How do I (23f) navigate dating a man (30m) I don’t have physical attraction for?

[Enchilada39]

Matched with a guy whose values, personality, and emotional tone are everything I’m looking for long‑term. We’ve been talking for a week and Im really interested in pursuing it.
The issue: I dont find his pictures physically attractive at all. I’m terrified of disappointing him. Is it “leading him on” to pursue this? How do I navigate this?

Tell him you're not interested in taking it further and block him. I don't think he will take it well but you owe him nothing.

Now having read the rest of OP's posts I take this back! Definitely don't meet up with him, stay well away!

Not "looks" exactly, but physical chemistry matters.

I agree see him in person and see if the chemistry is there. Manage his expectations, and meet up sooner rather than later so it doesn't get too emotionally intense before meeting,

And then there should be no "getting through it", if you don't fancy him you stop dating him.

he told me all this stuff about he hasnt been loved before by a girl, and how i seem like the only nice person he has ever met.

Please block this person immediately.

This is an absolute non-starter. Don't meet him.

This

A friend of mine said three dates minimum unless red flags. She had a blind date. Really didn’t like him but stuck to her rule. Married for decades now.

Was he proposing marriage before they had even met in person though? 1 week in?

He’s talking about marriage before an actual date? Thats off. Do his values really align or is he mirroring you?

That’s would be a ‘red flag’ in my book.

Are you sure he’s not love bombing and future faking and saying what you want to hear to make it seem values are aligned?
as he lives far away please ask him to video call you today or very soon. You’ll see on camera how someone holds them self etc you’ll get clues as to if you could potentially be attracted before you or him forks out for a plane fare. If he won’t meet then please assume he is a catfish romance scammer.

You're aware how weird this sounds? Never met him, only talked for a week. He's telling you you're the only nice woman he's met, how the dating phase will work and marriage? I'll tell you exactly what will happen if you meet him. He'll love bomb you. He'll be overly attentive and act like the perfect man. Then once he's got you sucked in the emotional abuse will start. This has controlling fucker written all over it in Big Red Letters.

Block. Delete. Please God you haven't told him your address or where you work.

Well it depends on the strength of your feelings on his looks. Is it just meh? Have you facetimed? In real life people can be much more or less attractive and IMO it doesn't take long to figure this out but I would not be able to tell from photos.

Its lovely to be aligned on values but you also have to want to jump his bones.

But if you are repelled by the photos/ something you can never get past, then you have to end it now.

op - there’s so many red flags there, I’m worried for you that you hadn’t spotted them.

1. obviously you are not the only nice person he’s ever met. If you actually think this could be true, I’m not sure what to say. 99% of women would spot this manipulation a mile off. He’s looking for the ones that dont.
2. go back and look at your texts. Do you say something first, then he mirrors it straight back at you? ‘Oh yes, me too, wow we’re so aligned’ . Again, classic manipulation.
3. to start talking about marriage or/it’s getting serious to someone you’ve never met is flat out bonkers.

for your own sake, stop these texts, and find someone wiser to talk to to learn a bit more first.

Is it “leading him on” to pursue this?

Yes.

You don’t sound mature enough for a man 7 years older than you. Try going younger.

Remind him ASAP that the 'getting to know you' phase doesn't actually begin until you have met. It's fine to say you want to meet quickly because if there's no spark, there's no point pursuing anything. You really cannot tell from pictures if you fancy someone.

But if he isn't in your state, I'd not pursue it if it wasn't easy to meet up. There's gotta be men closer!

Even if you're in some sort of religious community, where it can be common to date only with the goal of marriage, mentioning all this stuff without even having met you is way over the top. This guy isn't the one.

Advice for the future - arrange to meet in person quickly and (in the absence of any red flags like the above) don't judge them until you've done so.

There’s some weird incel vibes. Much older, no woman has ever liked him, talking about marriage before meeting…

OP you need to date much more youthfully. Meet nice men your age, see if you like them, have fun, stop all the weird ‘values’ shit. Everyone can talk a good game. Meet a few and see if they are in fact nice.

You won’t be breaking up- you haven’t even met yet! Stop over thinking and just meet up and see how you feel. He may not fancy you

Look up love bombing. He is a manipulative love bomber. Avoid at all costs.

How did you find out you were weirdly aligned? Did you tell him all these things about yourself and him say 'me too'? As other people have said, there are already red flags here. Plus someone in their early 20s is in a very different stage of life to someone in their 30s, have you thought about that?

Completely agree this particular guy is showing a lot of red flags.

However, the age thing isn't always that bad. A lot of men are slower at maturing than women, so a man of 30 isn't necessarily ready to be settling down with a wife and kids.

DH and I have 9 years between us and we were similar ages to the OP and this guy when we met. He 100% wasn't ready for what we have now (two decades on) but neither was I. He was a young 30 and I've always been described as an old head on young shoulders (they're less young nowadays mind). We got there together and at the same rate.

Age gaps aren't always terrible. Depends on the people.

I’m terrified of disappointing him.

This is incredibly worrying and suggests you’re not ready for an age-gap relationship or possibly any relationship. It is not your job to manage his, or any man’s, disappointment. Never continue dating someone you don’t actually want to date because you’re afraid of disappointing them. That mindset can take you to some very unsafe places. If he wanted sexual practices you weren’t comfortable with, would you go along with them just to avoid disappointing him?

Call me old, jaded and miserable, but my guess is he’s already clocked this aspect of your personality and it’s exactly what’s drawing him to you. IME, a 30-year-old man is only interested in a 23-year-old woman if he wants to dominate or manipulate his partner in ways a woman his own age would be wiser to. You’re not coming across as someone who can hold their own against a man like this — nor should you be — and that vulnerability is what attracts him. Date men closer to your own age.

I’m terrified of disappointing him.

He's not your dad.

A photo is no way to know if you are going to be sexually attracted to him or not. Sometimes the men you end up being absolutely NUTS about are not the ones you fancy at first sight. I can think of several men I haven't felt instantly sexually attracted to when I first met them, but I very much did fancy the pants off them once I got to know them over a period of time and was attracted to their smile, or their conversation or their sense of humour or whatever.

I think you should try and facetime him a few times, if you haven't already. You'll get a much better feel for whether you could fancy him or not then. I mean, if you find something about him clearly offputting then that's probably unlikely to change once you meet in person, but if it's just that you don't feel an instant, strong sense of 'ooh, he's gorgeous' then don't dismiss it just yet.