To never be a wife

[Whatwouldyoudonow]

I've been with my partner over 20 years since we were young. We got together and had children in our teens, I became a SAHM and he worked hard to support us. He asked me to marry him a few years down the line and I said yes. We had more children and were so busy with life that marrying wasn't a priority for either of us and to be honest I wasn't overly bothered about rushing to get married when I was younger. At that age you feel like you've got all the time in the world. We talked about it a while ago, we're older now and I hoped we would marry in the next few years and he seemed on the same page about it during those conversations. However, he's recently made it clear that he doesn't want to marry me, ever. He says we've been together so long and doesn't see the point now, apparently it's only a piece of paper after all. I don't want a big wedding, a registery office would be fine. I want a marriage, to vow our commitment to eachother, to be eachothers next of kin, to call him my husband and to have his name for however many years we have on this earth. He doesn't seem to care how upset I am about it but he wanted the same only a few years ago, to get married eventually. I'm sure many people will say this is why you don't have children before marrying, if it meant that much why has it taken over 20 years etc but it happened and I can't change any of what we've done in the past. We can only move forward and change the future. I feel hurt, rejected, embarrassed, resentful even and i'm finding it difficult to feel the same about him so it's really been affecting our relationship. I can't get over these feelings no matter how hard I have tried. I don't want to throw away our relationship, it's been very tough at times, but we've made it all these years and I always thought we'd be together forever. My feelings have surprised me as I didn't realise being married meant this much to me until he decided it was off the table. I guess I just don't know what to do or how to make myself accept and be ok with the fact he doesn't want to get married to me. Has anyone been through similar, how did you get over feeling this way?

Extremely dodgy scenario - sounds like he’s protecting his assets. It’s BS about wills. You don’t want to die intestate.

My first thought was that he's reached a point in his life so many men reach where they hedge their bets and think there's something better for them. Mid-life crisis type stuff combined with protecting what's 'his'. I so hope you work this out and protect yourself.

We recently got married in our 60s. We never saw the point, both worked and earned similar wages, the house was all sorted in a will etc. I then realised if he died his pension would die with him (civil service) and I’d be short of money and probably have to go back to work. We did a quick trip to the registry office…!

As an aside on this I think that people can under some circumstances designate who should be their pension beneficiary. I am sure others will know more about this, but I am thinking that this is the least that the OP needs to get in place to cover her if her partner should die.

I wonder how old your chidlren are now OP - could you make the split in a way that they might understand? .... because I think that your relationship is very likely to deteriorate from now own - now that he has been so intransigent and so flippant about your needs for protection.

Does he realise how vulnerable you are in this situation? Might ne react differently if he knew? It is possible that he has just not analysed it.

Lots of people have listed here the aspects of the situation that make you vulnerable. Perhaps you might put these into a cohesive list and present it to him. It will be interesting to see how he reacts. If he is oblivious to it all then I think you have some serious re-thinking to do; but if he admits that he had not realised the gravity of your situation then there might be a chance of moving forward in a positive way.

Anything in his name is irrelevant to OP situation because they aren't married. She will have no claim over his pension.

I just hope because she was young having the kids, she is still young now and has plenty of time to sort herself out.

@Whatwouldyoudonow sorry you are going through this- currently going through the same thing.
personally I’m trying to figure out if it’s something I can live with- not getting married, I can’t help but feel blindsided and feel like I’ve had my time wasted for the last 10years. Hope you’re ok- sending hugs.

understood - that explains it

I’m with your DH.
It does seem a bit pointless to get married 20 years later.

How old are your kids?

I’m not sure why posters are calling him selfish etc when he asked you several times to get married and you said no - are they saying you were selfish too.

I would work out why this means do much to you.
After 20 years it’s pretty safe to say you guys are committed to each other and even a marriage it doesn’t guarantee commitment.

Are you having a midlife crisis? Panicking if you’re reaching a big birthday? Kids leaving the nest so you don’t know your purpose?

I’d figure out why you want it before making any big decisions like giving him an ultimatum.

I will never understand women who give a man everything without being married. You live together, have kids, those kids presumably have his surname. What incentive is there left for him to marry you?

It's a good thing that we have to choose to opt in to the state getting involved in our love lives and finances.

Having legal protections after just being housemates is open to so much abuse it's mind boggling. Vulnerable adults, people already financially independent etc. all risk losing their assets to someone they chose to not marry? No.

I got a personal injury claim when I was a young adult, imagine if I'd have to give half of it to the bloke I was shagging at the time after he cheated on me!

Adults are capable of choosing their lifestyles, careers, and financial security, they don't need the state to muscle in without consent.

