To never be a wife

[Whatwouldyoudonow]

I've been with my partner over 20 years since we were young. We got together and had children in our teens, I became a SAHM and he worked hard to support us. He asked me to marry him a few years down the line and I said yes. We had more children and were so busy with life that marrying wasn't a priority for either of us and to be honest I wasn't overly bothered about rushing to get married when I was younger. At that age you feel like you've got all the time in the world. We talked about it a while ago, we're older now and I hoped we would marry in the next few years and he seemed on the same page about it during those conversations. However, he's recently made it clear that he doesn't want to marry me, ever. He says we've been together so long and doesn't see the point now, apparently it's only a piece of paper after all. I don't want a big wedding, a registery office would be fine. I want a marriage, to vow our commitment to eachother, to be eachothers next of kin, to call him my husband and to have his name for however many years we have on this earth. He doesn't seem to care how upset I am about it but he wanted the same only a few years ago, to get married eventually. I'm sure many people will say this is why you don't have children before marrying, if it meant that much why has it taken over 20 years etc but it happened and I can't change any of what we've done in the past. We can only move forward and change the future. I feel hurt, rejected, embarrassed, resentful even and i'm finding it difficult to feel the same about him so it's really been affecting our relationship. I can't get over these feelings no matter how hard I have tried. I don't want to throw away our relationship, it's been very tough at times, but we've made it all these years and I always thought we'd be together forever. My feelings have surprised me as I didn't realise being married meant this much to me until he decided it was off the table. I guess I just don't know what to do or how to make myself accept and be ok with the fact he doesn't want to get married to me. Has anyone been through similar, how did you get over feeling this way?

You are absolutely stuffed I'm afraid . Do you have any form of private pension at all. Have you checked your state pension through the Government gateway. You may have no pensions whatsoever . If you marry after he starts claiming any private pension you will have no claim on it if he dies. Do you know that , if he dies, his half of the house passes to you? He may have set it up so he can leave his half to any other member of his family.

Yep, I'd suggest something entry level in the nhs - cleaner, porter, HCA, patient transport, admin so that she doesn't just get her own income but gets access to an above average pension scheme, and she can potentially progress in the health service with time.

Agree he's had all the milk for free why is he gonna buy the cow now, he's looking out for himself

Martin Lewis did an episode on this. I’ll try to link it. Would he listen to a man explaining the importance of marriage? If you watch this together would it help? https://www.itv.com/watch/the-martin-lewis-money-show-live/2a1827/2a1827a0166?utm_source=chatgpt.com

Thank you, it's horrible isn't it. Sending hugs back to you and hoping you sort it out one way or another.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, the bad guys so often disguise themselves as the good guys. You and your children deserve so much better, what a tw*t!

You’re in an incredibly vulnerable position if you don’t get married. What is your plan if things go wrong?

Unfortunately you are either in a relationship with an idiot or a very selfish man.

If he dies tomorrow and you are a SAHM what happens to the mortgage payments, does he have life insurance in place with you as the beneficiary which would enable you to be able to continue to pay it or would you and your five children have to navigate grief and selling the property.

Your inheritance tax burden is greater as cohabiting partners anything over £325k falls within IHT at potentially 40%.

More concerning is the message that you were good enough to produce children but not enough to make a declaration that would afford you legal and financial protections.

Now is the time for a very overdue conversation and an ultimatum. Best of luck.

you're not stuffed op, yesterday you were stuffed. Today you have options. I am rebuilding from ground zero, its scary, but "waking up" is the most painful point.

I’d be concerned mostly that he used to say he wants to get married, but now changed his mind and apparently is very committed to this new stance. I’ve known people who were always adamant they don’t want to marry - aware of what it means, both sides ok with it- that’s fair enough, maybe not the best financial choice, but fair enough. But that sudden change would make me worried, OP. You say youngest is in primary- can you start looking for a job? Upskilling? I’d get on with either or both sooner rather than later.

This. What happens if he dies or trades you in? What financial provision has he made for you?

Is it just the word ‘marriage’? Would he become civil partners? This doesn’t come with the same baggage maybe but brings all the protections of marriage.

Definitely get back into the work force as soon as possible. If it all goes wrong you will be able to claim universal credit to top up your income but it would be easier if you already have a job.

Definitely get some savings in your name, if he forced a house sale you need to think about how you would house yourself and your children.

My mother was a registrar . She married so many couples who had lived together for 40 years and had suddenly realised that if they were unmarried there was no passing of pensions from one to the other if one party died . Its no good if one/ both parties start claiming a pension and then decide to marry. Too late, the door is shut forever. Lots of weddings took place on a Friday afternoon with just the couple and 2 witnesses because one party was retiring the following week.

There is one particular thing i've stopped doing! I still do all the childcare, housework, cooking, washing, etc though

Now DH was pretty soppy about getting married and I didn’t see the point - until I discovered that inheriting his half of our house would require me to pay tax.

tax planning. Only sensible reason to get married imho

Good grief! I used to work for a bank. Wills and marriage certificates are absolutely worth the paper they are written on! I have seen all sorts of horrors when people die and people can’t access their money or have to pay inheritance tax etc. You’ve been together 20 years, that’s more than most marriages last. After all this time, I can’t believe he wouldn’t want to ensure that you an the kids would be okay without him and visa versa.

What would that be....and is he looking for someone else to do it? ....

I would almost assume that he either already has someone on the side or is looking for someone else. Why else would he not agree to marry after all these years.

He says we've been together so long and doesn't see the point now, apparently it's only a piece of paper after all

Oh he sees the point alright. Which is why he doesn't want to get married.

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I'm sorry this is happening to you, and you're right - there is nothing anyone can say because what's done is done. I guess the question is are you going to leave him over it or stay put

Hi OP, please don't let this completely undermine the value of your relationship.
You have been together for a long time and he has supported family whilst you have been a Sahm, both vitally important contributions to family life.
If I were you, I would defer talking about this with him right now.
When the tension has settled, you can look into the legal framework surrounding you not being married and what to address in the best interests of all.
Remember that your partner is wanting to be with you.
Don't throw away your history and good times for this

What you have to do if you aren't protected is work. He will then have to do 1/2 the household and parenting tasks as.well as.pay for childcare.

In a matter of fact tone. He won't agree to the protection of marriage, you have to protect yourself.

I think people think because being a partner counts for benefits, it works both ways but it doesn't.

You're currently not his next of kin, entitled to any equitable interest in the house, if you're not on the deeds and pretty much got as many rights as the next door neighbour to his estate, which is none.

You need to separate now, whilst you’re young enough to start again, whilst you still have many years where he has to pay a significant amount of child maintenance tenancy and where he has to do his own washing, cooking and cleaning and looking after the DC in his own. Do NOT stay until they time out and find yourself with nothing, no career, no pension, no child maintenance, fuck all.

Go now.

Point taken but OP also chose not to go out to work ( with salary and pension ETC)