To never be a wife

[Whatwouldyoudonow]

I've been with my partner over 20 years since we were young. We got together and had children in our teens, I became a SAHM and he worked hard to support us. He asked me to marry him a few years down the line and I said yes. We had more children and were so busy with life that marrying wasn't a priority for either of us and to be honest I wasn't overly bothered about rushing to get married when I was younger. At that age you feel like you've got all the time in the world. We talked about it a while ago, we're older now and I hoped we would marry in the next few years and he seemed on the same page about it during those conversations. However, he's recently made it clear that he doesn't want to marry me, ever. He says we've been together so long and doesn't see the point now, apparently it's only a piece of paper after all. I don't want a big wedding, a registery office would be fine. I want a marriage, to vow our commitment to eachother, to be eachothers next of kin, to call him my husband and to have his name for however many years we have on this earth. He doesn't seem to care how upset I am about it but he wanted the same only a few years ago, to get married eventually. I'm sure many people will say this is why you don't have children before marrying, if it meant that much why has it taken over 20 years etc but it happened and I can't change any of what we've done in the past. We can only move forward and change the future. I feel hurt, rejected, embarrassed, resentful even and i'm finding it difficult to feel the same about him so it's really been affecting our relationship. I can't get over these feelings no matter how hard I have tried. I don't want to throw away our relationship, it's been very tough at times, but we've made it all these years and I always thought we'd be together forever. My feelings have surprised me as I didn't realise being married meant this much to me until he decided it was off the table. I guess I just don't know what to do or how to make myself accept and be ok with the fact he doesn't want to get married to me. Has anyone been through similar, how did you get over feeling this way?

no one spells this out unfortunately, it's not like they included it at GCSE 20+ years ago "reasons to get married" on the curriculum

OP you can go to citizen's advice and ask them about your tenancy etc. They can help with the return to the workplace potentially too.

Why is he even still here if he doesn't give a damn about me, wouldn't he be better off leaving and finding someone he does want to share his life with fully
He wants to be the one with the upper hand in the relationship, that's what he has with you.
If he was to start again with someone else he'd have to spend time & effort working on them.

Morally he owes op for years of providing childcare etc .
Legally .... zero .
Maybe he thinks well op had a nice life house etc ...so far..... op''s future as a pensioner he does not care .

Tell him. Either of you could die tomorro. You need to make provision. Start with wills.

Oh, it is spelt out in certain communities. I think they are right.

also I think if you've been the SAHP you must've been the named parent on the child benefit, even if it's finished now I believe it covers your state pension contributions for the time you have young dc (pls correct me if I am wrong)

He says wills aren't worth...

At first I thought it was a classic case of useful to have you around for wife service but doesn't care enough to commit in what seems a real way to him (kids don't count to these men, they still don't make them committed to YOU). Seeing that he thinks wills are worthless too, though, I now wonder if he's just phenomenally thick or if there's someone else he wants everything to go to once he's dead. How can he object to securing you after he's dead?

Oh yes good point. OP log into your gov.uk account and check how many years of state pension you're on so far.

I need to have a long think about everything I thought we had and make some better life decisions

When my husband of 30 years started being evasive about wills and 'not bothered' about joining finances because 'what was the point'- I tried explaining to him that because I had been a SAHM for all those years, I was extremely financially vulnerable. I was hurt that he was okay with my financial vulnerability. I spent months trying to reassure him that it wasn't that I didn't trust him, and of course I knew we'd always look after each other, but I would feel more comfortable at our age if things were done officially. Hah! The reason he was being evasive was because he'd had his head turned. Walked out on us all. He's alright Jack with his big salary and his new girlfriend. The children (HIS children) and I are up shit creek.

I cannot emphasise enough how much he was 'one of the good ones'. No signs that he could do this to us. My family and friends adored him. He was such a solid, lovely guy - until he wasn't.

@Whatwouldyoudonow "Why is he even still here if he doesn't give a damn about me, wouldn't he be better off leaving and finding someone he does want to share his life with fully"

Because it suits him. Presumably you do the cooking, laundry, look after the home and kids etc. You make his life materially comfortable and (presumably) give him sex. You're very convenient, available and he doesn't have to put any effort in. He's got everything sewn up to benefit him. Why should he marry you and risk losing half his assets if you got divorced?

I’d always recommend getting married if you are long term. My sister wasn’t married when her partner of 30 years died. The issues it caused were such an eye opener. You are viewed as less in many areas.

I would say do this on the quiet, OP, use this time - don't have it out with him, start making appointments, think about claiming Job Seekers While you are looking, the Job Centre is great for helping get back into work/training too. Open a bank account of your own.

I really feel for you, this is a horrible situation. You've devoted your life to your family and your partner is wanting to keep his options open!

If he doesn't want marriage how about a civil partnership - a quick trip to the registry office and you have all the same legal protections a wife has.

If he is against that too I would be inclined to have a quiet free 30 minutes with a solicitor to find out what your rights are if you split up.

From your posts you must be early 40s OP.
The kids are probably old enough now that you can start prioritising yourself. You’ve got 25 years till you retire. Get a full time job, put as much as you can into your pension.
If there’s any childcare needed he can sort it, you’ve done more than enough over the past 20 years. Tough if your bloke doesn’t like it. I’m not sure I’d be finding him good enough to marry, he’s treating you appallingly.

Wishing you lots of luck.

I am not a lawyer but I'm sure that's not correct. If you die without a will, without a spouse or civil partner but with children (birth or adopted) they will get everything. If they are under age it would have to be kept on trust for them until they are adults.

It is a good thing that we don't assume people co-habiting want to be treated as life partners/spouses. There are plenty of people who have children from previous relationships who want those children to inherit, not their new partner. If they make a conscious choice not to marry or have a civil partnership, the state should respect that and let them leave their money as they see fit.

How very sad for you. As you aren’t a wife I can think of lots of stuff I would no longer be doing because they are what wives do 🤬

You do look after the DC not him!

ooh OP I just thought, there's no reason you can't get a will made up, and entail any assets you have or might have to your DC and make sure they are given whatever you might get in future. There are free will templates you can get notarised I think (I am picking up the pieces after my ex left my life and our dc
in a shambles so I am learning on the back foot)

Was he actually your husband? You had various protections and rights if so.

Op please do start to look out for yourself and plan

He doesn't want to risk himself financially with you.. he's hedging his bets now and hee even saying if you don't like it tough...

So real question is what are to
you going to do now ?

I agree @Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g I was adamant I wasn’t going to buy a house or have children with DH without marriage but having had the children if anything happened to DH or my marriage I absolutely would not marry again because of the implications of doing so

there is a 3rd way of setting up the benefits you want (house together/NOK/POA/wills etc

as an aside I do not get anyone who doesn’t have a will they are fairly cheap and can set out what you want to have happen particularly guardianship of children

... which of course is a far from ideal situation for their mother, if she's in the OP's position. Her children may now own half the house if their Mum and Dad were tenants in common, not joint tenants. They get the pensions, savings and personal possessions, not their Mum. Also, who arranges his funeral? Who makes the decision to switch off life support? In the UK, the NHS would probably take the common sense view that his partner and mother of this children should do this, but what if they were abroad at the time?

It's all so much easier to be married or in a civil partnership. And that's before we even consider the tax advantages if there might inheritance tax to pay.

My youngest is in primary school. I have all my NI stamps so far as I claim child benefit. I am 38 now and the children all have my surname.