@Whatwouldyoudonow it is a bugbear of mine that many don’t understand what a marriage means both the positives and the negatives

it is portrayed as this romantic thing sometimes - it isn’t it is a contract that brings with it certain benefits and it is vital that both understand what being married does and doesn’t bring

The Fact he is against it now is a huge red flag for me

First post (as often happens on here) nails it.

Anyone who says 'marriage is just a piece of paper' genuinley goes down in my estimation by about 50%, and I just roll my eyes, because this is one of the most ludicrous, innaccurate statements I have ever heard.

It is NOT just a piece of paper. It is a contract, and brings genuine security for both parties. You have less right to anything of your 'boyfriends' than his siblings, parents, nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles, and cousins if he dies. If he is on life support, you will have NO RIGHT to switch the machine off -or leave it on. You will be entitled to NOTHING of his. Any money or assets or pensions or ANYthing.

I am literally gobsmacked that anyone still says 'marriage is only a piece of paper.' Probably think the earth is flat too. 🙄

@Whatwouldyoudonow · Today 15:26

I'm still a SAHM. No wills in place, he's says they're not worth the paper they're written on. I wanted us to do our wills recently but he won't do it. House is a joint mortgage.

THIS is terrifying. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? He seems to have you exactly where he wants you, vulnerable, and at risk, and he doesn't seem to care. You don't even seem to know much about the mortgage. And why, WHY will he not talk about doing wills?

I would honestly be finding ways to exit this relationship if I were you. His behaviour is dreadful. Try and jump before you're pushed. He can drop you at ANY TIME, and you will be fucked. End the relationship before he does. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but he does not care about you.

Are you aware of your status with your qualifying years for State Pension? Has he helped you with filling in any gaps @Whatwouldyoudonow?

This is really sad.
Do you think you will be OK sitting on this pressur cooker of hurt? If not, I think you need to present him with the reason you are separating. Including several false promises of marriage, your financial precarity & how you always had assumed would want you to be secure & cared for in your old age.
Now he has shown he’s “alright Jack”.
He can enjoy his old age without you, because it should be evident that you will be screwed if he dies first, & he won't even make a will.
No shouting, No crying. prepare your facts & figures.. Then remove yourself from the room

I agree with you up to the point that kids become involved. If parentage can be proven (which isn't hard now with dna testing) then the parent (normally mum) who has been a SAHP, possibly forced into it due to a child with additional needs should have some of the financial protection afforded to married people.

He's talking bollocks about wills. If he dies without one and you have remained unmarried then you would get nothing from his estate. You wouldn't be considered next of kin in any way at all.

Your children may get some because they to his blood relatives and you are not. Often though, the estate would be divided out between his parents, siblings, half siblings and any other blood relatives as decreed by the state. You wouldn't get a look in.

This is easily fixable by making a will to ensure that your estate is distributed as you would wish.

My husband proposed after 14 years but he never flat out said no like that ...

I suspected another reason, not a pension :(

Exactly.

Point being... she should have an idea,what he is worth and that might indicate /explain?? his reluctance to marry...or make will....
She been sahm presumably joint decision So she should know where that leaves her and him....
His pension is worth x££££
Hers?

I guess the answer to that would be, it has no benefit to him to make sure i'm financially secure and as he already is he's not bothered about me. That's a lot to realise, such a lot after all these years and all these children.

You have massively disadvantaged yourself, OP but there is no point in crying over spilt milk, you need to have an action plan. Start today!

You must get into full time employment and start payng nto a pension. He needs to step up and do half the chores and child related tasks.

Make a will - leave nothing to him

Check your State Pension forecast.

Find out how you jointly own your home.

I would look towards ending this relationship but only when you have got yourself into a better position. You need to put yourself first and be as cynical as he is.

I honestly didn’t know this until mumsnet informs me of this. It’s shocking!

Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it. I'm starting to realise there's obviously so much more to this and it's really upsetting. He doesn't really care about me at all. He's comfortable and the children and house are taken care of, is that all I am to him? Why is he even still here if he doesn't give a damn about me, wouldn't he be better off leaving and finding someone he does want to share his life with fully.

Did you believe in the false concept of a ' common law' wife? Not being snarky. It's a common belief which does not exist.

I see that perspective, but none of it is automatic - the point is that the court can look at all the circumstances, hear the evidence and decide what’s fair. They aren’t going to give your assets to a “housemate” or carer, nor take half of everything to give to a casual shag in a 2.5 year relationship with no kids. Equally they can make sure that someone like the OP isn’t left high and dry with no pension if her partner dies or buggers off after her giving up her career to raise their children.

The courts have so much more discretion than the courts here, where if you aren’t married that’s the end of the inquiry. And the circumstances might be death without a will, not necessarily just separation.

How many children do you have OP, and how old?

I know many wouldn’t agree with this but my gut would be telling me to look for evidence of an OW myself…