How do I (23f) navigate dating a man (30m) I don’t have physical attraction for?

[Enchilada39]

Matched with a guy whose values, personality, and emotional tone are everything I’m looking for long‑term. We’ve been talking for a week and Im really interested in pursuing it.
The issue: I dont find his pictures physically attractive at all. I’m terrified of disappointing him. Is it “leading him on” to pursue this? How do I navigate this?

He sounds like hard work and also like he could get very irritating, very quickly - and tricky to shake off if you decide to end it.
If I was you, I'd disengage now.

It sounds like he is being worryingly intense, given that you haven't met yet ....

BUT, you do say you are dating intentionally - if you are looking for commitment and marriage, maybe his level of intensity works for you? There are lots of different approaches to dating and relationships.

I don't think you can predict whether or not the attraction will be there until you meet. My partner doesn't look great in photos but in person he is extremely attractive (both to myself and other women, given the success he has had in relationships previously!). The same is true of my ex husband.

So go ahead and meet him, and see what happens. Just don't promise too much before you actually meet in person.

(And this is good advice not just for this guy, but with any future guys you might decide to date. Because until you have met and spent time together, you can't really know whether there will be the level of chemistry AND comparability necessary for a happy long term relationship).

Good luck!

Just reread your last post. A decent guy will not make you feel stressed. He will understand you can't commit to anything until you have met in person and spent time together.

@Enchilada39 It's highly unusual to meet someone who has the same values and who has a good heart, but not be attracted. It sounds like a you problem, rather than a problem with him or the dating pool.

Sorry I posted without seeing the updates about him living for 30 years without meeting a nice person and route to marriage. You've spoken for 1 week. Even for strictly religious people/ hopeless romantics, this seems concerning and I've been in this situation and don't regret making a swift exit. This is more concerning than the looks.

Oh to be young 😂

Sack him off - you owe him nothing, he has no claim to your time, block and move on. Send him a brief message first if you want to be polite.

His chat is creepy intense already and your intuition is telling you something is off. Again, YOU OWE HIM NOTHING.

Run. And work on your boundaries for next time.

Okay, thank you all for your input. Here’s a bit more context:
1.Yes we’re both religious and met on a religious app. But more than that, we have very close alignment in what we want in life, kids, lifestyle, etc…
2.I like his personality on the phone a lot, chatting was a lot of fun.
3.It wasnt that he was talking about marriage in general. It was because he started saying “us” as in assuming we would be married.
4.Hes ex-military and is a little rough around the edges, not super attractive, so maybe why he hasnt dated much or ever
5.Yes I am completely naive. My dating experience is zero, but Im severely introverted and have social anxiety. So I apologize!!

Omg way too deep for a stranger. Your entering the territory here where you just end up with a penpal who knows your life story.

You should chat and arrange to meet after 48 hours. If you cant meet within a week move on.

If you struggle to meet for a first date, youll invariably struggle to meet after that.

You can find personality traits attractive and it develop into something else tho

it’s a definite no. Creepy guy. Forget the uncannily ‘good match’ I think this is giving you rose tinted goggles. It’s not fate

Red flag!!!
Alert!!!!

Honey this is a narcissist.

The man is 30 years old. He's never met a nice woman? BULLSHIT.

Narcissists (narcissistic personality disorder) and similar abusers put you on a pedestal qnd love bomb you. They tell you you are special. That they've never met anyone like you. That their life has been so dark until they met you. It is a con. They are a spider and you are their prey.

I'm sure lots of people will reply similar. Listen to us. We have seen this and know the signs.

Also it's a red flag that a 30 year old is even chasing a 23 year old in the first place tbh. Women his age can probably spot his bs a mile away.

You have never met this man. You don't know if you like him. He's literally words on a screen.
And he lives a state away. And he's a narcissist.

Please start reading up on how to spot abusers as it will help you so much in future. Keep learning on the issue throughout your life. Stay safe!

You sound lovely and I'm sure you can find a nice local lad.

