Partner forcing abortion. Broken

[omgno45]

Hello
please be kind I’m on the edge.

I have 3 children from previous relationship. (16,15,8)

with my current partner we have a 1 year old. All the kids are happy etc. I love being a mum. It’s my purpose.
my older 3 adore our 1 year old.

we’ve had an “accident” and I’m pregnant. About 5 weeks.
my partner has hit the roof. He’s told me if I keep it he’s not walking the path with me and he’s leaving me for good and will only see our son. He’s told me he can’t have sex with me anymore. He’s says I’m selfish to keep it and it’s all about me and he’s said I’m not well and need intervention because keeping it means I’m not thinking straight.

im so sad. I really really want it. He keeps asking babe you ordered abortion tablets yet etc he’s really pressuring me. Honestly what do I do. Any advice please I love him but I hate how he’s approaching me

This same scenario happened to me, my ex now has contact with dc1 & 2 but has no contact at all with dc3. I’ve since met a lovely man who has embraced them all, and we are expecting dc4.
OP, no matter what your choice is, you deserve to be treated with respect, love and supported.

So, is he saying that if you continue with the baby he will have morning to do with his second child and only see his first child? Treat the 1yo like an only child? He wouldn’t, because his existing child will eventually not allow it. He’s not thought it through (neither have you) and he’s panicking.

How are your finances? Do you work? Does he? Who’s the breadwinner? Can you afford to raise 5 children on your own, including after you stop receiving child support for the oldest three? Why do you want this 5th child - are you anti-abortion, do you just want 5 children? Did you discuss any of this after your 4th child was born?

It reads to me as though you have gone on Willy nilly without thinking about practicalities or affordability, and he’s doing the thinking. I don’t even see it as pressuring you to abort: in fact, he’s telling you to do what you want but letting you know what he will do if you decide to do this or that. Really, his obligations are two 2 out of your 5 children.

Twat should have had a vasectomy. Personally with his attitude towards you I could never speak to him again!

Honestly, you'll never forgive him if you have an abortion when you don't want to and the relationship will die a slow and painful death. My friend had similar although she kept the child with a provision her partner did not need to look after the baby .... and you can imagine how that eventually played out they were divorced 8 years later. Ironically, her exhusband has a great relationship with the child now .... but how he treated her when she fell pregnant accidentally was not something she could ever get over.

Your relationship is over. I can understand both sides as children are an expensive life long commitment, love isn’t enough.
Sadly, I read threads all the time where the older siblings lose out, are forced into work before education or working 2 jobs alongside education, needing to work for everyday expenses. I done it in the 90’s working my first job to buy fancy trainers etc.
Can you afford five children? If you are being supported by top ups, they run out as the older children need help with college and flat rental deposits etc.
You are already pregnant so now of the above counts, you both should have been more careful.

Your thread about him in November said:

'since leaving him 9 weeks ago all I’ve had is abuse abuse abuse. On email. Can’t block email.
anyway…
these past 3 days he’s really hyped up the abuse. He’s now starting calling our baby a little cunt, ginger bastard (he’s blonde) he hopes baby is a cunt for me and ruins my life and he doesn’t care or the baby becomes a “spaz” and to not let baby know who his dad is and he wants to come off the birth certificate.
I never reply.
he’s also admitted he’s been with someone else.'

Please get away from him. Call Women's Aid, your family, a neighbour, anybody. This man is appalling.

Honestly I'm on the fence because I 100% agree your body your choice but what convo was had about a potential fifth pregnancy?

Did you agree to go on birth control & to terminate any accidental pregnancies should they occur? I'm not saying you're not allowed to change your mind if so but I can also see why he doesn't want to go from 4 kids to 5. Tbf though if he feels that strongly about it he should've taken stronger contraceptive measures himself rather than just relying on you.

I think it's also worth thinking if you do keep the baby what their life will look like - if he is threatening to only see the older one how will they feel seeing their sibling get Dad's love and attention whilst ignoring their very existence?

Not an easy one OP!

Too late now but having sex and continuing a relationship was a big mistake, I'm sure you realise he's abusive and controlling. Hopefully you've still got your own house, contact bpas and womens aid.

I've read your previous posts.

I think it would be a good idea for you to look back through everything you've posted about him in the past - the abuse, threats, what came out of the Clare's Law check.

