How do I (23f) navigate dating a man (30m) I don’t have physical attraction for?

[Enchilada39]

Matched with a guy whose values, personality, and emotional tone are everything I’m looking for long‑term. We’ve been talking for a week and Im really interested in pursuing it.
The issue: I dont find his pictures physically attractive at all. I’m terrified of disappointing him. Is it “leading him on” to pursue this? How do I navigate this?

By telling you how ‘cruel and hateful’ other women have been to him… he has set you up to feel bad if you don’t want to continue this. And that has worked. Because you don’t want to be one of those cruel and hateful women that he describes. Those are quite strong harsh words he’s used about those women. Not a good sign.

I wouldn’t bother with all that stuff about having a conversation with a friend… That’s giving too much unnecessary detail and also giving an opening for more to discuss. Instead, I would just say:
‘On reflection, this isn’t going to work for me and although it’s been good to get to know you, I need to call it a day now. All the best’

UPDATE

It’s over. I texted him the message I wrote in my last post. He was NOT happy and demanded reasons when I was vague saying “it doesn’t make any sense.” I said “distance, age, and a handful or other things.” Then I politely said “I wish you well,” and I blocked him. Thank you all so much for your advice as I worked through this, and for saving me from a potentially dangerous situation! It genuinely feels like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders lol! I am so very grateful, and I never imagined my post would get so much attention and amazing feedback. I will look into the resources you all shared, and will try to be more careful in the future with dating!

Thank you for updating, stay strong.

❤️

That’s great news, @Enchilada39 Well done.

This post from @Sodthesystem seems extremely wise to me:
“Sodthesystem · 01/02/2026 19:10
Speaking from the stand point of someone who was raised Christian (and is still a believer just not as...Church centric, anymore) I found that the issue it caused for me was that I looked for the good in everyone. And that seems like a nice thing. But it can be so so dangerous. Especially to a young girl new to the world of dating.
Now of course I believed in evil. But I saw it as mostly spiritual. I believed evil people were very rare. Which unfortunately...is not the case.
And, when we are "good" or, strive to be and do good...we tend to just ASSUME the other people in our life are and are doing the same. A lamb doesn't recognise that a lion means it harm. Because it is not a lion and knows nothing of lions.
Then of course there's the issue of forgiveness. For me it wasn't taught with the side serving of 'you can forgive people and still walk away from them'. I thought I owed second, third, fourth chances. But we don't. We can let people go with forgiveness and choose to protect ourselves from further misdeeds or harm.
There are bad people out there. And we cannot save them, but they can drag us into their darkness. Leave them to God to deal with. And focus on doing right by ourselves and by the people in our life who consistently show that they mean well and also strive for good and to bring light into other peoples lives, not to stamp out the light that other people bring. Its OK to protect yourself. Its OK to have boundaries.”

This is very true. It is not the job of women to save men and it is most particularly not the job of young women to save older men.

Thank you @Dery and @Sodthesystem for the great advice! I will take it to heart and do my best to implement it into my life. I’ve had a lot of bad experiences with men across my life, but somehow it hasnt hardened me enough, I guess. Thank you again!

I was 23 when I met my partner and he was 29, it's not that much of an age gap or a problem, at 23 she is of a similar maturity level and outlook and it's not like he's 60 and going after a 20 year old. It's quite a small age gap that quite a few couples will have.

The age gap is small and both parties are of an age where it wouldn't have been a problem. However he did sound quite needy and emotionally fragile potentially and I couldn't be doing with someone like that!

Yeah the age gap alone isn't an issue. Smaller than DH and I. Met when we were 21/30 and we've come to the same wants/needs in life at the same time. There's a reason that in most (non creepy) age gap relationships men are slightly older and it's the maturity thing.

I did, however, go out with a guy 7 years older than me when I was 18/19 and he was an utter nightmare. Needy, desperate to do "settling down" things just because you're "supposed to" but more because he was terrified I would go off with someone else if he didn't have me squirreled away from everyone else. He would have had me working in a minimum wage job, living in a council flat popping out his babies instead of going to uni and getting out of our very run down hometown. Thankfully I saw this and he "trapped" someone who seems to be happy with that life (I hope she is anyway). I got to meet someone who wants me to make myself happy and just do life with me.

