How do I (23f) navigate dating a man (30m) I don’t have physical attraction for?

[Enchilada39]

Matched with a guy whose values, personality, and emotional tone are everything I’m looking for long‑term. We’ve been talking for a week and Im really interested in pursuing it.
The issue: I dont find his pictures physically attractive at all. I’m terrified of disappointing him. Is it “leading him on” to pursue this? How do I navigate this?

He's going to resist you ending it, so be prepared to just press block if necessary.

Don't let him guilt trip or manipulate you into keeping in touch.

Say your piece of you don't want to ghost and stand firm. Then block.

Good luck m'dear.

Just rip off the bandaid and then block.

You get to decide who stats in your life and who doesn't. If you say no it's a no. It doesn't matter what he says.

Also think of it this way, of someone said to you 'hey, thanks but we aren't compatible, all the best and goodbye' - would you keep messaging them, trying to maintain contact? No.
No sane, respectful person would.

You hold yourself to a certain standard with regards to how you treat others. It's absolutely OK to hold people to that same high standard with how they treat you too.

Its just going to seem like it came out of the blue. Last night I say “Im very interested to keep talking - we have so much in common” and then today say “we’re not compatible.” I hate this so much, but after all the things you said, I think I have to

You don’t owe him any explanation you don’t even know him.

But if you want a line “I’ve slept on it and this isn’t working for me” should suffice.

Well you're not ghosting, you're just honestly calling it a day. That's fine after just a few weeks chatting. You never even met him.

Not an ideal situation but you certainly don't have to feel bad.

Just an honest, 'sorry the age gap is too big and the distance, too far'. Don't be drawn into further explanation. That's plenty reason enough.

Don't feel bad. It's not like he's your betrothed lol.

Yes, that makes sense. I know Im overthinking this, im just very empathetic and hate to let people down

And honey, he's sat down at his computer and worked that right out based on your initial responses to him.

I would go with the previous suggestion ("I've had a think about this, and the distance is too far, and the age gap is too wide")

Then block him. If you don't, he'll do everything in his power to reel you right back in.

So you must block him. Don't even give him a chance to respond.

Well, you need to not let yourself down either. You do deserve better than this man.

Even if he really were the bee's knees - 10h away is not an easy way for a relationship to start. You can hardly ever meet, and weekends together will mostly be spent travelling. You would be all or nothing, no chance of a date that's just a coffee and chat, slowly get to know one another. (I say this having spent 5 years seeing a guy 3 hours away in a different country - and that was just 3 hours.)

Look for people in your own state, ideally no more than an hour or two away. Better if in the same town.

If there’s no chemistry there’s not really a long term future. Being compatible is vitally important, but there’s got to be a bit of a zing there.

Its ok to be empathetic but be empathetic to yourself too :)

And ne careful not to get caught in a loop of needing to prove your empathy/goodness to yourself or others. Bad people can exploit that.

It's obvious you're a nice person. And even if you sometimes have to be strict or firm, that doesn't mean you aren't a nice person anymore.
It's just doing what needs done.

You've got nothing to end with him, you've never even met. And you don't 'do your best', you've made your decision (wisely) to cut contact with him, so you just DO it.

Have you got women in your family, or older women friends, you can talk to about life and relationships? If you were someone in my life I'd honestly be terrified about what sort of position you might end up getting into.

OP I highly doubt he has any land or any horses if he doesn’t go out much and hates people. He’s more likely a basement dweller.

I'm so glad you're not going to continue with this, op. There are so many women in here sharing their experience and they/we have seen this script before. It doesn't end well.
Really hope you stay local and casual for future dating and take it slowly, don't trust the love bomber types! You'll find someone if that's what you want, but it's also fine to grow a broader social group first, or to be on your own!

My mom sometimes, but she doesn’t like to talk about this stuff. I actually started to ask her the other day, but ended up coming here lol

@OriginalSkang Tell him that he seems like a nice guy but all the talk of marriage etc has made you reconsider whether dating is right for you at this time and you're going to have to take a step back

Yes, marriage and committment, crazy stuff.

Clearly OP needs a man covered in 'thuglife' tattoos who disappears after causing a pregnancy.

I’m sorry to hear this. It’s important to have people to talk to. Maybe try again with your mum? She might feel uncomfortable but it’s quite important to guide your kids through this stuff. Tell her it’s important to you.

If you don’t want to come across like it’s a sudden change of heart, maybe tell him some of your friends and family have expressed concerns about the distance and the age gap. Just pull away a bit more slowly. Then after a day or so of being more quiet you can tell him you’ve thought about it and think it’s best to move on.

@shuggles she’s been talking to this guy for a week, online and never met. He’s older than her and has said some concerning things. I would be running from someone talking about what step we need to take to get married at this stage.

@inickedthisname she’s been talking to this guy for a week, online and never met.

He's talking about marriage because he has a clear goal in mind. He knows what he wants. He will filter out people who aren't looking for marriage.

Do you prefer people who don't know what they want?

Talking about marriage before even meeting someone is wild.

Give me thug life tattoo player over that any day xD he'll only fuck up your life if you don't use protection.

To be fair though with it being a religious dating site its maybe more ok to bring up marriage early on. Just as long as its just to see you're both on the same page. But it seems like this guy did it in a way that made even op feel smothered and uncomfortable.

@shuggles have you read the full thread?

Do you even know what you're talking about?

No idea what you're on about with the thuglife stuff. This guy is ex military and wants to go shooting with her though?

but he told me all this stuff about he hasnt been loved before by a girl, and how i seem like the only nice person he has ever met

To me this was a red flag straight away. Sure, maybe that's true and he was being honest, but it really sounds like he's trying to guilt trip you to date him. The information he gave was just too heavy and too much in this stage of talking, and he must have known that it was going to make an kind hearted women to feel obligated.

I just feel bad though…he seems lonely and sad, and we just have a lot in common

Yes, because you are probably kind hearted. If you are religious, you will be aware of teachings about modesty or chastity, but what they don't teach young women enough is being modest about who you show kindness and patience to. so I want you to save this advice and keep it somewhere -

*It is not your job to save or nurture sad or damaged men, nor provide good fortune who've had back luck so far in life.

Your nurturing should be directed to a more appropriate place, like children, NOT adult men. If you want to give to others, then you can do so in a way that has safer and more appropriate boundaries, such as volunteering, becoming a therapist (where you could be paid for it), or helping out at an animal shelter*

On the dating side, I once changed my settings so that it appeared that I was in my mid 20s rather than mid 30s. I just wanted to see if it would make a difference since all I was getting was men far older than myself and my own age group was mostly missing.

And you know what? Once I did that, I saw soooo many men my own age or older that had mysteriously been missing when I was my true age. What was happening is that those men were either filtering out women in their age own group, and many were clearly lying, saying they were 28 when they clearly looked at least 35-40 years old.

Be careful. Sometimes we have to go through the discomfort of disappointing or upsetting someone in order to do what's right. And yes, I believe it's right to turn someone away if you don't find them sexually attractive, for one thing. A lack of attraction usually causes serious problems down the line.