In future maybe don't spend ages talking to someone you've never met. It can foster a false sense of intimacy and then you may find that in person you don't actually like them, or, they are not who they said they were. Two or three conversations, then a date in a public place.

You need to protect yourself hon, there are dangerous people out there and this one nearly caught you.

@Enchilada39 Yes I am completely naive. My dating experience is zero, but Im severely introverted and have social anxiety.

Reading this I think it's even more important that you start dating slowly, and in your own age group.

Again, this is called 'narcissist mirroring'.

They want want to think you are super compatible and alike.

Get to google. Google love bombing, narcissist victim mentality, and narcissist mirroring.

You don’t have to apologise, OP.

I hope you take the advice here the way it is intended: to help you, not to put you down.

The marriage talk is another red flag. “Love bombing” is the most common way for abusive relationships to start.

I personally at your age, would try to meet people through friends or other people through church if you’re religious? It’s good to know how others feel about someone you’re thinking of dating. The fact he’s told you nobody has shown him love is concerning.

This is what Im afraid of…it’s why Im willing to meet him despite not being attracted. Because I dont want to lose a potentially good thing

You can’t be attracted to a photo, meet him IRL
and see. Also sometimes attraction grows as you get to know someone, often that leads to a better relationship because it’s based on real feelings for eachother rather than physical attraction

When you say you align does that mean he just agreed with everything you said?

Does he happen to love all the same things as you? Favourite book/song? When you said you hate running, he said yes me too!

Not everything. He stated all his political views and expectations for husband/wife roles and I agreed. But maybe religiously I did all the talking, now that you mention it

This is complete nonsense

This man is someone you've never met, and yet he's talking about how 'things should be in the dating phase to lead to marriage'!!! He's way way ahead!! You don't even know if you want to meet, let alone date him! You haven't met, you don't owe this man a bean, so you can absolutely decide that you don't wish to take things any further. If you wanted to meet, just to see if you like him in person - how easy would it be, if you live in different states? If it means driving hours or taking a flight, considering you aren't physically attracted to his picture, I wouldn't bother, taking it any further. If it would be relatively easy, then you could meet to see if you liked him.

I would shut down any conversations regarding marriage/babies etc, if you decide you do want to see him in person. Be firm: I hear what you're saying, but at the moment it's far too soon to be discussing the future. If he doesn't, then it's time to walk away. Too much, too soon.

Sometimes people do look different from their pictures. When I did OLD I was pleasantly surprised a couple of times that the blokes were better in the flesh, and equally it’s been the other way around too. I would meet up for a coffee very soon and then decide.

I do think you’re getting a bit ahead of yourself with the ‘everything I’ve ever wanted’ talk after a week of online messaging. Manage your expectations a bit, you don’t know him.

I went out on a date recently with someone whose pictures I wasn’t immediately attracted to, but in person he was much nicer. I don’t think looks are that important. Attractiveness can be based on other qualities.

If they’re in another state, meeting for a coffee might be quite a mission!

OP, please do not meet this guy. He is a walking red flag

If you don't fancy him from his pictures there is no way you will in real life. You will meet this guy and think "What have I done?" and it will be all the more awkward to get out of

Tell him that he seems like a nice guy but all the talk of marriage etc has made you reconsider whether dating is right for you at this time and you're going to have to take a step back

I would not advise you to meet THIS man in person. He is giving all the sings of being an abuser and you qlso mention he is ex military.
Not safe.

Delete and block and...Id say start dating local but tbh I thibk it might take a 6 month time period to read up in how to spot abusers and protect yourself. I wish I had at your age.

Because this guy is scary and has already got you stressing and jumping through hoops and wondering if you're 'enough'.

Side note for future btw, not quite relevant yet (though will be if you pursue anything with this guy) if you ever find yourself stuck on a merry go round of proving yourself ('prove your loyalty/honesty/purity/goodness/belief in me' etc...you're dating an abuser, run).

Just read all your subsequent posts and I absolutely concur with the other posters. He’s love bombing you 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 block.