He's abusive and has made your life hell (your words).

Get rid of him.

OP - please put your children first. That means first and foremost the children you already have.

So that means removing them from the presence of a man whose abuse was so bad you reported to the police.
It means thinking if you can sensibly financially and practically look after another child without compromising the lives of 4 children who have been exposed to abusive behaviour (so will need support). And not having another child just because is is your "purpose". This is not about what you want and what your partner wants, but about 4 or 5 children who had no choices.

I’m very surprised you went back to him after the threads you posted late last year. You left after he called your baby awful names, called you horrific things and you described awful abuse. You’d got out, why the hell did you go back let alone let this man near you again? I’m wondering if this was an attempt at a band aid baby to make a relationship work tbh. You may love being a parent but being a parent comes with responsibilities to ALL of your children. Why on earth would you want to continue living with this man (if he’s as abusive as you say) especially when you’d left. If you’re being abused you need to contact Women’s Aid who can provide counselling and help. You also need to think how you’re going to support your children going forward because they’ve most likely been affected but the abuse you’ve described in your other threads.

All of this.

He’s a twat and you need to leave him regardless of whether you keep it or not.

Hold your horses we only have her side. She may of lied about contraception. Fine if she is willing to bring up 5 children as a single parent, even then the taxpayer will be funding her lifestyle & choices.

my thoughts are we don’t have all the info to be giving advice.

I voted Yabu just for staying with him and saying you love this twat. Do what you wanted the baby. He’s not worth it.

You relationship is over - so you need to decide what you want to do

Are you for real?

It’s never ok for a man to try and force his partner to have an abortion.

And to threaten her with abandonment if she doesn’t do what he wants.

Why hasn’t the wanker had a vasectomy if he doesn’t want more kids?

OK, so if he didn't want a baby, and doesn't want the snip, then abstinence is what is needed.

Sex = risk of baby.

He took a risk and it resulted in a baby. It is ABSOLUTELY fair game for accepting it might result in more kids. It's basic biology.

Tell him to piss off. He should have had a vasectomy if he was that against reproducing.

My ex tried to force me to have one (after he cheated and went off with another woman early pregnancy) and I told him to piss off too. Glad I wasn't gaslit into it whilst in a vulnerable hormonal state. Ds is the sweetest boy and I love him to bits.

Mind you he hasn’t bothered with him and left the country to avoid cms so believe your hopefully soon to be ex when he says you'll be doing at alone. It will most likely be the case as he sounds a nasty bastard.

You are unlikely to change his mind so you need to think do you want to bring up this baby single handed?
If I was you, I’d be rethinking this relationship and I certainly would not be bringing a baby into the world in this situation.

He’s being a real dick and I’m sorry about that. He cannot force you to abort however he can choose to walk away from you and the baby if he wants to (of course he will still have to contribute financially).

You have to decide what you want more. Him or this baby. But I’d argue the relationship is over either way because you’ll never look at him the same.

I’m thinking the OP isn’t coming back, as we haven’t miraculously come up with a way to make the relationship Ok.

He may as well be trying to.

Did he not used protection? were does he think babies come from? Why is he complaining when he made a delibearte choice of not using protection? Did you guys never had a conversation regarding more kids and what would happen if you got pregnant ?

Sounds to me like everyone is living in la la land here.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I hope you both had took responsibility for preventing pregnancy. With 4 kids you know the risks of unprotected sex.

He's being an arse and could/should be kinder with his words but his position is clear. He could be absolutely terrified and feel this is outside his control.

You do have a choice. Think about it clearly, can you bring a 5th child into the world? Can you provide and care for the child on your own? Practically can you feed another mouth, clothes another and have room. Will this take away from being able to support your older DC as they go to college, learn to drive, go to uni, etc

If you have any doubts about doing this on your own you need to listen to them and consider your options.

If you can do it alone, he may change his mind, you may forgive his reaction but you will know you can do this alone which is all that matters if you continue on this journey.

You do what you want to do, OP. If that is keeping your pregnancy, then you do that and DP either comes around and you try to move past his initial horrible reaction, or he doesn't and you probably have to go it alone.
Either way, it is your choice and you are allowed time and space to think.
You didn't magically get yourself pregnant and his lack of accountability for his actions is appalling.
Don't let him bully you!

Sending love ❤️ xx