How do I (23f) navigate dating a man (30m) I don’t have physical attraction for?

[Enchilada39]

Matched with a guy whose values, personality, and emotional tone are everything I’m looking for long‑term. We’ve been talking for a week and Im really interested in pursuing it.
The issue: I dont find his pictures physically attractive at all. I’m terrified of disappointing him. Is it “leading him on” to pursue this? How do I navigate this?

Good, because you'll get really fantastic advice here. Sometimes I see the odd ones that aren't good or bad, but mostly, it's good and will probably save you from years of heartache.

Really bizarre that you've never heard the term 'thug life' and wouldn't know what I was alluding to in saying it.

The military is the opposite of 'thug life', which makes him a decent person.

All his comments to the OP so far do NOT make him a decent person though.

You need to RTFT @shuggles because you're giving dangerous advice.

Lol being in the military certainly does not make someone a decent person. I'm sure there are plenty of good guys there yes (a few hero complexs perhaps but that's alright)..but the military is also filled with men who just like blowing shit up or... worse, want to kill people. So it's probably not the best place to look for a husband.

Extra risky for the women if they turn out to be abusers too. Same thing goes for certain other careers like law and the police force. Not that we shouldn't date them but just that if they turn out to be wrong'uns it can make things harder for women to stay safe.

It's not the players that mess us about that are the biggest threat to women. It's the abusers that hang around even when we try to escape.

I didn't understand why you were saying it to me? I've not said anything about who the OP should date other than not this nutter

And a massive LOL on your opinion of the military 🤣🤣

@shuggles a military man once threatened to smash a glass in my face when I declined his offer of casual sex. He accused me of thinking I was better than him and then told me he wouldn’t be interested anyway as I was ugly. Please stop advising people when you don’t seem to grasp the full picture.

I'm glad that you posted here, it shows that you're listening to your gut feelings. Don't feel bad about being inexperienced - we all begin that way. You just need to be careful who you let in. Remember that you don't need to answer every question asked of you. You limit how much information you share.

You don't have to persuade him (or anyone) that you want to stop this. You don't need to convince him or word it in a way that's palatable.

There are people in the world who are manipulative abusers. They like online dating as it's an efficient way to meet targets. They can also lie about things like their age, finances, place of work, beliefs etc. The thing about abusers is that they are constantly scanning for people with poor self esteem and poor boundaries, and people-pleasing tendencies. They will test these things early on to see how you react. They may give compliments then criticism to test your self-esteem. A good tip is to disagree or say "no" and see how they react. They usually move on if you are not an easy target.

You may find it useful to read up on the Shark Cage analogy of abuse.

The Shark Cage metaphor is a trauma-informed framework developed by Melbourne psychologist Ursula Benstead to help women understand and recover from repeated abuse, including domestic and family violence or sexual assault. It uses a powerful visual metaphor: the world is an ocean filled with friendly fish and dolphins, but also dangerous sharks. A shark cage represents a person’s boundaries and human rights—protective barriers that keep harmful individuals (sharks) at bay while allowing safe, positive relationships (fish) to pass through.
Each bar of the cage symbolizes a fundamental human right, such as the right to personal space, the right to say no, or the right to be free from violence. These bars are built during childhood through messages and experiences from caregivers, peers, and society. Not everyone develops a strong cage—some bars may be missing, weak, or poorly maintained due to past trauma. The metaphor emphasizes that abuse is never the victim’s fault; it’s the shark’s responsibility to behave abusively, not the cage’s failure.
The framework includes five steps to help women rebuild and strengthen their shark cages, including identifying existing rights, recognizing boundary violations (via a "shark cage alarm" or gut instinct), and learning how to defend their boundaries. It’s used in both individual and group therapy, and is also adapted for young women through school-based programs. The approach is grounded in human rights and feminist theory, offering a hopeful, empowering alternative to victim-blaming narratives.
For more information, visit thesharkcage.com or explore the Shark Cage Animation on YouTube.

I agree with others that it would be good to focus on finding a community in real life. Make friends from work, hobbies or a place of worship. Let dating take a back seat and work on assertiveness and building a life you enjoy.

