry his lovely gf despite living together for 20 odd years. Didn't want to lose any of his money if they divorced.

Only changed his mind when she got terminal cancer and he realised he wouldn't be entitled to her pension.

OP, I think you have to re evaluate how much your partner actually cares about you. You say you love him, but his attitude might make you change your mind.

You need to get independent.

Yeah, it's tough getting anything anywhere at the moment. Hopefully OP can get started on getting an education and by the time she's done things will have improved.

Men know which side of their bread is buttered. And sadly, we have convinced a generation that marriage is just a piece of paper.

I will have a look now. Thank you.

I've really been such a mug. I feel so stupid and no one whether it be family or friends have ever mentioned any of this. I just didn't even consider it, I have no excuses.

Have you ever worked?