Partner forcing abortion. Broken

[omgno45]

Hello
please be kind I’m on the edge.

I have 3 children from previous relationship. (16,15,8)

with my current partner we have a 1 year old. All the kids are happy etc. I love being a mum. It’s my purpose.
my older 3 adore our 1 year old.

we’ve had an “accident” and I’m pregnant. About 5 weeks.
my partner has hit the roof. He’s told me if I keep it he’s not walking the path with me and he’s leaving me for good and will only see our son. He’s told me he can’t have sex with me anymore. He’s says I’m selfish to keep it and it’s all about me and he’s said I’m not well and need intervention because keeping it means I’m not thinking straight.

im so sad. I really really want it. He keeps asking babe you ordered abortion tablets yet etc he’s really pressuring me. Honestly what do I do. Any advice please I love him but I hate how he’s approaching me

Your post to me says that you intentionally got pregnant because you wanted another baby and whilst he is also responsible for contraception, if he thought you were on the pill or similar then you’ve deceived him.

Regardless the relationship sounds like it’s over. It comes down to whether you want to be a single parent to one or two young children, with their father only being prepared to be physically involved with the eldest.

Whether you decide to keep the baby or not you need to accept that this relationship is over. No loving, caring, supporting partner would be saying these things. He is within his right to say he doesn’t think he would like you to go ahead with the pregnancy however to emotionally blackmail you and say the things he has isn’t ok.

You were within your rights to keep this baby but you need to know that you’ll be doing in alone. Can you afford it, do you have the room for them, will you be able to cope as a single parent to 4 kids?

OP I am sorry. What a hard situation. A few facts:

• your relationship is over. Whether or not you have a termination, it has fundamentally been broken. I am sorry. Please plan to leave asap.

• nobody should force you to have a termination.

• 5 children is too many for almost anyone in this economy. Unless you are very wealthy, it is unwise and poor planning

• the pregnancy is here now and you wish to keep it so do. The road ahead will be hard and you will be alone but few people recover from being pressured into a termination they don't want.

• of course your oh is scared. 5 children is too many for almost anyone. This doesn't excuse his behaviour or poor planning.

• once again: the relationship is over. It just is. I am sorry.

As others have said, the relationship is over either way.

Your only decision now is whether you want to be a single mum of 4 children or 5.

Ignoring his behaviour....

Ultimately, you have 2 choices and these are dramatically different.

Raise 5 kids alone
OR
stay with your partner and raise the 4 kids you have.
OR
Leave and solo parent 4 kids.

I think continuing the pregnancy and hoping he comes round is a TERRIBLE idea and not something you should even consider as an option.

Personally, i dont even you. I wouldnt want an abortion but equally I wouldnt fancy being a solo parent to 2 under 2 and some teenagers.

Either way... for me I think the relationship would be over though.

I dont envy you....

OP, this is disgusting behaviour. It seems your relationship is doomed either way - if you get rid, you will never forgive him, and if you don’t, even if he doesn’t leave, would you ever be able to respect him? OP, I knew someone whose DP put enormous pressure on her to have a termination, which eventually she did. Not only did she hugely regret it, it send her into a spiral of MH issues including self- harm, and the relationship eventually broke up anyway. You want this baby, so keep the pregnancy and ditch the selfish, coercive partner.

I'm sorry but I think if you stay with this man, you will never see him in the same light again and your relationship is basically over.
I strongly feel you need to make a decision independently of any of his threats.
Can you make plans to separate and within these plans work out whether it is feasible to have the baby?

The relationship is done either way because he’s horrible and you deserve better. The question is would you rather be a single mum to four or five?

Your relationship is over either way, so you need to decide whether you want to have the baby as a single mum or have a termination.

Would going it alone be possible for you? Is there someone (eg family/friends- not your partner) IRL you can talk it through with?

Was this accident actually on purpose? Was there any lying or coercion on your behalf? If not he's being completely unreasonable. If yes then you're both completely unreasonable. Either way, the relationship is not healthy.

Op I think people are asking the questions about the circumstances because you've used the quotations around "accident" which can be read either as an unexpected and unplanned pregnancy that surprised you both, or it could mean that you instigated a stealth pregnancy and it wasn't really an accident at all. Written like this it's impossible for readers to know which usage you are intending so they are clarifying. Just incase you haven't realised and are thrown by so many questions about that.

I think my answer also depends on this. If its a genuine surprise to you both then I think his reaction is abhorrent. Its one thing to sit down with you and talk it through and list all of his concerns. With 4 kids and the cost of things at the minute I can't see that as being easy for you guys as it is unless you're both very well paid. You maybe need to sit down together and do the maths. However, the way he's going about this is bullying and aggressive and is unacceptable even if he is panicking about how you'll pay the bills.

If you meant that you have secretly created opportunity to get pregnant (ie messing with birth control and not telling him) then I can understand his reaction as that's quite a betrayal and I don't think it's fair to blame him for reacting badly to that.

Either way, you need to take him out of the equation right now, you need to make a list of pros and cons and decide what's best for the children you already have and see if you can actually make ends meet with another child, both with your partner and separately. And then you need to be able to live with your decision. He can't force you to have an abortion irregardless of the circumstances but surprises happen (if that was the case here) and he needs to be on your team even when you're coming from different angles.

The problem is you have to end the relationship either way now that he’s acted in this way. It’s abusive, and you’ll never be able to see him in the same way again.

So you need to decide if you want to have this baby on your own, or go it alone with your existing four children. There’s no way forward with this man now.

This wasn't an accident was it? You've made your bed so to speak, now you have to lie in it. I'm assuming you've deceived him and, if so, that's very selfish. He's right to be annoyed but if he was that adamant he didn't want more he could have had the chop

Can you afford to have another baby?
Keep the baby
Lose the man
Get sterilised .

Oh dear

Well OP's fella could have done that couldn't he, don't be so smug just because yours took some responsibility.

My advice is leave him, keep the baby.

The relationship is likely over now whatever you do, since one of you is going to be resentful and angry. Best to make the decision based on whether you want another baby or not, and accept that you're not going to be a couple.

Also 5 children ? How will you afford it? You must both have very good jobs!

I can see why he is overwhelmed at the thought of yet another child. However, it's wrong of him to force an abortion if its not what you want. He's being horrible.

Oh and please don’t bring any other men into your children’s lives going forward. I’d bet my house that this isn’t the only way in which he’s controlling and abusive.

Unless you're rich, I wouldn't recommend being a single mother to five children by two different fathers. If you split up (and it sounds as though the relationship is doomed anyway) definitely don't bring another man into your poor children's home. Keep your dating life separate from them.

Given the baby is 1, it’s possible he’s on the waiting list.

Firstly, a pregnancy isn't an accident. You had sex without sufficient precautions taken. No contraception method is 100% so there's always a chance. If he didn't want another then he should have had the snip.

Secondary, regardless of whether you keep it or not, your relationship is over. He is not supportive. You are going to be a single parent again, with 4 kids. Do you really want another? Can you afford to support another?

This.

An accident after four kids?
Or an accident after some discussions and him refusing to have this baby?

If that's the case, then I'm not sure if he's such a a..hole as most posters here saying.

And I'm really not sure it's a good idea to become a single parent to five kids.