To never be a wife

[Whatwouldyoudonow]

I've been with my partner over 20 years since we were young. We got together and had children in our teens, I became a SAHM and he worked hard to support us. He asked me to marry him a few years down the line and I said yes. We had more children and were so busy with life that marrying wasn't a priority for either of us and to be honest I wasn't overly bothered about rushing to get married when I was younger. At that age you feel like you've got all the time in the world. We talked about it a while ago, we're older now and I hoped we would marry in the next few years and he seemed on the same page about it during those conversations. However, he's recently made it clear that he doesn't want to marry me, ever. He says we've been together so long and doesn't see the point now, apparently it's only a piece of paper after all. I don't want a big wedding, a registery office would be fine. I want a marriage, to vow our commitment to eachother, to be eachothers next of kin, to call him my husband and to have his name for however many years we have on this earth. He doesn't seem to care how upset I am about it but he wanted the same only a few years ago, to get married eventually. I'm sure many people will say this is why you don't have children before marrying, if it meant that much why has it taken over 20 years etc but it happened and I can't change any of what we've done in the past. We can only move forward and change the future. I feel hurt, rejected, embarrassed, resentful even and i'm finding it difficult to feel the same about him so it's really been affecting our relationship. I can't get over these feelings no matter how hard I have tried. I don't want to throw away our relationship, it's been very tough at times, but we've made it all these years and I always thought we'd be together forever. My feelings have surprised me as I didn't realise being married meant this much to me until he decided it was off the table. I guess I just don't know what to do or how to make myself accept and be ok with the fact he doesn't want to get married to me. Has anyone been through similar, how did you get over feeling this way?

Thank you for all the replies, i've been reading them all and each one has been really helpful. We've spoken and he definitely knows about the financial situation i'm in, he thinks I'm being silly as we're together and have his money and pension so thinks i'm making a big deal over nothing. He actually managed to make me feel stupid and unreasonable. He said if we're staying together then why am I thinking about my financial security and pension. He's happy with how things are and that's that. I give up trying with him.

Totally disingenuous, as long as you are happy & healthy together & ALIVE yes, you are OK.
An illness, an accident or simply old age & dementia can completely turn everything around.

Talk him through exactly what happens to you financially if he dies in a car crash tomorrow?

What if you don't stay together- what if he meets someone tomorrow and falls head over heels in love? It's rare, but it happens-you need to protect yourself, and he needs to see that you need security which does not rely on your relationship staying the same, your future life can't be conditional on keeping him happy- if he can't see that, I think you have a problem.

HIS money HIS pension.
The problem is that you are at his mercy, he controls the money, you have no right to it. You have to rely on his generosity, and therefore he has all the power.

And if he dies?! Are you properly set to inherit all this?

In a partnership you both have an equal say, but as far as he is concerned if he's happy that's the way things will stay.
You don't have a say, it's not a partnership, he is your master and you have to obey him.

Of course he's happy. His money and his pension is his. And his alone.

If he's happy with you and wants to stay with you, then why is so worried about sharing it with you?

He's twisting it but it can be twisted back, but I don't think there is much point in trying. You'd be wasting your breath.

I wouldn't talk about it any further with him, but you have to do what is best for you now. And use him while you're doing it! Because that is what he has done and is doing.

Edited because I refreshed to see the newer comments and it started waving up and down.

He's either really stupid or gislighting you. I'm inclined to believe he's not that stupid.

All you can do now is protect yourself from any potential hiccups that may come along, and once you start, it will work wonders for your self esteem.

I'd be inclined to let him think you are stupid though! Get that power back quietly!

This happened to a lady I know last month. Five absolutely beautiful kids, seriously the most gorgeous family you will ever see in your life, and they buried him yesterday. Luckily, for want of a better word, they were married. It can and does happen.

It feels that way yes, he's got the power and he knows it. I'm expected to just accept it and not make a fuss as he's happy with the situation that leaves me and our children vulnerable if anything were to happen.

That's heartbreaking, I understand you saying luckily they were married as the poor wife and children are going through enough without the extra financial worry and stress if they weren't married. Life can be so cruel.

When did he become so selfish and heartless, I just don't understand why he wants to treat me like this but then says he loves me. It doesn't feel like love, it feels an awful lot like control and manipulation.

Agree with this. Take him out if the equation and start getting your life to a point where you can provide for yourself now and in the future. Make him continue to pay for things whilst you get there - you have ground to make up. Don't rock the boat until you're ready to jump.

it feels an awful lot like control and manipulation.

That's because it is. He has the power. You haven't seen it because you've been together since you were young and you've been focusing on the children, is my guess.

I'm wondering how much control over money he has? Do you have access to any yourself. I know you've no savings, but what about just for getting yourself something? Or buying a present?

Abuse isn't just physical, op. It can be subtle at first.

Women's Aid will help you. https://womensaid.org.uk/about-domestic-abuse/

Oh I’m sorry to hear this is what he said when you spoke to him about things. Do not let him make you doubt yourself or feel unreasonable with what you are asking for.

Things can change overnight and no one knows what’s around the corner. Please get things started to look after yourself. There’s been some good advice on here.

Yes everything is great for him as it stands and no wonder he doesn’t want to change the set up.

You are not stupid or unreasonable and he is twisting things to make you doubt yourself. Don’t fall for this.

Someone I know with three children sadly lost their husband a few years ago, they were married but I hate to think what it would have been like financially for them had they not been.

People change, I was married to someone who I thought was the least selfish person I knew. Turns out I was very wrong after 25 years.

You are in a better position today than last week as now you know his views and where you stand and can now make a plan to protect yourself. Plus you’ve had lots of support on here as well.

Its not a piece of paper, its a contract which gives both parties an interest in the assetts if you split. You need to educate yourself on it as you are in a vulnerable position.

Thank God you are young enough to get a job, and build up a nest egg for the future. You will have to rely on yourself financially in the future.

Tell him this. And also tell him you have given their conversation some thought and you are going to re enter the workforce full time so he will have to help out more at home with the children and housework.

But you know you're not actually stupid or unreasonable, right? And if you're staying together, why shouldn't you get married? Have you told him that you're not happy? Does he care?

Its more actually. Not only do you have to accept it, but by questioning it, he is putting you in the "baddie" group. Ie you are the bad guy because you dont trust him. Nect thing you know, hes hurt and upset and questioning everything because of your lack of faith.

Why would I though? Do we get taught it in schools? I hadn’t been around divorce or breakdowns of serious relationships so, I was totally ignorant to how unprotected you are if you decide to have kids unmarried. I assumed that you would have the same rights.

I'm interested to hear, when you say you assumed do you mean there was an active process where you thought about it or was it something you never considered at all?

The reason I ask is because if it was something you actively considered, that's a lot easier to educate someone than if they don't know they need to know iyswim.

It's just general knowledge which you gain from generally reading decent newspapers, listening to intelligent radio( it's fairly often discussed on financial programmes), conversations with friends, family and colleagues etc. It's well-known that legally there is no protection for cohabiting couples and there never has been. I don't know why anyone would assume that cohabitees are treated in law the same as married couples.

I learnt throught Mumsnet.

Which seems quite common.