How do I (23f) navigate dating a man (30m) I don’t have physical attraction for?

[Enchilada39]

Matched with a guy whose values, personality, and emotional tone are everything I’m looking for long‑term. We’ve been talking for a week and Im really interested in pursuing it.
The issue: I dont find his pictures physically attractive at all. I’m terrified of disappointing him. Is it “leading him on” to pursue this? How do I navigate this?

OP, read Women who love too much. By Robin Norwood.

You sound very vulnerable.
You need to be bad minded and make your personal and online safety an absolute priority.

Big age gaps are a red flag.
Controlling, abusive men often seek out young, naive and vulnerable women as they are easier to control.

Please educate yourself.

Read up on "the Shark cage" analogy.

Just take care x

Short 48 hour chats, get a vibe, arrange a day date in next week. Meet and go from there. No pen pals no emotional stuff....
For all you know he could be married

Seconding the recommendation of Women Who Love Too Much. Here’s a link re the shark cage: https://ccp.net.au/the-shark-cage-metaphor-in-abusive-relationships/

Just know that women are not rehab centres for damaged men. This guy offers you nothing worth having and would bring you a world of grief.

Him being 10 hours away is a good way to isolate you from your friends and family if you moved there.

I'd go, no commitment have a coffee and see how it goes.

And you are prime target territory for a controlling abuser.

he sounds like he’s not just waving the red flags, he’s a whole marching band with full brass section

these religious dating apps are a prime fishing spot for these people.

your social anxiety etc etc just adds vulnerability

Oh @Enchilada39 this guy is covered in red flags, very strong incel vibes, he’s not a good guy. If you don’t want to make a clean break then start hinting that you only like him as a friend, don’t go along with talk of hand holding or marriage. Start to disagree with him about stuff (maybe say you don’t like hunting or guns?) and see how he reacts.

I’d avoid the religious dating apps, as others have said, toxic controlling men use them to look for vulnerable young women. Join local (non-church) clubs or do a night class at your local community college. Meet real people, critical thinkers that don’t live according to ‘gospel’ rules, focus on meeting people who think of you as a person, with thoughts, feelings, ideas and dreams, not a man who wants a woman to cook & clean and pop out children. You deserve better.

He seemed genuine…like really genuine

The reason why that will seem confusing is because people like this -

a) Might just be good liars

b) Might actually be genuine, but that doesn't mean you should go anywhere near them.
Maybe he does have PTSD, maybe he has stopped drinking, maybe he has got involved with unpleasant women in the past.....but that doesn't mean he is himself innocent in those scenarios. It is actually possible for someone to be both the victim and perpetrator of abuse in relationships.

Also, one of the most confusing things is that someone's values aren't always aligned to their personality traits, or their personality traits are very contradictory in other ways (which is why you'll hear women describe their partner as 'Jekyll & Hyde).

For example, someone might express genuine disgust at the fact that their father beat-up their mother in childhood, and think that violence against women is bad....but might go on to do this to their own partner!

I think you need to focus on volunteering more with your religious organisations, but you still need to be careful, even if men you meet in real life, and even with men who are religious who you think share the same values as you.

As to this man, you can just say you don't think you are well matched and you wish him the best of luck. Don't agree to be friends with him, because he won't be interested in friendship in the same way you are.

You've only had few conversations online, you haven't even met in person! At this stage it should be fun and light and you shouldn't have to obsess and worry about making big decisions or whether you reject him. This is what dating is for. It's for getting to know each other before you commit. Nobody should feel pressured to commit to someone just because they went on a date. And if you're dating for long term relationships/marriage that's your whole life on the line and your future children's too.

And this has nothing to do with being "nurturing " it's more to do with lack od healthy boundaries. You need to know where nurturing is required and when it's unnecessary and comes at cost of your own wellbeing. Men are adults, not children. You don't need to sacrifice yourself to nurture them after few conversations online. Actually I would go as far as to say that you will be an easy prey for all sorts of predators if you don't build healthy boundaries for yourself.

Yesterday, after hearing all your responses, I started not responding much to his texts. And he started texting extra and talking super weirdly sweet. I havent officially broken it off but he definitely has caught on that Im not responding. Like this morning he said, “good morning, gorgeous” and “stay safe today” and other weird stuff like that. Im worried he will blow up if I send a “We’re not a match” text

You don't have to send anything. You've spoken to him for one week. You owe him nothing. You are not in a relationship. Just press block.

If you are already afraid of his reaction just end it now.

Just delete your own profile from the app and block him. Then you don’t have to say anything, or dwell on either what he’s going to say or that he can still see your details. You aren’t socially or emotionally ready to date online, the best thing you can do for yourself is just stop it now.

I would, but we switched to actual texting on our phones after he wanted to call some days ago. But I guess I could do both, in case he goes back to the app

Then block him. You’re making things far more difficult for yourself than you need to. A week ago neither of you knew the other existed, you’re hand-wringing over all these what-ifs when all that’s going happen is he will be momentarily angry to realise he’s been blocked, but can’t do anything whatsoever about it.

You can still block him. He cannot do anything about that so once you've done it, it's done.

Yes, block him if you need to. Just to be clear, since I am one of the people who has suggested a gentler pulling back approach - that was suggested for your benefit, if you would feel better doing it that way. It’s not for his feelings at all. You don’t owe him anything and you absolutely shouldn’t feel responsible for his feelings or guilty for choosing to protect yourself.

He is way old enough to deal with his own feelings and should already understand that he was trying to move too fast with a young inexperienced woman.

You can block on the app and the phone.

As if that's easy. Such an irrelevant reply.

I'm not sure why you are being mean by ignoring him. Dating is hard as it is, why play these games? You have already decided you aren't attracted to him plus he lives too far from you- so what's the point? Just say, sorry I am not interested and ready to date and end the matter. Blocking and ignoring are such cowardly and negative behaviours.

Im worried he will blow up if I send a “We’re not a match” text

can you see op that that is not a remotely healthy response from someone you’d never known existed a week ago, and have never met. If he will blow up because someone he’s never met stops texting him, it doesn’t bode very well for what he would do if you didn’t do what he wanted in real life one time.

I'm a long-time atheist, but I really like how you've put this. What's that thing about being as cunning as a serpent and as innocent as a dove? That.

@FieryA - OP is vulnerable and this guy sounds like a creep. They’ve not met and have only been communicating via social media. She owes him nothing. She owes it to herself to be safe. If that means blocking and deleting, that’s not cowardly, it’s sensible.

I haven’t been ignoring him completely, I just started pulling away like somebody on here suggested. I’m deciding whether just to block entirely, or put together a message like you suggested. I was thinking something like this?
“Hey (insert his name),
I had a long conversation with a friend and it made me rethink our conversation. I spent a long time thinking about it, which is why I haven’t been texting much. After considering it for a while, Ive decided that I need to end this. I had a great time getting to know you. Thank you so much for understanding.”

I would be concerned he’s a bit too good to be true!
Meet in public and don’t get physical until you know whether you do fancy him or not. Physical attraction grows when you get to know and like someone, … just play it date by date