How do I (23f) navigate dating a man (30m) I don’t have physical attraction for?

[Enchilada39]

Matched with a guy whose values, personality, and emotional tone are everything I’m looking for long‑term. We’ve been talking for a week and Im really interested in pursuing it.
The issue: I dont find his pictures physically attractive at all. I’m terrified of disappointing him. Is it “leading him on” to pursue this? How do I navigate this?

Just meet up with him, OP. You really can't tell from a photo. My DH doesn't take good photos at all, but I felt drawn to him immediately from the moment we met. And maybe someone else can remember the details, but there was a thread on here a few months back from a woman who was dating a guy she really liked but wasn't feeling the 'spark'. She gave it a bit of time and reported back to say she was so glad she did. After a few dates she found herself fancying him like mad. Attraction isn't always immediate, and immediate attraction isn't always lasting.

Don't do it. You're young enough to find real love.

Met In person. If no attraction after a few dates he’s not for you

You meet him, if all goes well you continue to getting to know him, if you meet and you do t have any attraction to him then you just be honest and then call it off

I think he’s going to end up being very hard work, OP. All this emotional baggage about never having been loved and thinking that a stranger he’s chatted to online for a week is the nicest person he’s ever met - major red flag.

And you need to stop overinvesting. You don’t “like him a lot”, you’ve been messaging him for a few days, you know nothing about him. When you online date, meet people for a quick coffee or drink as soon as you can to see if you get on and fancy each other, rather than building up things inside your head.

Meet in person. He might be attractive even still.
If you are repulsed by his looks when you meet then you have a genuine reason to call of the relationship. You can feel no spark.

I agree with this. From what you've said @Enchilada39 he sounds like a "nice guy" that people just don't get. They can be difficult.

Can you not see that you are being rather ridiculous. You don't fancy him so just tell him you don't see it working and end contact. He will get over it.

You’ve been talking for seven days - you can’t lead him on because he’s a virtual stranger. Meet in person and see if there’s chemistry, if there’s not then knock it on the head, that way you won’t be leading him on. Photos are really not a good way to judge physical compatibility - plus people can look really attractive in pictures and less so in real life! You seem a bit over-invested and anxious given you don’t know him from a bar of soap yet. Just meet and see how you feel.

He sounds like hard work, and as if he’s already emotionally blackmailing you into some kind of commitment to forcing yourself into a relationship even if you are not feeling it.

i don’t get these looong lead ins to a first meeting. Until you meet someone in person you cannot judge them accurately.

He sounds an absolute wanker tbh.

Next.

I’ll add: “When someone tells you who they are, listen to them.”

He’s telling you that people don’t like him and he doesn’t like most other people. Most people would run a mile from someone saying stuff like that - why aren’t you, what about it makes you interested in him and think his personality and values are exactly what you want in a partner?

Tbh if he's saying that kind of stuff I'd give him a swerve. He sounds needy and fake. Men who come out with stuff inferring that 'you're not like other girls' need to be avoided.

Do not meet him he sounds like a right weirdo. You do not owe 'chances' for random older men off online.

run for the hills

He seems to be everything Ive been looking for…except looks

Many years ago, my sister used to date very good looking, body builder types.
She met a man at work, and I can remember her telling me she'd met this lovely man who made her laugh, and she said 'It's a shame, if he was good looking I'd marry him'

However, they started dating and they've now been married almost 30 years.

Meet up and see how you get on. You might find you start to find him attractive as you get to know him more.

You might like him in person. To not lead him on, just say you will see how things go or something.

But he’s already seeming very needy by saying (after one week online!) that you’re the only nice person he’s ever met. It’s a huge red flag: not only does he appear to be desperate and flattering you (ie, love bombing), but if no one else likes him there’s probably a good reason for that.

Ive talked to a lot of guys online and Im very intentional in only pursuing ones that have matched values. We are extremely aligned, almost weirdly so. Ive never met someone that was that much the same. And I havent dated much so I get where he’s coming from.

I agree with other posters. You are not the only nice person he has ever met. If he is telling you that, he is manipulating you. End it.

Sorry, OP, if you were a friend of mine or my little sister I’d say it sounds like a couple of red flags. Try and meet someone in real life and then you’ll know straight away what your actual attraction and chemistry is like. He’s older, lives in another state and doesn’t get on well with others. Surely there’s another option!

eta: the “perfect match” thing can be faked. “Oh me too! God how amazing we have exactly the same values!” = another potential red flag.

You can’t know this either just on the basis of online messaging, this is a total stranger you need to spend time actually getting to know them.

You need to give it time to see if his actions match his values. A week isn't really long enough to tell someone's values in detail.

Meet him, you may be surprised.

1. he lives a long way from you
2. he’s a lot older than you. At your age, 7 years is a huge age-gap. If you were in your forties, it would be such a gap.
3. you’re not attracted to him

Stop wasting your and his time talking online and keep looking.

If it sounds too good to be true, it is. You didn't pick up all this alignment of values from bus bio, he's been mirroring you to manipulate you. Tell him some values you've been 'holding back' that you think he won't agree with and see what he says.

Men like this pick out younger women like you because they know they’re a bit naive and idealistic and can be manipulated by mirroring all this “shared values” stuff back at them. The things he’s telling you aren’t romantic. No other women ever liking him and never having met a nice person before he started chatting to you online is a big standout black mark against him, not an opportunity for you to be the one special woman who can “save” this poor misunderstood man.