Partner forcing abortion. Broken

[omgno45]

Hello
please be kind I’m on the edge.

I have 3 children from previous relationship. (16,15,8)

with my current partner we have a 1 year old. All the kids are happy etc. I love being a mum. It’s my purpose.
my older 3 adore our 1 year old.

we’ve had an “accident” and I’m pregnant. About 5 weeks.
my partner has hit the roof. He’s told me if I keep it he’s not walking the path with me and he’s leaving me for good and will only see our son. He’s told me he can’t have sex with me anymore. He’s says I’m selfish to keep it and it’s all about me and he’s said I’m not well and need intervention because keeping it means I’m not thinking straight.

im so sad. I really really want it. He keeps asking babe you ordered abortion tablets yet etc he’s really pressuring me. Honestly what do I do. Any advice please I love him but I hate how he’s approaching me

It's entirely your decision whether you keep the baby or not and he can't make you have an abortion if you don't want one.

He is threatening to leave you and only see the child you already have with him. It makes him an absolutely dickhead but unfortunately he can do this and you can't force him to stay or to have a relationship with your unborn baby.

Could you manage on your own with five children? What are your finances like? You can still make him pay maintenance for the two children he fathered with you although it sounds as though he will do anything to avoid this.

It's a really difficult decision for you OP. I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do.

He can’t force you to have an abortion.

And you can’t force him to have another baby.

Can you support 5 kids?

Is this the same "devil you had a child with" from the last thread who you had left and didnt allow to see your child as he was a danger... yet a couple of months later hes safe to be around your children and youre having another with him.
If any of this is true then hes right, you are not thinking straight, you are not thinking about any of your kids. Being a mother isnt your purpose if you let someone around them who you know is a risk.
Give yourself a shake and focus on being a mother and protecting the 4 you have. 5th is up to you.

His reaction is extreme. But your "accident" isn't an accident, is it? So i understand his anger, if you have had an "accident on purpose".

However. He cannot force you to have this child, but there will clearly be consequences to a decision to give birth. It is a shit situation all round.

Do you have any support, friends or family, who can help you through this if he does leave?

Good luck.

I agree your marriage is over whatever you do.

What impact will having a fifth child have on your existing children?

Was it a genuine contraception failure or just having unprotected sex and hoping for the best?
Best case scenario is he’ll come round from the shock and be supportive. Otherwise I don’t see how there’s any alternative but to keep the baby and manage. Your older 2 will be fairly independent soon. Is their Dad involved and does he pay?

Does your DP have kids from a previous relationship?

to be fair if she has told him she is using contraception, and has lied about that, his reaction is extreme and awful, but understandable.

Only OP knows the truth of her situation. But i do agree with PP that she is probably much better off without this man in her and her children's lives.

never ceases to amaze me the amount of women who seem to have no idea about contraception.

Although when someone talks about how much they love being a mum and how this is their world yada yada and then drops into the conversation that tey had an “accident” and oops, another baby, I think it’s blindingly obvious that there was nothing accidental about it.

She's not forcing him to have another baby. He didn't take sufficient precautions to make sure he didn't get her pregnant. He has no further choice in the matter, beyond how he reacts to his now pregnant partner.

I agree with previous posters - whatever you decide about the pregnancy, leave the man. He has shown his true colours and you deserve better.

Your body your choice. This is a hard one though. That man needs to go.you need supportive people around you

Either way your relationship can’t continue. It’s 100% your decision, but whatever you choose you will be doing it solo so take your time to think it all through.

Do you want another child?
Why did you say "accident"? Was it a failure of contraception?

I know you say that having children is your 'purpose' but what else are you? I think I've been a great mum but I'm also more than that.

Your partner has handled this horribly. I can understand the frustrations and panic about finances, the quality of life for your children, where are you all going to live? What car will you fit in? Will you ever be able to afford a holiday with all of you? A baby will become a child will become a teen will become an adult.

What was your partner's response to the 1 year old? Did you both agree that one child was what you wanted in your relationship and could afford?

