How do I (23f) navigate dating a man (30m) I don’t have physical attraction for?

[Enchilada39]

Matched with a guy whose values, personality, and emotional tone are everything I’m looking for long‑term. We’ve been talking for a week and Im really interested in pursuing it.
The issue: I dont find his pictures physically attractive at all. I’m terrified of disappointing him. Is it “leading him on” to pursue this? How do I navigate this?

Yes, I was going to say also - that you came looking for advice on this situation shows it did not feel right, but it also shows that you are not as naive as he or you think, but quite sensible.

Do a Reverse Google Image search on his picture then you'll be able to find out more about him.
He may even be lying about his name.

Have you tried Googling the name he goes by?

No all I have is his first name and it’s super common

Online dating is rough. And the issue with religious sites is yes, they will attract similar, good people BUT they also attract lots of evil people looking to con and take advantage of these good people. I'm assuming 'monitored' doesn't mean any background checks are done.

Tbh I think I would avoid online dating at 23. Maybe in favour of meetup groups (meetup.com) instead. Maybe hobby based so you can go and have fun and meet people and uf you meet a nice man then that can just be the added bonus.

I understand that, especially after a traumatic youth, theres this...need...to be loved. Seen and loved. And it can be so all consuming. But I promise you, you'll get older and look back and realise the love you needed most, was from yourself. You don't need to hurry into a relationship. Let alone a marriage.

You can just be.

Men...really aren't that great anyway xD
Like no shade because some of them are fantastic. But it takes time to find them. Especially the ones that are also suitable partners and right for you specifically.

Really? They sounds very suspicious.
Do you know how to do a reverse search on a picture?

You'd be crazy to meet this guy! He's obviously abusive, wanting you 'close and safe at all times', ie. stuck in the house with his kids and never allowed to go anywhere or do anything alone under the guise of 'keeping you safe'.

Apart from anything else, he lives 500 miles away.
How were you ever going to meet?
Did he have plans?

A 10 hour trip away will soon get boring, especially if you don’t find him attractive physically.

You are only 23 ffs! I’d get therapy if you haven’t done so already and look at meeting in real life.

Pursue this if you want to end up in his freezer OP.

Or have your own episode on a crime channel.

This isn't red flags this is the final boss, the red flag factory.

You're young
You're sharing information
You're naive and coming across as it even in the (very) few paragraphs I've read.
You're religious

I can see All of this and see vulnerability
You've shown him a LOT more-he can see it too. And it excites him.

He's ex military (potentially trained to kill by the sounds of it)?
He looks older than he says he is.
He's spinning you a sob story so you'll meet him
He's pretending to have values that align with Yours
He's telling you 100 things you want to hear.

I hope to hell he doesn't know your address or any personal details? I've not even seen him and he's making me shudder.

Never even think about dating someone you feel sorry for.

No, he hasnt made any plans yet, but just talked about meeting up sometime in the future. When I mentioned the distance, he didnt seem concerned

@Enchilada39

I don't know what you want to do about this particular man. But in general - I'd say that photos are not really a good way of judging chemistry. And attraction is not always simply based on looks, and/or instantaneous. This is why people sometimes develop attraction to friends they've known for a while and were not attracted to before.

None of this is to say you should continue anything with this guy. The complicating factor is that he lives far away. This is always hard - as you can't have an easy low key meetup for a coffee, etc.

You don't have much dating experience. In your place - I'd chat with the guy for a bit more. Talking to him is not leading him on, it's just talking, just making a human connection. If there is an opportunity to have some sort of real life meeting, which does not put any expectations on you - I'd do it. But it has to be on the terms that you feel comfortable with - in a public place, etc.

Generally - as you continue to date - try not to pick people this far away.

Youre starting to legitimately scare me. He knows my city and church, but no not my address

Based on the op I was going to say to just meet him. If no chemistry, then no second date. No biggie.

But this
he told me all this stuff about he hasnt been loved before by a girl, and how i seem like the only nice person he has ever met.

This is such a turnoff. So manipulative.

Speaking from the stand point of someone who was raised Christian (and is still a believer just not as...Church centric, anymore) I found that the issue it caused for me was that I looked for the good in everyone. And that seems like a nice thing. But it can be so so dangerous. Especially to a young girl new to the world of dating.

Now of course I believed in evil. But I saw it as mostly spiritual. I believed evil people were very rare. Which unfortunately...is not the case.

And, when we are "good" or, strive to be and do good...we tend to just ASSUME the other people in our life are and are doing the same. A lamb doesn't recognise that a lion means it harm. Because it is not a lion and knows nothing of lions.

Then of course there's the issue of forgiveness. For me it wasn't taught with the side serving of 'you can forgive people and still walk away from them'. I thought I owed second, third, fourth chances. But we don't. We can let people go with forgiveness and choose to protect ourselves from further misdeeds or harm.

There are bad people out there. And we cannot save them, but they can drag us into their darkness. Leave them to God to deal with. And focus on doing right by ourselves and by the people in our life who consistently show that they mean well and also strive for good and to bring light into other peoples lives, not to stamp out the light that other people bring. Its OK to protect yourself. Its OK to have boundaries.

I bet he didn't.
What a loser.
Did he suggest you coming to his place, by any chance.

He didnt specify, but he kept saying he wanted to show me how to shoot, and that his horses are really great. So maybe he’s getting there idk

Thank God.
But he can easily find it if you have a social media presence, and lots of churches issue lists with the names and addresses of members.
Or he could call the pastor and pretend to be an old friend.

What state is he in?
Are the gun laws different from your own?

That is very scary but he says he doesnt like people and doesnt go out ever unless he is forced to. So i dont think he would?? I hope not….

Let's not scare op anymore.

Hopefully the 10 hour distance will prevent any stalking. I'm sure he has other potential victims closer to home anyway.

It'll be fine if she's firm and then blocks him.
Obviously if he did find a way to show up then don't answer the door, just call the police.

But hopefully it won't come to anything like that.
Be firm.

Never be nice or try to compromise with predators. They see it as weakness and they attack weakness.

I dont think the laws are different but he has a lot of land and i think he probably shoots there

But he's a complete liar!

Okay, I will do my best to end it with him. Thank you all so much for your help! I have never posted on a forum before, but I just felt like I needed some other opinions

@Enchilada39

That is very scary but he says he doesnt like people and doesnt go out ever unless he is forced to. So i dont think he would?? I hope not…

That of itself should have had you running for the hills. He clearly has health issues. The last thing you want in your life is a crazed loner with guns.

Don’t “do your best” to end it. Completely stop tonight. It’s a bore but change your SIM and block him on everything.