Thank you so much for the feedback. I think you are right. He also said things that he has like ptsd from the military, he used to drink a lot bc of that but he hasnt for years now, that other women he dated were hateful and cruel to him, that he had only ever been on 5 dates in the past, but that he also has some kind of “past” with bad women.

And youre right, I have too much nurturing side. I do work with children and some special needs, it’s kind of my thing I guess. And he wanted to know my dating past, and like an idiot I said I didnt have much. And creepy old guys like that…he isnt the first. Just makes me sad…

He didnt seem like the other bad men Ive met though. He seemed genuine…like really genuine. And I still hate having to break this off but I see no other option. Maybe he really is 35+, it would explain the balding and old man clothes.

I remember wasting so much time in my younger years dating worrying about whether or not the person liked me - and not even stopping to consider if I actually liked them. And that includes fancying them.

If they don't like you, who cares, there's plenty of other men in the world. If they do like you, cool, but that's irrelevant if you don't like them back.

Even if he was a good chap, so what, he's way too old and you don't fancy him.

I'm going to say maybe he is really nice somewh deep down. BUT that doesn't mean that he isn't also manipulative, and this age gap and power dynamic is too much. And the distance is too far, and this is not a relationship any of us think you should be going any further with.

I hope that helps you feel less conflicted?

Sometimes people have true loveliness somewhere deep down, or else they wouldn't be able to pull people in. It doesn't mean they aren't also abusive, controlling. He probably needs to work on himself if dating/social interaction is really this hard for him - you wouldn't be helping him by going any further
forward.

Why force the issue? It’s only a week in and you haven’t even met. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Physical attraction is impoerant!

She won't gain a nice friend. Men want to get it on and generally aren't interested in only being friends when they're online dating. I agree with you, I would see it that way too, but a lot of men can't/won't just be friends. Which is sad.

I would meet him. I've been out with ugly men who were so charismatic that I really fell for them. But if I'd met them through OLD and had to decide via a picture, I never would have met up with them.

Please read everything OP has said, because the reason everyone is saying run is nothing to do with his looks.

I take this back. Sorry, I hadn't read the rest of your replies. He sounds like a creep. Forget him.

@Enchilada39 - the posters saying they would meet him have not read all your posts. If they had, they woukd not be saying that.

This man is bad news. Any man who says all past women have treated him badly is bad news because this is just not how women are - he probably means that they didn’t behave exactly as he wanted and that they declined to go out with him or that they finished with him. Saying no to a man is not treating him badly.

This is brilliant:

”It is not your job to save or nurture sad or damaged men, nor provide good fortune who've had back luck so far in life.

Your nurturing should be directed to a more appropriate place, like children, NOT adult men. If you want to give to others, then you can do so in a way that has safer and more appropriate boundaries, such as volunteering, becoming a therapist (where you could be paid for it), or helping out at an animal shelter”

Please take this to heart.

You sound vulnerable. You need to meet people in safe and gentle contexts in real life. You can just fade him out (I actually think ghosting is an acceptable form of communication in very early days especially since you’ve not even met) or say to him that you’re stepping away from dating for now because of family commitments or something.

I would say to him “I know this is a change in direction but I have been thinking this over and don’t want to take this further. Talking about marriage before we have even met in person is too intense, and this conversation is making me nervous rather than happy. I wish you all the best but my mind is made up”

Before sending it, delete all your messages with reference to your address and church. With luck he hasn’t made a note of them because they’re there in the chat.

When it’s right, it’s easy and fun. And yes, of course you have to fancy them! A good marriage is about all the serious things but all the fun things too.

He is a stranger to you.

This is all insane. You cant let yourself get so deep with people you don't know. He could be spinning you an absolute yarn, reeling you in.

Chat for 48 hours. Arrange to meet ASAP. Day date. Then decide if you both want another.

If you have all these deep intimate chats over a screen you'll miss the opportunity for real connection in real life.