It sounds like you want to continue this pregnancy but your partner wants it to end. It is your body, it is your choice. Either way, this is going to blow up your lives. If you end a pregnancy that you don't want to end, you will resent him. You will grieve. If you continue with the pregnancy your relationship is over. I also can't imagine how hurtful it would be if a parent only visited and recognised one sibling. Wild. He sounds like a scummy man.

Maybe you'd be happier with your five children on your own. Or with your four children on your own. I can't see a way in which you'd be happy with four children and this man unless it's your choice and your decision to end this pregnancy.

I think you were mad to get pregnant again but as other people have said, you didn't exactly do it on your own. Clearly you both disagree about having more children, and that's not likely to change. I don't think it's fair to bring this baby to the world this way, knowing their father is so against it, I think it will be extremely hard work.

I do think you could save the relationship if you both agreed that you can't have another child, or you can, but you can't force it either way. If you decide this partner and your existing children (4! It's enough! I'm one of 4 and it's more than enough, especially in the circumstances!) are more important than 5th Baby, then he's right - you need to be acting pretty fast to end the pregnancy. But if you really do want the baby, and he really doesn't, then there's no middle ground.

He sounds petrified of having another child - it really depends on the circumstances of the "accident" how responsible he is for it. Was he not using a condom, or are you meant to be on the pill? Is he usually this forceful or is he trying to get across to you the seriousness of how much this is an unwanted (in his view) pregnancy? You seem to be blasé about falling pregnant as if you expected him to be delighted, when you were not trying for a baby, and you already have a one year old.

I've not voted because I'm not sure what's "reasonable" and "unreasonable"! You're not unreasonable to be upset at the situation, but you are unreasonable to blame him for it entirely, IMO.

Agreed that if he should sort contraception himself if he doesn't want kids, however with you being so keen to have more, can you hand on heart say that this was truly an accident? Did you do everything you could (or rather, everything you had implied you were doing) to prevent a pregnancy? As if not, or if he suspects not, I can see why he would be angry.

Regardless, he can't make you have an abortion and will still be responsible for the child legally, whether he likes it or not. Sounds like you are about to become a single mother.

We don’t know yet what precautions were or were not taken.

And he does have a choice in his role as dad. He can walk away tomorrow, never see the child and CMS will chase him for the bare minimum but of course he has a choice about whether he is involved with a baby.

Regardless of the decision you make about the baby.

You need to leave this relationship

That’s nice for you that you don’t ’buy the excuses’ from people. In the real world, sometimes contraception fails, not matter how responsible you are. Point in case, burst condom, morning after pill 9 hours later, boom you’re pregnant. No idea about the OP’s circumstances here, but lots of women have different experiences. Don’t be so judgy.

He needs to go and you need to realise you can't just keep having babies because it makes you feel good. You now face a future as a single mum of 5.

What's to say he won't leave you if you do have an abortion.Doesnt sound like he's committed long term anyway.

He doesn't sound like a man I would want to have another baby with.

Not excusing him, but he clearly doesn't want to live in a home with 5 kids. Are you able to afford all these kids OP?

Unless you are wealthy, this will be very hard for you going forward.

Similar happened to me about 6 years ago, husband was vile to me about it, I would have chosen the baby a hundred times over, over him but ultimately I knew if god forbid anything was wrong with the baby or just any challenges in general in the future it would have been all on my shoulders so went ahead with a termination

it absolutely broke me & I had suicidal thoughts & then a lot of therapy after , we ended up splitting 3 years later , a lot of other things contributed but I could never feel the same , no decent husband treats you like that especially when it takes two!

what I will say is that despite how horrendous it was , it was the right decision which I accepted after a long time, being a single mum but what another one would have been even harder, sending love always welcome to PM me if you wanna talk about it xxxxxx

@omgno45
You have posted ALOT in recent months about this man abusing you and how you left him etc. You were apparently on your own Christmas day because all the kids were with their respective father... and now you are magically pregnant by this man a mere 4 weeks later?

Something doesn't quite add up here.

He can't force you to have an abortion, it's your body and you're the one who needs to decide. It's absolutely not ok for him to coerce you. If you want the baby then you should keep it, he'll either come round once he's got over the initial shock, or he'll keep behaving as he is, in which case you're likely better off without him anyway. Best of luck with whatever you decide. 💐