@Enchilada39 you did the right thing moving away from this one. Good men exist, they just take a bit of spotting.

So - he wouldn’t want you to go out and meet people either?
Yet another red flag.

I just saw your update @Enchilada39 - well done!
Onwards and upwards!

I am so so happy to read this. Yay - we saved a vulnerable woman! Take care op, every experience will lead you to an eventual healthier better relationship xx

Don't go simple

I haven’t yet read the full thread but i had to reply at this point.

After just one short week, this guy is already:

1. Trauma dumping on you, that is obvious reading between the lines.
2. Portraying himself as a victim - ‘you’re the first person ever to be nice to him’
3. Setting the expectation from you - ‘you are the first person that is nice to me’.
4. manipulating you into feeling guilty already, should you fail to meet the expectation of ‘being nice’ aka compliant

And I can see you are totally falling for it😔

I bet this guy is anything BUT nice, he sounds manipulative. You are very young and if you were my daughter (im 45), I would advise you to tell him your life just got busy and you are not interested in carrying on with chatting to him. Nevermind meeting up.

He’s 30, 7 years older than you and is using your desire to be ‘kind and good’ to manipulate you. That is very clear from where i stand.

Look after yourself.

Pheeew… i just saw the update, thank fuck for that outcome.

Anyone who trauma dumps early and makes you feel guilty and obliged to be ‘nice’ and ‘kind’ for fear of hurting their feelings is a red flag.

If you feel like you need to ‘save’ someone at the expense to your wellbeing, walk away.

Well done op! Thats excellent news. I would have probably advised you to keep it to basics like distance and age gap (if you imply it's a them issue it can provoke their wrath and if you give any indication of personal vulnerability or, uncertainties it's easier for them to bombard you with questions and try make you doubt your decision). But luckily phones have block functions 😆 sucks to be him haha.

If you find yourself all shakey or drained after his attack at all, I find chocolate helps (Maybe abusive men are like harry potter dementors lol).

Glad you can breathe easy now!
And now you know where we are if you need us xx

Thank you! Yes…he was very much angry and wanted to know if he said or did anything, all while saying that he’s not “being demanding.” Anyways, Im glad it’s over. Thank you again @Sodthesystem for all the advice!

Actually it sounds like he might be a 60 year old…

Come back whenever you are unsure. It is always better to check.

You've done the right thing @Enchilada39 and do keep him blocked.

He'll be very angry about it but he'll soon move on to his next unfortunate victim.

I'm not surprised you're feeling relieved.

Do come back to the thread if you think it'll help you. We're always here.

You don't. Its not fair to either of you.

What on earth?
Couldn't you have read the OP's posts?

I usually read all of the OP's posts, but I felt this was so cut and dried that I posted right away. I would still by my comment. I think it's a terrible idea to try to build a relationship with someone you're not attracted to.

However, in view of @Enchilada39 's latest posts, she's had a lucky break as this guy has way too many issues.

Thank you @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne , I will definitely be keeping him blocked. I was just reading back through the messages again, and looking at it with this new perspective, I can’t believe I was so dumb.

Here are some of the weirdest texts I received from him:

“I have actually been told by girls that "only creepy guys are bald". So it's just one of those things. And balding actually goes in dad's side of the family so I can't help it. I love that your so considerate. Your probably the first nice lady I have met in a long.”

“Do you think dating couples should hold hands in public? I'm a huge proponent of it I kinda think it's like a sign of we are together this is us without being to intimate. Also Im overly protective so if something happens I would want you close by so I know your safe.”

“So what do you think is the most important thing to keep a relationship healthy so it leads to marriage? Respect is my biggest one. Also striving for what you want to become. If we want to be husband and wife then we should strive to become that.”

“I don’t know my love language because I've never been loved by a girl”

“I just don't want you to be discouraged when I say one thing but mean something else.”

“That's very true I hate seeing couples when they can't sort anything out and she holds something against him and he doesn't understand why, because she asked him and he answered now she is mad and it ends with them splitting up. It's just stupid.”