Edited to add, ive just scanned and seen posts aboit your address and church. With the greatest of kindness you sound really vulnerable and I think you need to step back and work on yourself before you do online dating. Its absolutely cut throat and you are sharing personal details that could literally put you in danger

I agree with other posters that this guy has a million red flags. I’d go nowhere near him.

The story about how other women have treated him badly is text book abuser script. It’s designed to make you feel special, like he sees something in you that has been lacking in other women.

He’ll flatter you, tell you that he has the same values and beliefs, make you feel sorry for him… it’s all a clever way of reeling you in.

As a woman in her 50s who’s done lots of online dating, I can categorically tell you that you should walk away from this man. When you meet someone who is right for you, you’ll not find it stressful or hard work.

He lives 500 miles away, is probably 50 and is a manipulative POS.

RTFT

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne See above. You RTFT.

@Enchilada39 If I were you OP I would focus on going to real life, religious centred (if you must) events. I think you really should meet people in real life situations rather than online. You can get a much better overall vibe from someone standing in front of you, and if you liked them their looks would be secondary. You wouldn't have to deal with this amount of mystery and confusion either.

You’ve got a lot of good advice on this thread. This guy is a walking red flag. Please be aware that awful men will often leverage a woman’s pity and empathy to start the relationship or prevent them from leaving - anyone who says things that make you pity them early on should be a big red flag, because people who are emotionally mature and stable don’t want or need another person’s pity, particularly someone they’re in the early stages of dating and want to impress.

Because you’ve said you haven’t dated much before you should also know that men who say that their exes are all cruel or nasty are often the problem. It’s normal for people to have one or two unpleasant exes who they don’t want to see, but it’s a big red flag for them to say this about all of them, and a sign of what is coming down the line for you if you ever try to break up. It’s healthy to have separated amicably and to still wish the person you once dated well, even if you’re no longer right for each other.

There are so many things wrong with this man. The fact you said he doesn’t like leaving the house (do you really want a small life where you never go out?), that he has PTSD (do you want a stable man who can support you or someone whose mental health you have to constantly worry about?), the guns (very threatening first date idea), the fact he’s mirrors back all of your interests so perfectly…

If you’re feeling too guilty about ending it to just block him (the fact he’s made you feel like this is a bad sign), then feel free to make something up: “I’m really sorry to say this because I was enjoying talking and getting to know you, but I’ve had a big personal emergency over the last few days and it’s had an impact that means I feel I need to end things here. I respect you too much to make you feel like you’re being led on. Wishing you the best of luck in future.”

Lay it on thick if you have to, but keep it vague (you wouldn’t owe a stranger an explanation if something had really happened anyway). Given what you’ve already said, my bets are that he shows you his true colours at this point, but either way he’s out of your hair.

If you have all these deep intimate chats over a screen you'll miss the opportunity for real connection in real life.

You make a really good point here. I never thought about that before. Lots of guys want to discuss all this really important stuff over text rather than wait for it in person.

And to clarify: He DOES NOT have my address. He just knows my general city because the dating app listed it, and my church because we were discussing our differences in beliefs.

Thank you for your feedback!

Easier for people to lie over text and tell you what they think you want to hear when you can't look then in the eye.

Imo conversation should be fairly light until the actual date. Which should be within a week (two max) of the first convo. And only a few conversations during that time. Not an every day, hours long thing. No one is owed that until you know if you fancy them in person or not.

Men (who are local) and don't want to meet within two weeks, are usually only on there for chat and the ego stroke. Time wasters.

It's also risky to get to a point where you are forming bonds with anyone before you've even met them. It puts too much pressure on you to like someone you don't even know.

Obviously religious dating sites can prompt deeper discussions early on though. Which could mess with the natural order of getting to know someone organically over time. It could be harder to tell if they were loonies trying to rush things or not. But then, it could also weed out people who aren't looking for the same things as you (or at least...claim they aren't). But the thing is, most men...not lie, exactly...but just, tend to say they agree with you. Because they are focussed on getting you to like them. Then later down the line over time, their real thoughts and opinions and personality starts to show.